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Thread: Don't know what to do, where to turn

  1. #21
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    After reading the post, through it looking like it being typed on a teletype machine <br>eak, I got tired. Your too tired to think about divorce/separation, because your already exhausted.
    Is there a friend you could stay with a bit, closer to work? This could give you a respite if you decide you want to stay married, or a place to decide you don't, as well as a "staying here, so I don't wreck on the way home, as I started to fall asleep behind the wheel".

  2. #22
    Senior Member KayLR's Avatar
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    Enota, life is just too short to waste in this impossible, regretful relationship. If you cannot bring yourself to leave yet, at least see someone (counselor) to help you cope and give you some perspective.
    My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!

  3. #23
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    You entered into a relationship with an abusive man. The signs were there before you walked down the aisle. How a man treats his ex and his children is the roadmap to your future. You accepted a man who had no love for his own children. Why did you not think you deserved better then? How much more does he have to do before you stand up for yourself? No matter how many hours you stay away from him he is still controlling you.
    Please find a counselor for yourself. Life is too short to be miserable. Been there done that....

  4. #24
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    Sometimes staying in a miserable situation (marriage, job, relationshp) is what we do as dealing with an unknown future is too scary. I stumbled on an inspiring book that is all about facing what feel like insurmountable changes or transitions in one's life. It is called Breaking Open by Elizabeth Lesser.

  5. #25
    Senior Member flowerseverywhere's Avatar
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    Unless you are going to work until you drop dead think of this. You know that feeling you get when you drive up to your house and you know you are going to have to deal,with him? Imagine having that feeling from the moment you wake in the morning.
    At the very least get an MD checkup and talk to a professional if he won’t go to marriage counseling

  6. #26
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    So, I have been thinking of you.

    it seems like whatever misery might be involved in untangling yourself from this man would be shorter in duration than the misery of remaining with him.

    How many pets? What kind? What ages? Is the property dear to your heart? Is money that you need to retire tied up in it?

    you say you feel young, that your social group is in their 30’s. That’s great! It should make you hopeful, not resigned.

    5 years ago my 30 something heartdaughter walked away from an abusive husband with her car, her clothes, her son, and a bunch of books. She didn’t press charges. She didn’t ask for money or property. She couldn’t face it. He agreed to a no fault with shared custody and let her have some dishes and one of the cats.

    she is about to finish her master’s degree. She owns her own business. She and her partner own a house.

    you would have at least the resources from two jobs and your friends.

    sit down and write out a vision of your life ten years from now, if you go vs. if you stay. Do both a “best case” and a “worst case” of each. Then look them over - what are you willing to accept? Risk? Hope for? Only you can decide.

  7. #27
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by enota View Post
    It's getting to the point where I can't stand it any more. The thing is, he is a good man, really and truly. He loves our pets and is super good to them. He cooks dinner some nights and cleans up the bathroom on occasion.
    Can you see the contradiction here? I'm not a psychotherapist, but I've been around long enough to know that sometimes you grab onto hopefully to things that betray the big picture. So, you work yourself to the bone and try to find activities to keep you from being in the same room with him, but you'll take it because he cleans the bathroom once in a while and treats the pets probably better than he treats you?

    One time I was dating a guy that put me second all the time. When my mother caught me crying over him, she told me, "Damn it, Catherine, you are settling for crumbs when you deserve the whole cake!"

    Are you settling for crumbs? Again, if you could see a therapist or get away for a few weeks, you'd be stepping out in the right direction. As you said, the complexity of the situation is bound to be too overwhelming for you to handle by yourself, while you are still living there.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  8. #28
    Senior Member flowerseverywhere's Avatar
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    One more thing about pets. Leaving them would be heart wrenching. But animal shelter are full of beautiful, friendly, lonely pets who are begging for kind people to give them a home. There is no shortage anywhere in this country. From puppies and kittens to old dogs and cats who want some love and kindness take your pick.

  9. #29
    Senior Member flowerseverywhere's Avatar
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    One more thing. Just a little research can explain the traits of abusers
    https://www.learning-mind.com/emotional-abusers-traits/. There are resources to help, even online.

    you know, when the MeToo movement and gymnast abuse allegations started, even other women accused the victims of lying. But some of these abusers are so manipulative and clever, and their victims afraid, or made to feel like they asked for or deserved it, Abuse often goes unreported. In the Olympic scandal, many of the young women did actually reported it and were shooed away. It can be extremely difficult to leave an emotional or physical abuse situation no matter how awful, so don’t beat yourself up. He does enough of that.

  10. #30
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    Hitler loved his dog Blondi and was good to him. But call me a speciest if you want, people matter more than other animals. You matter more.

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