Serious Night Time Depression

[enota]

For the most part, during the day, I can cope pretty well with having a miserable existence. I keep busy, work hard, try to think positive and express gratitude for having a business that is flourishing and profitable.

But, at night, when I am in bed, struggling to sleep, sadness overwhelms me. I feel so alone, so unloved and un-appreciated. I cannot remember a night in a very long time when I didn't soak my pillow with tears and wish that I would not wake up to see another day. Often I will work until complete and utter exhaustion just so that I can fall in bed and, hopefully, go to sleep quickly so I do not have to suffer yet again through another night.

I've always been a supreme cuddler, especially at night. I want to feel safe, and loved and protected and cherished, and those are the very last things I feel, and will ever feel from my husband. Like I said, during the day, it's not much problem, but the nights are hell.

Can anybody offer any coping mechanisms to help? Any tricks that work for them? I have a dog, but she is outside and can't come into the house because I have 5 cats and our house is super tiny and our dog is big. She has a wonderful heated house and a feather duvet to sleep on and is the happiest dog I know, so she is not suffering from lack of human contact. Besides, I spend a lot of time with her to make sure she knows she is loved. Besides dog love is nice, but it can't make up for people love.

Your input?????

[rosarugosa]

I'm so sorry, Enota. This sounds like additional confirmation that you need to make some major life changes. Nobody should feel this lonely and miserable within a marriage.

[Yppej]

Dogs are pack animals and so are people. You both need more human contact.

[razz]

Enota, where it seems that one is surrounded by a deep sense of thick fog, one needs to go to an aerial view above the clouds. One cannot do this alone. Please, please ask for help from someone who will understand and give you the tools to cope and rise above the emotions that you are experiencing.
Big hugs, my dear.

[Tybee]

Enota, where it seems that one is surrounded by a deep sense of thick fog, one needs to go to an aerial view above the clouds. One cannot do this alone. Please, please ask for help from someone who will understand and give you the tools to cope and rise above the emotions that you are experiencing.
Big hugs, my dear.

+1

[SteveinMN]

+2

Additionally, I was in a somewhat similar position in my first marriage when counseling indicated that we weren't going to make it. I didn't want the house we lived in so I was willing to move out, but I wasn't ready to move that day or even that week.

What got me through that interim was paying special attention to the good things that happened in my life (big work task accomplished, the fall colors on the way home from work, lunch with friends, whatever) and planning for my "next life". I got a post office box and started forwarding my mail there. I thought about which neighborhood or city I wanted to live in and what form that place would take (someone's basement, apartment, sublet condo, house,...). I made a list of what items I wanted to take with me (a draft of the division of assets document). I asked trusted friends about who I should hire as my lawyer. I joined a Usenet group for divorced or soon-to-be-divorced people. The point is that I started planning my future and I saw that future as a good one (even if the road there was going to be really bumpy).

I firmly believe that pain is not a stopping point. If your marriage does not and cannot meet your needs (again, some professional outside of the situation will be helpful here), then either you consign yourself to the changes you need to make to stay or you start making moves to leave. I know you related in your earlier post that there are some big challenges to consider (pets, etc.) but you're at a crossroads here and apparently standing where you are is not a safe place (emotionally) for you to stand.

[Baldilocks]

First I want to say I'm very sorry about your situation. Two things that help me to cope in my situation are faith in Jesus (Going to church, bible reading, worship and prayer) and exercise that I enjoy. (Ice skating, Rollerblading and cycling) The music at my church is contemporary, the people care about each other and there is a message of hope, love and victory. Skating and cycling makes me feel like a 51 year old kid. I believe they both help me to deal with stress and on going disappointment.

[catherine]

I firmly believe that pain is not a stopping point. If your marriage does not and cannot meet your needs (again, some professional outside of the situation will be helpful here), then either you consign yourself to the changes you need to make to stay or you start making moves to leave. I know you related in your earlier post that there are some big challenges to consider (pets, etc.) but you're at a crossroads here and apparently standing where you are is not a safe place (emotionally) for you to stand.

I agree. Enota, the horrific nights awake and in tears is not an insomnia problem you can fix with white noise or SleepyTime tea. You are simply taking the veil off of your feelings at night. During the day you are doing your best to wear that veil to cover the unpleasantness at home. Please consider speaking with a professional to sort this out.

In the meantime, for the sleep problem, I've found the best thing for me is similar to what Baldilocks said, but in my case, it's a rosary. I find saying a rosary at night helps to take my mind off all the worries that may plague me in the middle of the night and I often fall asleep before I've finished it.

I realize you may not have a religious faith, so maybe learning meditation to get rid of the "monkey mind" that can be tortuous in the dark and quiet night--the rosary is nothing much more than a long mantra. If you could find someone to teach you basic meditation principles, it might help relax you and put your mind at peace.

But, please look at the bigger picture. Hugs to you.

[enota]

Thanks to all who responded.

I will take all recommendations under consideration.

[Gardenarian]

Hi Enota,

I've been thinking about your predicament since you posted. I'm just so sorry (((hugs)))

Here are some things I might try in your situation, for what it's worth:

One thing would be to change up your night time routine. If you normally read or watch television before bed, maybe going for a walk or taking a bath would put your mind and heart in a different place.

I was wondering if there is anyone that you correspond with daily, by email or text? It would be great if you could arrange with a friend or relative to email each other nightly, just to have someone to talk about your day with. Or of course you could phone.

Are you getting enough contact with other people during the day? I don't know what your daily schedule is, but if you spent the evening browsing in a bookshop, going to a cafe, or just looking at all the cute stuff for sale at Target, even grocery shopping late - you might feel less isolated?

I was also wondering about exercise, which I always find helpful for just about everything. It's possible that really upping your activity level would help you fall asleep - maybe fast enough so the bad thoughts don't arise.

Have you tried changing around your sleep pattern? Getting up earlier or later, seeing if that helps?

Just staying up all night for one night can totally help reset your mood. The effects are temporary, but can help to break thought patterns.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/a...es-depression/

I am a librarian, and have heard several patrons say that they fall asleep much more easily while listening to audiobooks. Might be worth a try.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.