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Thread: Don't know what to do, where to turn

  1. #1
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    Don't know what to do, where to turn

    When I met my Dh, 20 years ago he was just getting past a rather nasty divorce and was quite bitter about it. Apparently, he had never wanted kids but his ex-wife "oopsed" him in to two little ones and he never welcomed, nor adjusted to life as a dad. That, coupled with his wife's controlling nature pretty much put a fork in the marriage.<br>
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    Like I said, when I met him he was very bitter. He tends to be a ranter and would go on an on about the various and sundry details about his unfortunate experience. I was "in love" and put up with the whole ball of wax thinking, (hoping) it would get better over time as he healed.<br>
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    After a lengthy courtship we got married and for a while things weren't bad, really. Oh, he is the kind of guy who is never happy with anything. Ever. Under any circumstances. But I was the kind of person who was happy enough for both of us. Being positive and upbeat is my strong point. Everything was pretty good for a while, maybe 12 years.<br>
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    Then a series of events occurred that changed the dynamic considerably. First of all my mother passed away. My mom was the one that I would run to when I got stressed out or needed a hug or some kind of positive influence. My mom was the one who built me up and made me feel like I could do anything. She had so much confidence and faith in me and always remarked (as mothers will) how smart and capable I was. When she died, I lost the only positive thing in my life and it hurt.<br>
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    Also at this time I went into business with my husband (which was a total disaster, but that is another post). During this time I was bombarded on a daily basis with his horrible, debilitating negativity. I cannot express strongly enough how negatively his demeanor affected my life, my outlook and my well being. It was hell. Pure hell. Fortunately, the business failed and I was free from that prison.<br>
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    I got a job out in the real world and for a time, things improved. Of course, I worked 75 hours a week in order to be away from him as much as possible because his negativing just exhausted me. This was actually kind of a benefit because I became known as a hard worker and someone who was always available to fill in as needed. <br>
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    Now, it is 20 years later and I am getting to the point where I can no longer stand to even be in the same room with him. He is the quintessential narcissist and I, effectively do not exist except to be a sounding board for his endless problems and drama. To give you a brief example of this, please let me illustrate.<br>
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    I was working two jobs which required me to be leave the house at 7 am and I would not return until 11 pm. It was an exhausting schedule. I have to drive about 27 miles to our rural home from work, and there were a few times when I was really, really tired and it was hard for me to stay awake. I talked to him about quitting the second job, but of course he had no interest in the conversation. I said to him.... "last night I almost did not make it home. One of these nights, I won't make it home, because I am so tired". To which he replied.... "Well, you know, I'm tired too I get up and go to work and have to deal with idiots all day and do the work of four people, I don't like my job at all and I wish I could quit".<br>
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    I, essentially told him that I was going to kill myself in a car wreck because I was so tired and all he could talk about was how tired he was and how he wished he could quit also.<br>
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    When we are at the table eating dinner. I will talk about "things" and he will not respond or enter into any conversation with me. Instead he will begin talking about the guys from work, or his job, or what he thinks about this or that. (He is an EXPERT on everything). If, perchance I DO say something of semi-interest to him, he will IMMEDIATELY CONTRADICT ME and CORRECT ME ON ANYTHING i SAY. Here is another example.<br>
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    "I think we should put some gravel on the driveway". (HIM) "It's not gravel, it's chat. and there is more than enough there now. It looks like there isn't any because we have had a lot of rain and it has washed dirt over it, but there is just as much there as there has always been and we don't need any more". <br>
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    "You know it would be nice to have a Sunday off" (HIM) Well, Sunday isn't the best day to have off because a lot of places are closed on Sunday. You know we live in a STUPID area where STUPID F***ing Jesus people make the f***ing rules, and so they close everything on Sunday so they can go to church. It would be much better if you had Saturday off so you could clean the house while I work in the yard".<br>
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    His rants are even better. He will talk for THREE DAYS about exactly the same thing. If he says something to me that he thinks sound garner a response he will continue to say the same thing over and over until I respond to him. "I put the dirty pan in the sink" (no response) "If you look in the sink, there, you will see that I put the dirty pot in the sink" (no response) "If you want the pan, you're going to have to wash it because I put it in the sink because it was dirty". <br>
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    The ONLY time he talks about anything is if it is negative. One of my favorite stories illustrates this perfectly.<br>
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    Many years he put in a small orchard. We live in the country and there is lots and lots of wildlife. One year the pear trees developed a disease called "Fire Blight" and there were no pears that year. The next year lo and behold there was a bumper crop of pears. I said to him. "Wow! that's a great crop of pears this year". To which he replied..." Yeah, but you know the raccoons will find them and there won't be any left on the tree".<br>
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    It's getting to the point where I can't stand it any more. The thing is, he is a good man, really and truly. He loves our pets and is super good to them. He cooks dinner some nights and cleans up the bathroom on occasion. ("Oh honey, the bathroom looks great" (HIM) "Well, yeah, it was getting so disgusting I couldn't stand looking at it any more" (Not true, but that's how he takes a compliment).<br>
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    We have a lot of property together and frankly, I don't want to start my life over. But I simply cannot deal with this any longer. I don't like having to work 75 hours just to be away from him. And I dread every second that I know he will be coming home from work and I will have to listen to him drone on and on and on about what he thinks for hours before I can finally go to bed.<br>
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    Any advice out there? Please feel free to ask questions. Thank you! <br>

  2. #2
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    Have you tried counseling?

  3. #3
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    Why don’t you want to start your life over? What is so good about this one?

    how old are you/your dh?

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    Have you tried counseling?
    I have mentioned it.

    He thinks he knows more than any counselor, of course. And also, counselors are a bunch of frustrated women libber man haters who don't know what they are talking about in his opinion.

    I might go for myself, but I am not sure what good that would do.

  5. #5
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    Go for yourself then to get support and the courage to leave. Or try a support group for people going through divorce. If he won't try counseling he doesn't care about the marriage. Long shot, but his ex-wife might provide you with some emotional support also. Maybe she is not as he has painted her.

  6. #6
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    There are also other things you could do to be out of the house besides work, like concerts, or getting together with friends, or a museum, or classes. Sounds like you might want some balance in your life, and something that adds to your enjoyment instead of just tiring you out.

    My husband is on the negative side but not anywhere the level you are dealing with. When I've had enough, I say "enough negativity, let's talk about something else" and if that doesn't work I go into another room and do something different. Not saying that will work for you, but maybe you could try it as an experiment. If you've been putting up with this for 20 years, he may have no idea how he sounds.

  7. #7
    Senior Member CathyA's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry. Leave him. You will be so much happier. He's not going to change and you have to believe that you deserve better.

  8. #8
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    Has he been evaluated for depression? Sometimes this shows up in men as anger since they may not have the same emotional range. And he could just be a jerk, but if he is willing a checkup with a mental health professional may at least tell him that this cannot continue.

  9. #9
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CathyA View Post
    I'm so sorry. Leave him. You will be so much happier. He's not going to change and you have to believe that you deserve better.
    +1

    At least try to find a temporary space you can live in by yourself. That will give you clarity about your situation. Check Craigslist or AirBnB.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken lady View Post
    Why donít you want to start your life over? What is so good about this one?

    how old are you/your dh?
    He is 58 and I am 62 (a very young 62)

    It seems so daunting to start over. There are pets, property, etc. It's exhausting just to even think about.

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