Must read: I Don't Know a Single Person on this Earth Anymore

[profnot]

Marvelous experience for you and a lovely bit of great story telling for us, Williamsmith!

I wish Americans weren't so set on staying in their houses until they can hardly function. The right group living situation can be so much healthier and allow for so much more happiness.

When mum turned 80 and not handling housework, yard work, and driving at all well, I convinced her to sell her house of 41 years and moved all her things into a lovely assisted living facility. She kicked and screamed the months before the month.

A few months later, she LOVED living in her new smaller home. Far less work, far more social opportunities, and fun field trips. Medical resources were close by so doctor visits were much easier.

I see my older friends isolated in their houses, exhausted from care giving spouses, and overwhelmed at the thought of reducing their belongings to sell the house and move. Many do not have family help at all.

If only they had moved into a group situation or at least a condo with wheelchair - size doorways, etc, when they were in their 60s or early 70s.

[CathyA]

You have such a great writing style, WilliamSmith. I can really see the images you paint.

I have real difficulty reading. I don't know if it's because I was never encouraged to read, or if I have a disability of some sort, but I just don't read anything that's too long....like books and long articles. It's too hard. But......after reading the comments on this thread, I was talking to DH about it. He reminded me of a book that DD got him for christmas. He said that it talks exactly about these same issues. I thought some of you might be interested in reading it. It's called "Being Mortal:Medicine and What Matters in the End" by Atul Gawande. He's a physician and talks about his interactions with patients, and what they really want in the end. I thought some of you might enjoy it.

[razz]

A question that may trigger some further thoughts on the OP.
How much of the loneliness problem is caused by the culture that children must ever be striving to achieve more and more self gratification. This has been happening across several generations so far. It is the hypnotic gleam of materialism that is never satisfied. EG- It is never enough to have a house but must be bigger and better with the latest gadgets that are expensive to maintain.

As several articles mentioned on this site have noted in different ways, at the end of one's life, what one most cherishes is the connections with others. What one most regrets, is the lack of time and effort devoted to the connections with others.

Is it our materialism that is destroying community building and generating loneliness?

[catherine]

If only they had moved into a group situation or at least a condo with wheelchair - size doorways, etc, when they were in their 60s or early 70s.

Wow, I think sixties/early 70s is way too early for any normal, healthy adult to consider group housing! Sorry, but I'm going to be 66 in a couple of months and I'm in no way ready for a group situation or a wheelchair accessible home. Sheesh! I get your point--do it sooner rather than later, but 60s/early 70s??? You won't put me out to pasture THAT easily!

How do we KNOW if and when we're going to be isolated, exhausted and overwhelmed in our 80s? Are you suggesting we should be packed up and sent off as a preventative measure? Huh. As we say in Jersey, fuggedaboutit.

[CathyA]

This thread is making me a little nervous. I have never been a social being. I love being alone. I even worry about DH ever retiring, since I can't think very well when he's home. But I do worry about DH dying some day and I have no one to help me. I'm sure my children would help occasionally, but they live a ways away. And there's NO WAY ON EARTH I ever want to live in a "nursing home". I would rather die here, alone. So thinking I have that option (ending my life), gives me some comfort. I know that must sound pathetic to some, but that's how I feel. I just hope I have enough wits about me when the time comes to carry my wishes out..........

[SteveinMN]

Wow, I think sixties/early 70s is way too early for any normal, healthy adult to consider group housing! )

Life can change pretty darn fast. One good (?) fall. A car accident. A rapidly-progressing disease like Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. The average life expectancy in the U.S. is still around the mid-80s, which indicates that every person who dies at 94 has a counterpart somewhere who died at 74. Perhaps 66 is too early for you to even think about a group housing or companion arrangement. But I don't think considering it is out of line, especially for people who are far from family and have outlived friends or who live somewhere which could present serious challenges to safe living.

How do we KNOW if and when we're going to be isolated, exhausted and overwhelmed in our 80s? Are you suggesting we should be packed up and sent off as a preventative measure? Huh. As we say in Jersey, fuggedaboutit.

