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Thread: End of the line

  1. #1
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    End of the line

    I lost my dad to this horrible flu a week ago. I still feel stunned that it happened so fast. Now I am tasked with all the end of life details and the Trust. I am so thankful that I was able to liquidate all property before he died because I'll admit... I'm tapped out. It is pretty clear cut but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it. After meeting with the attorney today I think I have figured out why. Much came down to the amount of work and responsibility I have had for the past 6 years. I've just sucked it up and though I was compensated for some of it, we discussed that it was not enough compensation. So we will be meeting with the family to discuss this and it is hoped that they will be reasonable.
    Now that it is all over and dad is gone, I am finally able to unload this burden. I didn't realize until I started talking about it just how hard it had been. I always keep my head down and push forward. I didn't realize I was so emotional about it. My parents really left a sh*t show of a mess and my siblings (2) did not help. I am OK with that. I just realized I was not OK with the lack of appreciation from my parents and finally from my siblings. My husband worked each day with me and was never thanked or compensated. We lived and breathed this liquidation for four years. I don't know how they are going to feel about compensating that.

  2. #2
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    This is an awfully rough stretch of road to travel over. Be well.

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  3. #3
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    I'm sorry for your loss and stress and hope things work out for you and your husband.

  4. #4
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for both the loss of your father and the practical difficulties you are facing. Wishing the best for you.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Williamsmith's Avatar
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    The flu has been unusually harsh this year in my neck of the woods. My son in laws mother also died as a result and very unexpectedly. She was 70 and living on her own and substitute teaching every once in awhile. She failed to show up for work. She had been diagnosed with pneumonia and was on antibiotics.

    She was not prepared. Nobody knew where the important papers were, no will, no access to bank accounts, no direction whatsoever and a house that needs to be sold and property dispersed.

    I only tell you this to let you know many people are in a similar bind. I myself have a mother, 84, in a large house and she has done some clearing out but there’s a lot of stuff left. And she won’t consider moving into an apartment and getting the burden of a house off her children’s back.

    Ive thought about why it seems this is representative of my mothers generation. I think that they had a paradigm where the home was the last retreat for a struggling family. Today, however, that family is spread out across the nation if not globally. The sibling that stays closest gets the burden of managing it all. My generation sees this and makes sure they have prepared an easier path for their children.

    I am sorry about your loss but I am glad you can now see some way to pursue your personal best interest. I believe that we do get out of life what we put in it. The love we take is indeed equal to the love we make. My best wishes for your healing.

  6. #6
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry for your loss, Simplemind.

    And I'm sorry about everything that went before it in terms of the life energy expended on the liquidation of your dad's property. "The End of the Line" is a fitting title, because you are now spared the burden of dealing with his stuff after his death, and you can have some closure and move on.

    I think when one person is the responsible one in the family, the rest of the family tends to abdicate their own responsibility and shift it to that person. Not because they're lazy or don't care, but sometimes they don't even realize the extent of the work the responsible one is doing. Or they are glad that someone else has picked up the baton, so they put the problem on their own back burner. Everyone has a responsible one in the family. In my parent's family it was my Uncle Bill. He did it all. We felt he COULD do it all, so what could we contribute? Maybe it was unfair to Uncle Bill, but I think it's a common dynamic in families when we each adopt roles.

    I hope you and your family arrive at a mutually agreeable compensation for all your work, and again, my condolences on your loss.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  7. #7
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    I flinch a little when I see “after meeting with the attorney”.

    i know nothing about your relationship with you siblings. But before you open a discussion, please stop for a few minutes and get clear on what is truly important to you:
    money
    having them truly understand and appreciate what you did
    your relationship with them

    because you may not get all of that.

    losing my grandparents was painful. Dealing with the estate was overwhelming. But the one thing we all kept clear was that the most important gift they gave us was each other. Everything else was just stuff. I realize that we are lucky for that. Some families are a burden, not a blessing. But be sure.

    whatever happens, I am sorry for your loss and the struggle you have already been through.

  8. #8
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    I am so sorry for your loss, Simplemind.

  9. #9
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Simplemind, I'm sorry both for the loss of your father and for having to take care of the mess left behind.

    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    I think when one person is the responsible one in the family, the rest of the family tends to abdicate their own responsibility and shift it to that person. Not because they're lazy or don't care, but sometimes they don't even realize the extent of the work the responsible one is doing. Or they are glad that someone else has picked up the baton, so they put the problem on their own back burner. Everyone has a responsible one in the family.
    The responsible one in our family is me. There are only three siblings. One of them is my sick brother (whose care, through no fault of his own, will be part of the mess my mom leaves behind; long story for another thread sometime); he will not be able to shoulder any of the load. The other is my sister, who, for emotional reasons, greatly limits her participation in what goes on in all of life. She will step up to help when the time comes if I ask. But I'd be surprised if she volunteered for any aspect of the cleanup.

    To my mom's credit, she has gotten rid of belongings as the years have gone by. She has only so much capacity for the work, though, so it goes very slowly. My mom has become better about establishing access to her bank accounts, insurance, pension, etc. I strongly suspect her credit is a bit of a mess and, while the access to financial instruments is mostly there, the fine details (exactly who to call, latest statements, what bills will need to be paid when, etc.) are not. And the logistics of finding emergency care for my brother and determining what to do with the house (which I rent to them and which will need some renovation before any disposition [again, story for another time]) will fall to me. Thankfully, my DW functions with some perspective around the situation and can serve as a sounding board if not outright help in a pinch.

    The only compensation will be knowing I did my best at doing the right thing. I don't know as any other compensation is necessary.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  10. #10
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Simplemind, I am sorry you are not feeling valued for what you did for your father.

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