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Thread: End of the line

  1. #11
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    I am so sorry Simplemind.

  2. #12
    Senior Member CathyA's Avatar
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    ((((((hugs))))))

  3. #13
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    -I am so very sorry.

  4. #14
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    I'm sorry. I hope you find some rest and calm.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  5. #15
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    My condolences...Six years is a very long time to be a primary caretaker. I imagine you feel all sorts of emotions. I know I did when my caretaking days ended as the trials are unimaginable unless you have been through it. While it all going on, it feels like an endless situation. It is now time to take care of yourself with the knowledge that the healing will take time. It baffles my mind that our parents don't tend to these things when they are younger and able as it is inevitable that someone else will have to deal with it if they don't. As mentioned, it must be a generational thing as we are dealing with the same situation with my MIL. She absolutely refuses to leave her house and says that her kids will take care of her stuff when she is gone.

  6. #16
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    My condolences too!

  7. #17
    Senior Member jp1's Avatar
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    I am sorry too for your loss and all that you've had to deal with. Reading posts like this here and elsewhere make me realize how fortunate I am that I come from a long line of stoic, practical people. My dad made the decision to move to an assisted living facility 4 years before he died (and about 4 years after mom died). He'd lined up his estate, added my sister to bank accounts, etc, and was physically safe in his decline. My worst stress was repeated visits to him during the 6 months he was in hospital/hospice before he passed away. My employer was completely understanding and supportive when I needed a few days off here and there to go be with him. The money my sister and I inherited was nice, but far more important is that I never truly worried that no one was caring for him. And when the end came he had so little stuff left that i was able to clean out his apartment in one morning, thanks to the folks from goodwill that took everything in it (even the things they had said they wouldn't want) just because I gave them a nice 32 inch tv as part of the package. I assume half the stuff they kindly took just went straight into a dumpster once they got back to their warehouse.

    I hope you finally are able to rest and recuperate and find some joy in your life.

  8. #18
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    Thanks for your kind comments. I know many of you have gone down this path before me. I've been struggling with how to understand my feelings and where they are coming from. When I say they didn't appreciate I don't mean as in being thankful, more that they didn't appreciate as in understand. I had a challenging relationship with my mother and what I thought was a good relationship with my dad. I took on the job as many first born do. I was actually kind of surprised because my sister and brother were probably closer to them but also very dependent on them. Neither would discuss finances while my mom was alive. Once she passed and I stepped in my dad became very passive about it. Well, I was reading it as passive at the time but now know it was being befuddled by finances due to dementia. Bills weren't being paid, rents were only partially being collected and what had been collected had not been cashed - FOR YEARS. Renters knew they had a great deal going. My dad was too embarrassed to fix it. Checks from investments, never cashed, stashed in purses, stuffed on top shelves. Mucho accounts had been turned over to the state. Taxes had not been filed for many years so there were penalties to be paid.
    While I was wading through all of this, evicting non paying tenants and preparing property to be sold......... I uncovered that my father had a second family. The kids are not his but he spent a lot of time with them and actually traveled the world with them. I'm grateful that I found out before he died so that I was able to get the truth. On the other hand it was a huge kick in the teeth and made working with him on this liquidation a challenge. I loved my dad but would be lying if I said I didn't feel betrayed. I worked very hard to squeeze every penny i could from the properties for my father initially and for my siblings eventually. I regret that I wasn't able to keep dad in his home as he wished but the dementia made it too difficult. I did the best I could with the hand I was dealt. Taking all things into consideration, it is the attorney that feels the compensation was not adequate and wants to talk to my sister and brother about it. Even if they agree and they very well may, I would have rather never had to learn what I did about my parents than have one more penny. We feel very confused about who they were and what our lives in that home really meant.

  9. #19
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    My sincere sympathies, Simplemind. No one could blame you for feeling betrayed. Once the dust settles I wonder if it would be worthwhile to talk to a counselor so that these things don't linger in your mind longer than they have to.

    On another note, I'm wishing that publications like AARP, which reaches a lot of seniors, would run articles on these end-of-life complications that the boomer generation is facing with their elderly parents who are stubbornly refusing to streamline things. I've heard so many versions of this same story that I can't help but wonder if there's a willful refusal to believe what it would take to clean up their affairs, or they honestly don't know.
    I'm thinking of something titled, "A Year after the Funeral" to detail how and what needed to be done. Maybe it would open some eyes ??

  10. #20
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    I am reading a book about Swedish death cleaning which is clearing out your belongings at around age 65 so that those left behind don't have to wade through your mess. I too came across my father's secret life after his passing. Boxes and boxes of love letters from another woman. So much better to burn that stuff so your children don't have to even know it ever happened. It has spurred me on to spend yesterday shredding.

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