I am feeling better in so many ways compared to the winter when I really tanked out mental health wise. I have had a couple people notice that I look much better, and a friend on the phone yesterday who noted I have changed over the last couple months. Maybe I am doing better
Still, I really am in a vulnerable, wobbly state. I still have this underlying feeling if people really knew what I do they would not support me. And I am seeing how many ways I want to hurt or punish myself. I cannot quite figure out if this is just the very painful way of getting through something I have been acting out for years, or if I am actually doing worse. But I also know that one more blow could just push me over right now, worse than January
I saw my old supervisor yesterday for tea, and we talked about the state of the department. She is having a hard time and trying to leave (after 17 years and a lot of respect). She told me some stories that made me very mad, and she is also using the counseling service (she said I get 10 sessions! not just 5, I am calling tomorrow). I told her about the things that happened to my breakdown, and in general how it was. I could see tears on the edge of her eyes. That idea that yoyu need to totally hit bottom to renew may be true but it sucks.