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Thread: Communication! (Maybe)

  1. #1
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    Communication! (Maybe)

    Dh is an engineer.

    When I am working, I spread things out all around me in stacks and piles and arrangements that look very random to him. If I go away I leave them in place so that I can come back and begin working again. This drives him nuts.

    If he wants to use the space, or the space is bothering him, he gathers all my papers up in a neat pile and puts it somewhere. For years I have tried to explain to him that he has destroyed my “filing system” and caused me tons more work and frustration by doing that. I tell him that if he will just ask me, I will move everything to a different space, it will take a few more minutes, but it will save me hours. He doesn’t get it.


    Today, he started to move some things off the couch, and I said “STOP. Let me do that. It matters where you put them. The act of moving them matters.” Then I had a brainstorm - “think of this as a giant circuit board. When I look at a circuit board, it just looks like a collection of random little pieces and designs on a surface to me, but if I started pulling all the pieces off and wiping away the lines to clean the surface, I would destroy the circuit board, and even if all the pieces were collected neatly in a bag, they would no longer be functional and all the work would be undone and the person who built the circuit board would have to start over before he could use it for what it was for, right? My ‘mess’ is like my circuit board that records information and allows me to work on a problem.” And he said “oh.”

  2. #2
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    I hope it helps him see your system. But, as an engineer I am sure he "knows" his way is right.

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    Clever, valuable brainstorm. I hope he remembers it.

    I'm wishing you had a dedicated space to spread out your work

  4. #4
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    I'm an engineer, and I use Chickenlady's method for organizing. I'll put something near the door, so I have a visual reminder I need to do something, and he puts it away, assuming its just out of place. I've had to explain to him repeatedly that I remember things kinetically (I remember best if I visualize interacting with an item) as well as visually. I've learned to operate in the normal world with writing things down on a list, but I prefer to have a physical object to prompt me to buy new sneakers, return the library books, go to the bank. Anything that would be critical to forget is placed in my path to my car.

    I feel your agony CL about a roommate who just piles the stuff up! And I laughed at your analogy, as my husband is a retired hardware engineer who designed circuit boards, so he would totally get what you said.

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    Well, today I “dedicated” the space in front of the wood stove. It was a very good space. It has a braided rug with concentric circles, and a footstool, and a couch, and a chair that things can go under or on for organizational purposes, and the fire warms my back. I finished a lot of things, so most of it is cleaned up now.

  6. #6
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by herbgeek View Post
    I've learned to operate in the normal world with writing things down on a list, but I prefer to have a physical object to prompt me to buy new sneakers, return the library books, go to the bank. Anything that would be critical to forget is placed in my path to my car.
    I have been "accused"* of having an engineer's mindset though I was not one by trade. I keep a physical object around long enough to note what has to be done with it (empty TP core reminds me that I need to check the bathroom's stock; empty spice container reminds me I need to put paprika on the grocery list; etc.). I'm also OCdisciplined enough to put things (car keys, cooking thermometer, and so on) in the same places every time so I know where they are when I reach for them.

    I am, perhaps, fortunate that DW has an almost "anti-kinetic" relationship with objects. Items like her shoes, envelopes from mail addressed to her, and empty drinking glasses cease to be visible to DW as soon as she's no longer using them. Of course, the flip side of that is that DW really doesn't even notice that the spice container on the counter so it's not typically at risk of being "cleaned up". I have yet to find as eloquent an explanation of either method as CL did for her DH.


    * "Are you an engineer because you're that way or are you that way because you're an engineer?"
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  7. #7
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    Now that the kids are gone why not use one of their bedrooms for a office? My office is also the guest bedroom. That way you can lay stuff out and not have to risk having it disturbed. If my DH lays out stuff that is not in his space you can bet I am cleaning it up.

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    Because when they moved out for college, we knocked holes in the walls and put in nice big windows, then they got married, we put queen sized beds in their rooms, and there is now not room for a desk. (Pretty sure I mentioned this somewhere?)

    i had been looking forward to a craft room/office, but it is more important to me to be able to have my family here.

    dh deliberately planned the windows for maximum light (which is lovely) and minimum furniture (which is fine for a guest room, but not for an office/craftroom.

    so my stuff is still scattered/stashed where it has been and I unpack it all over various rooms to work on.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    I had forgotten about that. I only put a double bed in my guest room/office. It is a small room and there are times where I have stuff laid out on the bed. I hope I am not asking you again in a year

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    * "Are you an engineer because you're that way or are you that way because you're an engineer?"

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