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Thread: My MIL is going to assisted living tomorrow

  1. #11
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    I remember when we moved my grandparents into assisted living. Grandmother insisted it was temporary and she was taking everything with her. We had to unload their entire house into a tiny one bedroom patio apartment. We were dealing with a lot of personality changes due to her strokes. The entire living room was stuffed to the ceiling. Only when management came by and insisted they couldn't stay there if all the stuff was staying and definitely couldn't do long-term storage on the tiny covered patio would she allow us to take away some things "on loan". I have her rocking chair "on loan" though she's been gone now 25 years. She never had to deal with nursing home the next stroke took her. Grandfather enjoyed the assisted living but as he aged, especially after being hit in the head by a car, he lost all the appliances in the apartment then had to move to nursing home for final year.

    So sorry. It's so stressful to deal with loss in all it's forms. Loss of independence, loss of capabilities, loss of personality, loss of freedom of all involved, loss of life.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  2. #12
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    I agree SteveninMN. I am 57 well next month I had pipe dreams of running a marathon or a half at 70. I know ladies and men on the trail that do. It is hard for me to accept that I probably won't be running, probably should not have this morning. I refuse to accept this most days. SO fully get why Dad wanted his license OMG, but he has not driven since getting it last year anyhow. I just think we all get stuck in our ways and as we age it must be worse for sure.

  3. #13
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    Studies show that most people adjust within 4 months. However, I had a good friend with early Alzheimer's that had to go into one when her DH was dying of cancer and within 6 weeks her mind was gone. The neurologist said it was not the disease but that she couldn't deal with her new reality. We were the only friends that ever went to visit for the almost 2 years before she died.

  4. #14
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    The sentiment "Just shoot me." perfectly expresses my feelings about warehouses for the elderly.

  5. #15
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JaneV2.0 View Post
    The sentiment "Just shoot me." perfectly expresses my feelings about warehouses for the elderly.
    While you dont intent it, I find this dismissive of the real situation of most elderly in these nursing homes/aka skilled nursing facilities.

    My first visit to a nursing home was a shocker, but after several visits I learned to see the social bonds, enjoyable activites, and etc. that make up real life there. a real life going on there. You (the generic you) have to look past the immediate sea of white hair and fraility to see the human activity of life there.

    My garden club has an annual show at a Friendship Village senior facility in St. Louis and we love it. They give us a great room and a built in audience. Some of the residents there were once floral designers so we invite them to make a designand display it. The grounds there are lovely, and if the location wasnt all the hell the way out in suburbia, I would consider moving there.

  6. #16
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    Assisted living is much nicer then a NH but you need the $ to afford it and around here they are super expensive. My DAd was lucky because my Mom cared for him at home for 14 years and I lived next door and helped her. Then when my Mom needed help through her 3 bouts of cancer us 3 kids took turns going home to stay for a few weeks until she would get better. WE all worked for government so were able to get off for a 2 week time period. By the time she was 88 and needed more help both my sibs lived close and were retired so they would move in for a few weeks to help her and then she could be alone again. She died shortly before 90 and only spent a week in a home. Both my parents were lucky and not too big of a burden. My 2 sibs never helped with my Dad but when my Mom needed it I lived far away so they stepped up to help her. If my Mom would have needed full time care she would have had to go into a home but she was determined to stay home and take care of herself. It is really tough when one kid is doing everything and I don't think a child should have to sacrifice their life to take care of a parent f.t.

  7. #17
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    While you dont intent it, I find this dismissive of the real situation of most elderly in these nursing homes/aka skilled nursing facilities.

    My first visit to a nursing home was a shocker, but after several visits I learned to see the social bonds, enjoyable activites, and etc. that make up real life there. a real life going on there. You (the generic you) have to look past the immediate sea of white hair and fraility to see the human activity of life there.

    My garden club has an annual show at a Friendship Village senior facility in St. Louis and we love it. They give us a great room and a built in audience. Some of the residents there were once floral designers so we invite them to make a designand display it. The grounds there are lovely, and if the location wasnt all the hell the way out in suburbia, I would consider moving there.
    I can speak only for myself, but I would rather be dead than sitting in a circle singing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider," tossing a nerf ball, and eating institutional food. YMMV, as always.

  8. #18
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JaneV2.0 View Post
    The sentiment "Just shoot me." perfectly expresses my feelings about warehouses for the elderly.
    So, how does this sentiment help the OP?
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  9. #19
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    So, how does this sentiment help the OP?
    I feel the same way as Jane. My nightmare scenario is being stuck in a room with someone who either talks or watches TV all day long and not having any silence. I hope it never comes to that personally but it could.

    But my MIL is different from me, and I actually think she will like having people around to talk to, and not having to be responsible for bills, medications, figuring out what to eat and the like. She's going into what in MA is called a rest home: its not a nursing home, but its not separate private apartments. Its basically a group home of about 30 residents. She needs constant reassurance, even the daily calls from my husband with several times a week visits have not been enough.

  10. #20
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by herbgeek View Post
    I feel the same way as Jane. My nightmare scenario is being stuck in a room with someone who either talks or watches TV all day long and not having any silence. I hope it never comes to that personally but it could.

    But my MIL is different from me, and I actually think she will like having people around to talk to, and not having to be responsible for bills, medications, figuring out what to eat and the like. She's going into what in MA is called a rest home: its not a nursing home, but its not separate private apartments. Its basically a group home of about 30 residents. She needs constant reassurance, even the daily calls from my husband with several times a week visits have not been enough.
    I just feel that there are enough people out there who don't have any other options than to "guide" their parents into assisted living, and they feel really guilty about it, for no good reason. In a perfect world, the Powers That Be would realize it costs a LOT more money to "warehouse" elderly people in group homes than it would to provide home health care.

    Would I rather die in my sleep hale and hearty in my own home at 92? Yes, of course. But I may well wind up in a rest home, or assisted living, or a convalescent hospital like my mother and grandmother. Who knows?
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

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