Bitterness growing for 40 years

[ApatheticNoMore]

Well is he physically capable of helping out around the house now? Then he should be doing that, if you are the breadwinner and working 50 hour weeks, he should do whatever chores he is physically able to, at least leaving you free not to do that.

I almost want to give the advice to you and another poster to get a hobby which I realize is little solution at all to marital problems but the post is so lacking in anything enjoyable. But 50 hour weeks leaves little time, well yes that's why he should do housework etc. if he can to leave you some time for leisure (I know it won't be much but a little). Yea look at your budget, not just for what you can save, I mean that's all well and good, rainy day fund etc., in fact if you can it's probably *crucial* in your situation, but if there is room for something you would enjoy as well (out to eat once in a month if that's it, public transit/uber/cab to go to a free museum once in a while if that's it, whatever you like and actually makes sense for your location etc.). Because you should do some fun things, and yes some might be free (but the lack of transit might be a problem there as a lot of things require a way to get there).

Now people here will probably suggest therapy/counseling etc., but that is going to cost more than any hobbies I suggest. Yes it will cost more even if you have health insurance (good for you if you do, that's important for medical expenses but ...) because unless you really have a gold level gold plated employer plan or something there are copays etc..

As for comparing yourself to your peers etc.. It's a waste of time. Much of it is fate. It's not in our control anyway. I mean I suppose you could have married differently but you probably married for love and not for money, am I right?

[enota]

In many ways I am in the same boat but only 20 years instead of 40.

I guess if i were "this lady" I would dry to look at my husband as though he were a child with down's syndrome or some other type of debilitating condition. Think of him as your child and not your husband. We will give a kid a lot more rope than we will an adult or "partner". Think that if this had been your child you would have done everything just the same and done it with love in your heart. No anger, no bitterness, no resentment (maybe). I don't know. I feel bad that you could have had a much better life with someone else. It's really never too late to start over. It's the only life you have, you know.

[corkym]

Simple Mind - I am so glad to hear your friend was brave enough to get on with her life and that she is finally happy. When your spouse is mean spirited that takes on a whole new level of hurt. I really wish people would think really hard before they get married on whether they are compatible with the personality their partner has. Unfortunately a lot of us get married when we are young and stupid and can't see beyond the end of our noses. Sometimes I think there should be a mandatory age of 30 before you are allowed to be married....lol.

[corkym]

Apathetic No More - Yes he is able to do minor housework as long as it isn't to strenuous and as long as I keep my big mouth shut and don't complain because he doesn't do it to my standards No, I don't really think I married for love to be honest. I was young and stupid and just thought it was the thing to do so I did. I didn't realize what the long haul would be like and that I could always just jump ship if I wanted out. I can't believe how ignorant you can be at 19 yrs of age. Oh, if we could all do things over again is the lament of so many people.....
And actually, your idea of getting a hobby is an excellent idea! I have thought about that before, I need something I like to occupy my pea sized brain so I don't think about "poor me". My problem is I don't even know what I like anymore, I have never had time. I am going to have to do some thinking about that.....

[corkym]

Thank you for your encouragement Dado Potato - Yes, everyone on here is very supportive and compassionate and that goes a long way in motivation to turn your life around. Thank you so much for the link to the Health Board discussion group. I can't wait to check it out. And I agree with your "Old Dad". Its important to keep getting back up after being knocked down. That's the only way you will make it in life.

[corkym]

Hi Enota - That is funny because I actually had thought about doing that before, only looking at him as a person with dementia. I wanted to see if it would change my feelings towards him. He takes 34 pills a day, so obviously with all the side effects it has slowed his thinking and responses down considerably. I think it would change my outlook a lot. I need to really work at getting that mindset.

[pinkytoe]

My weird side thinks maybe you need something on the order of an affair. I recall reading about longtime Alzheimer's spouses who looked for companionship outside their marriage just to survive the loneliness of the situation.

[Yppej]

Can you get legally divorced but continue to live together? That might free you from debts to the IRS and others for his failed business schemes, and possibly since he is disabled he could get Medicaid versus whatever you are paying for medical costs for him now. Does he receive disability payments that contribute to the household income? If not he should file for them.

[Packratona!]

Well, since you put this in the spiritual section, I will comment on that. I think that biblically, divorce is an option if the partner, over the long haul, has not fulfilled his/her basic responsibilities as a husband or wife. Certainly divorce is more than optional under certain circumstances. You have certainly given him plenty of chances, and he just does not fulfill his responsibilities as a husband. I would say, start at least investigating possibilities for escape, even if it is only for small periods of time. That will cool your brain so you can maybe think with a clearer mind. No affair, that is a bad idea, just some escape and fun away from him even for a few hours. Also, think about the financial ramifications due to divorce. Sometimes persons of this age do it for that reason. Might be better for both of you.

[corkym]

Thank you Everyone for being so kind and taking the time to respond to my whining. Actually, this has really opened my eyes and made me stop and realize there are options, its up to me to start making smart "choices" for my life. It also made me realize some of the people a few of you have described have it far worse than I do. No, at this point in life I won't divorce him. If I had decided on that I needed to do it many years ago. I just have to rearrange my thinking about the situation and start making some changes. I need a break and I am going to arrange that. My mom and dad had the same situation I do. I used to hate my dad at times because my mom was left to do the working and everything. He was a dreamer and also disabled. And now I see my husband and I are living a rerun of their lives. Funny, how I used to always tell my mom not to put up with that and to leave him. I would always tell her to make different choices....lol. And look, here I am doing exactly what she did. There must be some kind of deep seated psychological issue here I also think its odd how some people will run from one bad relationship straight to another. I myself would never get into another relationship if something were to happen to my husband. Why risk it happening again. My mom never remarried when my dad died and she is happy finally. My grandmother was the same way and I have some aunts and a good friend that have also never got involved with another relationship when their husbands passed. None of them ever wanted to remarry. So at least they wised up and are all living happy lives now. My husband really is a good guy just so very irresponsible. Some of the stories I could tell would leave you smacking your head...lol. So many great suggestions and wisdom are in all of your responses and I am going to be trying a lot of them. Thank you All!