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Thread: Bitterness growing for 40 years

  1. #21
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    You are doing well. We can't really change others, we can only change ourselves, our attitudes, how we view and handle things. Try to find and do things to bring happiness each day, even if only for a few minutes. This won't last forever, but treasure the moments whether with him or away from him. You do have some choices, so try to learn ways to work towards some freedoms. Try to give yourself breaks, it works wonders! Especially exercise outdoors like walking or biking.
    What you are going through, is pretty typical caretaker stress. You are taking care of a seriously ill loved one. After you think about this awhile, try to make some decisions about some changes you need to make, you should sit down and talk to your husband about it. Explain that you are reaching burnout, and need to take action to make some changes so that you will be able to continue helping him effectively. If he is as nice as you say, then he should be all for it; it is in his best interest. It will involve leaving him for some periods of time (to walk, go out with a friend, or whatever) but that must be done on a regular basis to keep you healthy emotionally and physically. Give him a list of things to do while you are gone, that will help you and him.

    We would all love hearing from you in a few months as you sort things out and make some small changes...

  2. #22
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    corkym, I'm glad we were able to provide some good vibes and some things to think about. I hope it works out for you -- both of you, really.

    Quote Originally Posted by corkym View Post
    I also think its odd how some people will run from one bad relationship straight to another. I myself would never get into another relationship if something were to happen to my husband. Why risk it happening again.
    I have known people like that. It's like they're afraid of being alone/on their own. They seem to value more being with someone than being with the right someone.

    My dad passed away 22 years ago. My mom hasn't so much as gone out on a date with another guy. She's quite busy anyway, but she says that, at this point, she doesn't want to get into the work that would accompany a serious relationship. For her I don't think it's a matter of potentially avoiding another bad marriage (she and my dad had a good marriage) but the realization that her emotional energy level is limited and she doesn't think the gains from a serious relationship would outweigh what it would take out of her emotionally. She has a dog; it's enough companionship and a lot less work than a husband.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  3. #23
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    I just have to rearrange my thinking about the situation and start making some changes.
    That's a very good attitude.

  4. #24
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    Also, we have to face new realities as we get older, that there really is a limit to the energy we have. So we become more aware of the limit to our life energy and learn to safeguard it more carefully as we make choices. Leaving a marriage, starting all over, moving takes a huge toll. It sounds like you are making wise choices as you consider the cost of the choices. But small every day choices to change some things can actually have a huge effect. Good idea to brainstorm and maybe read some books relevant to the issues; there are some great ones out there that will help a great deal. One thing that helps me with bitterness, really is to build thankfulness into my life on a several times a day basis. For the food I have to eat, decent clothes to wear, shoes, the roof over my head, my husband though he isn't perfect, so much better than many women all over the world have to put up with, and many do not even have one at all to give them anything at all. Anything that still works and is healthy in the body is something to be thankful for as we get older. So if we thank the Creator, and also try to help even with a kind word, who have less than we do, it goes a long way.

  5. #25
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    That is so true about thinking twice about some of our choices as we age as the outcomes can be much harder than we realize. We chose to retire and move 800 miles away from everything we knew. At the time, it seemed like a fun thing to do and it was for a while. It has turned out to be a very stressful roller coaster ride that I hope we can eventually survive. The grass is always greener...

  6. #26
    Senior Member corkym's Avatar
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    Packratona - You are so right about being thankful! When I am wallowing in ice cream and Chips Ahoy at my pity party for one I try to always thump myself on the head to remind myself you are so much better off than so many people. Take whatever you have and run with it and make it into something. Especially when I reach that time of burnout, I have to force myself to stop and smell the freshly baked donuts and then only eat one instead of three. That is what happened this week, I finally reached burnout after several yrs and I couldn't see beyond the end of my nose and I am so thankful to all of you for giving me perspective.

  7. #27
    Senior Member corkym's Avatar
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    Steve - Your mom sounds like a very wise woman I agree, a dog is soooo much easier than a relationship. Even with good relationships it takes every ounce of emotions and energy. You have to stop and evaluate before jumping in "am I willing to love enough to the point of sacrifice at times." If you aren't ready for that, it is better to hold off. I have seen more marriages where one partner abuses the right of the other person, then I have of marriages that are equal. I have seen some marriages where the partners truly do respect each other and where they give themselves to each other equally, but unfortunately I haven't seen very many couples like that. Being in a marriage where it is one sided and the one person is selfish takes its toll on the other person and drains everything out of them to the point of not finding any joy in life at all. I think commitment and responsibility classes should be taught in high school. I wonder which breed of dog would make the best roommate

  8. #28
    Senior Member corkym's Avatar
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    Pinkytoe - Yep, you nailed it. I have a problem with always thinking the grass is always greener and I am always wanting to escape instead of working through whatever is bothering me. Oh that wise saying....."in hindsight....." I am so very sorry you made a move that you aren't happy with. We did that also. Funny, how I didn't like where we lived until we moved 1,500 miles away and now I am so homesick for all the familiar places.....
    I hope you can find places there that become home to you and new friends that bring you happiness. It is so hard to "bloom where you're planted" when you are unhappy. But it really does refine us and make us better people. I hope so anyway and if not there is always pizza and ice cream

  9. #29
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by corkym View Post
    I think commitment and responsibility classes should be taught in high school.
    Just thinking that it would be tough to teach kids to have a timeline for commitment and responsibility measured in decades when they haven't completed two decades in their entire lives...

    Never mind the fact that commitment and responsibility are rarely exhibited by the adults of our world. Business not making enough profit? Time to "rightsize" even employees who have been productive for decades. Promised your voters something that turned out to be career-limiting or not what your money masters want? Flip-flop! Don't want to pay your own freight for dangerous behavior? That's OK; society will pay for it.

    Maybe better to teach kids resilience and how to be their own complete selves. They'll need that for a lifetime of careers, friendships, romantic partners, changing financial and health situations, and so on.

    Quote Originally Posted by corkym View Post
    I wonder which breed of dog would make the best roommate
    All depends on what you're looking for, I guess. My mom has a Yorkie, which is cute as all get out but won't keep my mom warm at night the way a spaniel or retriever would. On the other hand, one good hand is all that's needed to get the Yorkie out of trouble; that doesn't work with a spaniel or a retriever.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  10. #30
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkytoe View Post
    That is so true about thinking twice about some of our choices as we age as the outcomes can be much harder than we realize. We chose to retire and move 800 miles away from everything we knew. At the time, it seemed like a fun thing to do and it was for a while. It has turned out to be a very stressful roller coaster ride that I hope we can eventually survive. The grass is always greener...
    But you can always move back. Its not an irrevocable decision.

    I realize that is easier said tha. Done, but it is doable.

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