Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: My MIL that just went to assisted living has not adjusted- likely just too early

Hybrid View

Previous Post Previous Post   Next Post Next Post
  1. #1
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    2,718

    My MIL that just went to assisted living has not adjusted- likely just too early

    She was in denial the whole time that she would be moving (there's no dementia, she was just hoping for a miracle). She packed nothing. Hubby did the best he could to work with her and take her orders as to what to bring, but she forgot shoes and underwear. So first day hubby had to go purchase underwear.

    Yesterday we took the day to enjoy ourselves. Today we spent 7 hours starting to clean out the apartment. This woman was a serious hoarder. So much junk, rickety falling apart furniture, dust and grime. She really should have listened to my husband when he tried to get her to move 10 years ago. We packed at least 8 garbage bags of junk, a whole section of a room of stuff that is going to our "take it or leave it" shed at our recycling center (dozens and dozens of vases, candle holders etc- maybe someone will want them) and hundreds and hundreds of pictures. We spent hours taking them out of frames (most of which fell apart instantly) so we could pile them up by sibling to mail them. 4 of the 6 kids are hundreds of miles away. We haven't even really touched the place yet. There is crap on every surface, tables piled on tables with stuff on them, items with worn electrical plugs in ratty extension cords plugged into other extension cords. Its a wonder she 1) didn't have a fire 2) didn't collapse under all those items toppling down.

    On the way home from her apartment, we dropped off the shoes and the underwear. She was determined to be pissy. Would not acknowledge me, nothing but complaints to my husband. He was doing everything wrong. She wanted him to drive back to her apartment and pick up her melatonin. I flat out said no to another 80 mile round trip. Husband says he'll bring them tomorrow. She keeps asking multiple times. Hub says we spent the day sorting pictures. She didn't like that. She wanted the kids to come pick them up. He reminds her that one is in FL, another in SC and another in IA. She's upset we took them out of the frames. After about 1/2 hour of complaints, we leave. And she starts with the sarcasm, "oh go have some FUN".

    You know how you hear about these old people in homes, how no ever comes to visit with them? I know why. She is really determined to be unhappy.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    6,248
    oh so sorry, I hope it at least felt good to finally get in there and clean finally. I know that you both know that this was necessary but still not easy when you are in the middle of being complained to.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    1,502
    I feel your pain...... I really do.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Posts
    508

  5. #5
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    8,169
    One very wise nurse in a nursing home gave me an intelligent and loving answer to my question of "how do you cope with such challenging people?". Her answer changed how I saw those with advancing dementia and other issues. She replied very gently, " I simply see them as small children". See MIL as a frightened child and respond accordingly, gently but firmly. Hard to do, I know, but it does work.
    Those with advanced dementia are seen as toddlers. That nurse was an inspiration for many.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    7,454
    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    One very wise nurse in a nursing home gave me an intelligent and loving answer to my question of "how do you cope with such challenging people?". Her answer changed how I saw those with advancing dementia and other issues. She replied very gently, " I simply see them as small children". See MIL as a frightened child and respond accordingly, gently but firmly. Hard to do, I know, but it does work.
    Those with advanced dementia are seen as toddlers. That nurse was an inspiration for many.
    I actually, having now seen this in both parents, disagree with the toddler approach. I am finding much more luck with what I am reading in the book Contented Dementia, which argues for getting inside their paradigms, which do make sense to them. My mom is not illogical--she just has the wrong circumstances. She does not act differently than she did when she was a practicing lawyer. So I can't see infantilizing her and looking at her as a toddler when she pulls the dressing off her wound or she finds a way to cut off the wanderer bracelet they have placed on her, which irritates her. At home, all her life, if something bugged her, she dealt with it herself. When she refuses to go to see the doctor, she is acting as she has always done--she always hated doctors, she never went, and why should this be seen as "misbehaving" or "being difficult" or "obstinant"--all of which my brother and the some of the nurses have seen it as. She is being consistent, she just does not understand where she is or why she has been deprived of agency, why she is not allowed anymore to not sign a legal paper she does not understand--that is imminently sensible, and not at all like a toddler. If she thinks she is on a trip somewhere with well-meaning but bossy waitstaff, then she is reacting in a way that makes sense.

    Treating her as a toddler, acting as though these are discipline issues--it doesn't seem effective and I would not want someone talking to me as though I were a toddler at this point, even less if I had reached 90, and had life wisdom to share--she still does, by the way, and it is very different than talking to my 3 year old toddler granddaughter, even if both wear diapers.

    Although my 3 year old granddaughter has a lot of life wisdom to share, too, lol.

  7. #7
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    15,489
    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    I actually, having now seen this in both parents, disagree with the toddler approach. I am finding much more luck with what I am reading in the book Contented Dementia, which argues for getting inside their paradigms, which do make sense to them. My mom is not illogical--she just has the wrong circumstances. She does not act differently than she did when she was a practicing lawyer. So I can't see infantilizing her and looking at her as a toddler when she pulls the dressing off her wound or she finds a way to cut off the wanderer bracelet they have placed on her, which irritates her. At home, all her life, if something bugged her, she dealt with it herself. When she refuses to go to see the doctor, she is acting as she has always done--she always hated doctors, she never went, and why should this be seen as "misbehaving" or "being difficult" or "obstinant"--all of which my brother and the some of the nurses have seen it as. She is being consistent, she just does not understand where she is or why she has been deprived of agency, why she is not allowed anymore to not sign a legal paper she does not understand--that is imminently sensible, and not at all like a toddler. If she thinks she is on a trip somewhere with well-meaning but bossy waitstaff, then she is reacting in a way that makes sense.

    Treating her as a toddler, acting as though these are discipline issues--it doesn't seem effective and I would not want someone talking to me as though I were a toddler at this point, even less if I had reached 90, and had life wisdom to share--she still does, by the way, and it is very different than talking to my 3 year old toddler granddaughter, even if both wear diapers.

    Although my 3 year old granddaughter has a lot of life wisdom to share, too, lol.
    So much wisdom here...
    I really, really hope I die before I'm reduced (by others) to the status of "willful toddler."

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,368
    From my observation of other families, she will probably "kick and scream" when you and/or DH are there, for a while. All while settling in, but she won't want you to see that she is comfortable there. And probably the less you share about what you are doing with her previous home, the better for the two of you, i.e. "we divided the pictures into piles, one for everybody" rather than all the details he shared. It's hard for her to argue with sharing with siblings, but she could latch onto the frames and criticize and complain. Also, probably a good time to begin setting limits, 2nd complaint, you/DH leave. She can only verbally abuse you if you are present. And I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It will get better.

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Phoenix
    Posts
    2,777
    I agree - I don’t think you should tell her anything about her house other than the bare necessity of info. Of course she may just keep asking ... since there’s no dementia ...

    You may need to set strict limits around the frequency of your visits. Also with the understanding that if she has certain behaviors you are cutting the visit short.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    7,454
    My parents tried so hard to die in their home. We are faced with similar cleanup that you are doing. They can't return home their medical needs are too great. It is heartbreaking to lose your home, and I see how it has caused them to lose their bearings completely. It is just a slow horrifying death. I hope your mil can adjust as this is such a cruel process for someone to be forced by life and bad luck into a nursing home.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •