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Thread: Serious Night Time Depression

  1. #11
    Senior Member
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    Dec 2010
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    474
    The night-time blues are easier for me with a nice warm rice bag. Itís not the same as human contact, but it is some comfort - especially since my dog died.

  2. #12
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
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    451
    Your husband is not meeting your needs. Is he open to learning how to do it? A lot of men need an education on how to take care of a wife. Just like one learns how to take care of each different kind of pet, what each one needs, a man has to learn, be actually taught how to take care of a woman. Neglect of a pet is awful, and cruel. The same is true of neglecting a wife (or husband). How many times does a pet need to be fed, or litter changed, with what frequency and regularity? Do we understand, truly, what suffering a dog goes through when left alone for hours and hours? How about a parrot?
    It is not something that comes naturally with many men. Learning requires a certain level of humility, and sometimes men need to be faced with an ultimatum, or some other kind of shock, before they become open to it. A good marriage counselor can help. It sounds like you are drifting apart. He needs to be shocked awake and make some changes. For his own good. True love is doing everything you can and then some, to learn how to truly meet your loved one's needs. That requires listening, and conversation first. Buy a copy of What Women Want Men to Know by Barbara DeAngelis. Read it first, then use it to bring up points that you want to discuss with your husband. If you can get your husband to do it, have him read it too. Otherwise, read to him if he can tolerate that. Then discuss. You have to keep trying different things, and try, try again. It takes repetition, lots of it, to learn a new language or behavior too. So don't give up if he doesn't get it the first time or the second or the third. It will be a foreign language to him. I am assuming he really does love you and in his heart wants you to be happy. He just doesn't know how.
    Last edited by Packratona!; 2-28-18 at 7:46am.

  3. #13
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    Join Date
    May 2011
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    67
    Quote Originally Posted by Packratona! View Post
    Your husband is not meeting your needs. Is he open to learning how to do it? A lot of men need an education on how to take care of a wife. Just like one learns how to take care of each different kind of pet, what each one needs, a man has to learn, be actually taught how to take care of a woman. Neglect of a pet is awful, and cruel. The same is true of neglecting a wife (or husband). How many times does a pet need to be fed, or litter changed, with what frequency and regularity? Do we understand, truly, what suffering a dog goes through when left alone for hours and hours? How about a parrot?
    It is not something that comes naturally with many men. Learning requires a certain level of humility, and sometimes men need to be faced with an ultimatum, or some other kind of shock, before they become open to it. A good marriage counselor can help. It sounds like you are drifting apart. He needs to be shocked awake and make some changes. For his own good. True love is doing everything you can and then some, to learn how to truly meet your loved one's needs. That requires listening, and conversation first. Buy a copy of What Women Want Men to Know by Barbara DeAngelis. Read it first, then use it to bring up points that you want to discuss with your husband. If you can get your husband to do it, have him read it too. Otherwise, read to him if he can tolerate that. Then discuss. You have to keep trying different things, and try, try again. It takes repetition, lots of it, to learn a new language or behavior too. So don't give up if he doesn't get it the first time or the second or the third. It will be a foreign language to him. I am assuming he really does love you and in his heart wants you to be happy. He just doesn't know how.
    Well, I don't think he would be open to anything like that. Unfortunately. He thinks he is always right and never wrong and gets very hostile and defensive if anyone implies that he is not perfect in every way. Most of the time, he will not even entertain the notion. Believe me, during the past 20 years I have tried many times to elicit some kind of cooperation and understanding. It's impossible.

  4. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
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    669
    Can you move to your own bedroom? Bring your dog in with you at night and close the door? Test to see if she/he helps you out?

    i'm so sad for you. Make a move that might help. Try something...anything.....DH may or may not get the message. I do agree with sitting down to discuss your minimum needs.

    Life is too short to be so sad and unhappy.

  5. #15
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    474
    This man has starved you of affection and belittled you for 20 years. Why let him do it for 20 years plus one day? You work insane hours to avoid his company - your health and your life are at high risk. Staying with him hurts you worse with every day. He Is Not Going To Change. You Are Enabling Him.

    You neither love nor like this man. You have your own money and your own car. You have no children. You can find pet-friendly accommodation. If youíre married in community of property, youíre entitled to half of the marital assets acquired in the marriage. Youíre in a good position to get a new and better life.

    Itís scary, yes. I was married to an abusive alcoholic. I strenuously resisted, for 12 years, the knowledge that I had to leave. It took another 3 years from the moment of epiphany until I did go. I had no job, no money, lived far out of town, had two children and pets. Things all came together in a rush and I was out, gone for good, and legally divorced within two months.

    Yes, I was scared. Yes, the first few months were financially rocky. I never for one minute wished I hadnít done it. I still have PTSD flashbacks but they are so much easier to bear than the reality of the abuse that generated them!

  6. #16
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    Aug 2016
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    1,955
    Enota, only you can decide if it is time to end the relationship. I went through that and it was probably 7 years before I decided--a long time, I know. I wish I had done it sooner, but I was afraid for my children. When I finally decided it was unsafe for them living in the same house with him, I got out, although it was absolutely terrifying. There was no changing him, no counseling (we tried that) no answers in staying. Now, looking back, I wish I had done it much sooner. So you have to delve deep into what your body and your mind are trying to tell you, and go from there.. .

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