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Thread: Mourning a “friendship”

  1. #1
    Senior Member Tradd's Avatar
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    Mourning a “friendship”

    Have there been times when a “friendship” has ended, you’re glad it did, but you still miss he person sometimes?

    There is a gal who was sort of a diving mentor to me. We dove together right after I got certified and then not until a year later, in October. She was very friendly, said she was proud of me for how much I had improved, but a few weeks later she unfriended me on FB and I don’t know why. She wouldn’t answer a text or email, so I let it drop.

    She lived several states away. Had a messed up personal life (found out she had an affair with a married guy which destroyed a group of diving friends). At one point said I was her only friend. However, she cancelled diving plans on me multiple times after I’d already gotten time off for a long weekend, hotel reservations, etc.

    But she was fun to talk to and darned informative about diving. Neither of us were good candidates for diving (fears, etc), but both kept at it. She’d been diving perhaps 2 years longer than me.

  2. #2
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    I hear you, I had one work friend who had a lot of drama. Her boyfriend/husband couldn't seem to keep a job, she had a lot of financial issues, and then her son was getting to be a challenge. In any case she had another site like mine and had lots of problems. Even though I felt she was not supported that well she also had things she really needed to improve on. In any case she was fired, and she unfriended all of us. I really don't think she spoke to anyone, Sometimes I think that when we do something that we don't feel great about it is natural to cut out a lot of people. I have been that person actually. Difficult still, not easy making friends as an adult.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    I worked with somebody for 25 years. Spent more time with her than anybody in my family. Also fired and unfriended everybody from work. Have tried to reach out and have been ghosted. I'm disappointed in the reason she got fired but felt 25 years meant more than a lapse in judgement. I miss her.

  4. #4
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Sometimes one needs to simply withdraw from outside commitments to focus on the most draining parts of one's life. When DH passed away, some friends were there in a gentle presence but gave me ample space for the five years, I needed. I doubt that I will ever have that degree of commitment with them again. We are both at a different place today and one cannot go back.

    A significant loss of whatever nature changes one. All the empathy in the world will not give you the understanding of what another is going through; it is totally unique to each individual. About 6 months after my DH's passing, I phoned a dear friend whose DH had died a year earlier and apologized for not being more understanding of what she had gone through. I just didn't know. She kindly replied that she knew how I felt at the moment because she had the same feeling when she better understood what others felt after an earlier death in their family. You just cannot know.

    What I do now is something that my mother taught me. "Give flowers to the living" - quietly express your joy and appreciation to those who are blessings in your life now. Give each the freedom to follow his/her life's journey.
    I do believe that when former friends come to mind, it is an opportunity for me to send them tender thoughts of love and support and they do feel it. I know that I feel these warm thoughts from others.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    "Give flowers to the living" -
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    .
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    This is going to be my thought for the day. Thank you, razz.

    I agree with ZG that with aging it usually is not as easy to make friends. I like the metaphor of the "social convoy"... A group of friends who met in their early 20s, when it was normal to hang out together. They formed their bonds easily. Then jobs and families, along with other adult obligations, took them in different directions. The convoy thinned out. A few friends may have stayed in close contact, but connections with others were severed... maybe not purposefully, but irrevocably.

    The composition of any person's social convoy can be represented by concentric circles. The closest and densest relationships are inside the inner ring (spouse, close family, close friends). Moving out from the inner to the outer ring, we come to work-mates, neighbors, casual friends. Most social network contacts are in the outer ring, but it can happen that some friends migrate from the outer to the inner ring.

    Through the life cycle the social convoy moves, with an intermittent (or continual) giving and receiving of social support, which can be analyzed as transactions of "affect, affirmation and aid".

    Aging usually brings departures from both the inner and the outer ring. I suppose it is a bit like owning and operating a fitness center. Every year some members quit coming to the gym or move away. That would be an existential problem, unless there are also some new members joining. Mind you, I believe that friends, especially those in the inner ring, are irreplaceable. If I have a "vacancy" in there, I can only make a space for another person. It would be a new space, for that person... which would be different from filling a vacancy with a replacement.

    The social convoy model was inspired by C. W. McCall's song, believe it or not!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVh179oXFao
    Last edited by dado potato; 3-19-18 at 6:39pm.

  6. #6
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    I probably offended people when I decided I did not have time for Facebook and unfriended everyone, but I was not upset with them.

  7. #7
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    Loss of relationships can be painful, including friendships and even when it is the right thing. Friendships break ups can be a specially painful as we don't have the same rituals around those relationships ending in the same way we do about romantic relationships, changing in parenting relationships as children go out on their own, etc. Sorry for your loss and I think it speaks to the value of the friendship that you are missing it. Take care.

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