still standing, improvement plan and all

[Zoe Girl]

Yeah, had that meeting today. I survived it! And I see a counselor tomorrow.

What was interesting was when A (my boss's boss) started to talk about how I had worked there 8 years and I should know my procedures, maybe my previous supervisor did not hold me to high standards. I replied that I did these processes right last year, and described how each provider had contracts, ICA's, invoicing, etc. done properly. I was able to then talk about how I realized about what time of year I started to struggle, that I had the same diagnoses that I have had for 8 years without a significant issue, however I could see now that I was not okay. I spoke briefly about the help I was seeking as well. The incident that sparked all this was having my training cancelled, and the snowball effect of triggered crap (including exhaustion and general stress).

So on one hand I really appreciated that A said that this was not typical of my work for the last 8 years. That means a lot, like someone noticed my hard work. However what was frustrating was that no one thought to just ask if I was okay. You can't often truly expect that, however I have been in pretty bad shape.

I have an improvement plan, I am okay with that. It is better than just a write up that is simply filed against possibly firing me. This way I can show EXACTLY what I am doing. My boss probably got a little of the sting from this as well. I had an opportunity to point out that I had been asking a question since October and just got the answer in March. It affects my pricing of programs. He was also told to get me an answer on my budget today, instead of me running around trying to find the answer myself. I have deadlines for programming and he has been giving me budget updates with the comment that he can't read them.

Now I can document every thing I do for the rest of the school year for this improvement plan, and hope to show ALL the work I am doing that he is barely aware of. With the counselor hopefully I can get to the bottom of my issues so I am not reacting to old issues or one belonging to another situation. And I really hope to sleep. The last 2 nights I have been waking up every 2 hours so agitated I have to get out of bed and walk around, maybe light some candles, play a video game and try very hard to get some more sleep. Brutal

[Tradd]

Thanks for the update. I’ve been wondering how it went today. Glad it was OK.

[sweetana3]

Sounds like the preparation (however brutal) resulted in communication going both ways. Way to go!!!

[rosarugosa]

I'm glad there was some good in the whole experience.

[Tybee]

Good job surviving a really unpleasant experience, and you are handling things so well!

[Chicken lady]

Zoe, you sound positive. I hope you get some rest and things turn around.

[dado potato]

I feel like celebrating. I am attaching a picture of my amaryllis, which I doctored a bit on the computer... sort of a virtual bouquet.
000_0225 (2).jpg

P.S. The stalk is 24" and the 4 blossoms fill an approximate circle 10" in diameter. The flower would not stand without support. One of the ways I doctored the image was to blot out the orange fiberglass stake that the stalk is attached to with a long green pipe cleaner. So for all appearances in the picture, the flower does not need support. But between you and me, it really does!

Want to see it undoctored?
000_0225.jpg

[Tenngal]

Glad for the positive outcome of your meeting ZG.

I have a leftover prescription of Ativan? which I can take for a couple of nights to make me sleep.

Really anything that would make you relax will do the job.

[Zoe Girl]

I did sleep last night, 7 hours I think with one wake up but no pacing. I didn't have my fit bit on at the time.

So I am still adjusting to the facts that after having such high hopes for my year it has been a disaster. I I went on a walk (have not exercised in at least a month) and had deep thoughts. My previous supervisor was put on an improvement plan starting the year, new director started at the beginning of last summer. What I can say about my previous supervisor was that she truly helped me creatively problem solve. She knew programming deeply. It is truly all about paperwork accountability this year. We are not f--ing accountants! They could replace all 47 of us with business types and very quickly it would be a disaster trying to just get through the day. That helps me no feel like a total failure, I am really good at collaborations, building community etc, I have excellent relationships at the school. And I stretch everything to get that done, not a good trait in an 'accountability culture' I am kinda stuck on that no one every asked if I was okay, our department culture does not do that and they didn't know my work over the last 8 years well enough.

So I have a really promising job to apply for. I also have a reference from a former employee of this organization and a 2 year significant collaboration with them. I am doing a half day so I should be able to do my resume and cover letter custom to it. Plus there are a LOT of teacher jobs.

[pinkytoe]

Glad it went OK. And glad you continue to look for something new.