No one knows. But it's not difficult and not a ridiculous idea to plan for the possibility. Our next-door neighbors (he's 70-something; she's 60) just remodeled their house to put the washer and dryer in a spare bedroom so they don't have to traipse up and down stairs just to do laundry. It wasn’t cheap, but they've got the money. My mom's place already has been partially adapted to accommodate someone who's a far cry from 66 years old. There were other houses in the neighborhood we considered but this one was the most adaptable. Our neighbors and my family had the wherewithal to make those choices. How many other people do not?

Pack up and send off as a protective measure? No. But make it possible through design and modification and services to allow people to live someplace safely and with what they need to live a decent life? I don't see anything wrong with making that happen. And it doesn't have to come exclusively from gubmint money either.

[iris lilies]

I have friends in their 80’s. They are active and involved in our community. DH walks with one set of 80 year olds every morning. They all have one thing common—proactive planning for their later years. All of these households sold their giant ass houses when they were in their late 60’s to early 70’s and moved to one story condos.

I am talking about two households we know well, and two more households we know who are parents of friends. All of them end up in our neighborhood because it is a great place to live.

So, I postulate that an ability to grasp reality of aging is tied with successfully negotiating the trials of aging.

Dh and I are taking a risk by buying an extra house that needs lots of work and lots of planting. In a rural, tiny town. But it is possible that we would move there permenantly. Surprisingly, there is a hospital three blocks away. Most tiny towns dont have the regional hospital nearby. We shall see how this plays out. On the one hand, working up our new one acre plot will keep us young by activity and mental stimulation. On the other hand if injury or extensive illness
happens, will we be able to negotiate how to deal with two dwellings? Stay tuned.

[JaneV2.0]

I'm with Cathy; no group living for me--my worst nightmare.

[iris lilies]

There are degrees of housing between a big ass house with multiple acres and the nursing home.
It is a false dichotomy to argue otherwise.

It seems to me to be lacking in common sense AND imagination to NOT be able to envision a downsized life that meets many of our needs for our authentic selves. Dont like other people? Get a place where you shut the damn door and keep them out. Like Mother Nature? Get a place that looks out to woods or field or lake or mountain, or whatever natural scene you like. Like to garden? Get a place that provides a small bed for residents who want it, or a patio with sunny exposure and water access that can hold pots.

The key is how much real estate you surround youself with, and how much money you have to maintain it. It is foolish to assume no other person will be taxed when you (the generic you) and your place fall into squalor and disrepair. Your children (generic children) and those obligated to care for you have enough on their plate, no one wants to mow someone elses acres, bush hog their giant weeds, repair their roofs, clean their gutters.

I am watching this play out right now where our close friend is moving across the country and will be buying an enormous rural house in the with land. She does 0 work herself. Nada, zip. Her income will be in the $35,000 range. She is near 70. I dont inderstand how one maintains a 3,000 sq foot house in harsh winters with land and out buildings on that income. She does have a few hundred thousand in her IRA. It will go fast.

[CathyA]

There are degrees of housing between a big ass house with multiple acres and the nursing home.
It is a false dichotomy to argue otherwise.

It seems to me to be lacking in common sense AND imagination to NOT be able to envision a downsized life that meets many of our needs for our authentic selves. Dont like other people? Get a place where you shut the damn door and keep them out. Like Mother Nature? Get a place that looks out to woods or field or lake or mountain, or whatever natural scene you like. Like to garden? Get a place that provides a small bed for residents who want it, or a patio with sunny exposure and water access that can hold pots.

The key is how much real estate you surround youself with, and how much money you have to maintain it. It is foolish to assume no other person will be taxed when you (the generic you) and your place fall into squalor and disrepair. Your children (generic children) and those obligated to care for you have enough on their plate, no one wants to mow someone elses acres, bush hog their giant weeds, repair their roofs, clean their gutters.

I am watching this play out right now where our close friend is moving across the country and will be buying an enormous rural house in the with land. She does 0 work herself. Nada, zip. Her income will be in the $35,000 range. She is near 70. I dont inderstand how one maintains a 3,000 sq foot house in harsh winters with land and out buildings on that income. She does have a few hundred thousand in her IRA. It will go fast.

It's almost impossible to be open to giving up a house and a lot of land around you, even if you can't keep it up, especially having lived here for 36 years and raised children here. We'll see how it goes, but I have no intentions of leaving........