burn in hell

[jp1]

I disagree with your assessment. Many older people are really getting fed up with the state of this country. The traditional values that they hold very dear are being stripped away and they don't like it very much. Most will simply sit there, or complain to their friends over coffee and crochet, not many have the gumption to speak their mind in a hostile environment. Did it ever occur to anyone not to discuss controversial subjects or simply smile and say nothing?

I would agree. From the OP's description it doesn't seem like grandma is suffering dementia. It sounds more likely that she's just a judgmental b**ch. As a gay man who is now 50 I'm lucky that my parents had decided that religion wasn't their thing. I was raised an atheist and after looking at all the harm that religion does I am forever grateful about that. However, my mother was still super conservative socially. She was ok with the idea of gay and lesbian people but not with her unmarried child and their SO sleeping in the same bed in her house. She passed away well before I was able to marry my SO legally. If we could have married she would have been fine with us sleeping together in her home. How silly.

[Tybee]

We obviously do not know enough to know if she is "a judgmental bitch" as JP1 says, has dementia, is expressing her bizarre and Unchristian "Christian" beliefs, or is simply a powder-keg sh&t stirrer of a person.

Why not refuse to discuss anything with her, and take her out of the childcare equation, and let it be. You are not going to change her, and people do mean things to each other everyday; just protect the kid against her and avoid her, would be my solution, grandmother or no. Others may want to engage with her and avoid certain subjects. I would just wish her well and try to keep my peace, were I the son-in-law with the problem, or were I Zoe, mother of wife of son-in-law.

[Suzanne]

I disagree with your assessment. Many older people are really getting fed up with the state of this country. The traditional values that they hold very dear are being stripped away and they don't like it very much. Most will simply sit there, or complain to their friends over coffee and crochet, not many have the gumption to speak their mind in a hostile environment. Did it ever occur to anyone not to discuss controversial subjects or simply smile and say nothing?

Nobody is stripping away these old people’s rights. Their values are their own personal values, and nobody is stripping these away either. They can continue to be racist, homophobic, judaeochristian, anti-abortion, etc, etc. What they’re really upset about is that other people’s values also have societal weight.

I’ve noticed that it’s usually the mean people who raise the controversial subjects - and won’t let it go no matter what deflecting tactics are used.

I disagree strongly with smiling and saying nothing when subjected to verbal assault. That’s simply reinforcing the abuser’s position. It’s validating their behaviour and laying yourself open to repeat episodes, which will scale up as Grandma or other nasty person gains confidence that you will not stand up for yourself.

[Lainey]

Nobody is stripping away these old people’s rights. Their values are their own personal values, and nobody is stripping these away either. They can continue to be racist, homophobic, judaeochristian, anti-abortion, etc, etc. What they’re really upset about is that other people’s values also have societal weight.

I’ve noticed that it’s usually the mean people who raise the controversial subjects - and won’t let it go no matter what deflecting tactics are used.

I disagree strongly with smiling and saying nothing when subjected to verbal assault. That’s simply reinforcing the abuser’s position. It’s validating their behaviour and laying yourself open to repeat episodes, which will scale up as Grandma or other nasty person gains confidence that you will not stand up for yourself.

Amen, Suzanne.

[Zoe Girl]

Well my daughter and SIL immediately cut ties and are looking for childcare. His family says it is unfair to not let her see the baby, like accepting verbal abuse is the price you pay for not being Christian. His family has a fair amount of that kind of drama and relationship ups and downs.

My mom seems to have mostly ignored it, however she asked about the situation twice and has been confused both times. I am more concerned about her actually when you talk about dementia

[Tenngal]

I am sure I am "burning in hell" in my aunt's mind who unfriended me on FB over Trump.........of course she goes to the type of church where everyone is burning but them.

[JaneV2.0]

This makes me think of Ron Reagan's famous tagline "lifelong atheist, not afraid of burning in hell." My grandfather always said he'd rather go to hell than spend eternity with the overly pious.

[Zoe Girl]

Update on this situation: my SIL's mother has continued to say they owe it to grandma to send the baby over. She also said that she does not want grandbaby around any of those Buddhists! So I am openly Buddhist. My daughter felt bad about not saying anything to her, she was really in shock at the moment and didn't want to cause more conflict. As a result she decided to go over what she knows about Buddhism in order to be ready if she feels like defending it. We are having some nice conversations from this about what Buddhism is and is not.

His mom also said a swear word, and when they asked her to not because baby is learning to talk she went off on a rant about how she must hear worse, lots of swear words and of course being around drugs all the time. WTF! Apparently being Christian is the only barrier to swearing around babies and doing drugs. At least she lives in another state so contact is minimal.

[razz]

Aren't loving supportive families wonderful! Find something positive or even barely likeable about the aggravators, focus on that, protect the child from the drama and carry on with your life. The more emotional discussions about this, the more distress is caused. Detach, accept that others have different views with which you are not in agreement and don't give them power to affect you. Sometimes, I know that is hard to do.

I had an acquaintance who so badly wanted to be friends but she drained me at every contact. I was polite in declining contact but firm. I realized that we simply had very different boundaries. At her recent passing, I felt it necessary to review my thinking but have no regrets at protecting my space and peace of mind.
Don't be manipulated into giving time, thought and energy to someone who drains, abuses or tires you in case you might feel badly later nor let others try to control your right to choose.