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Thread: woah, this is super hard

  1. #1
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    woah, this is super hard

    I am finding this move so hard. My biggest down size I had a boyfriend and he just took great care of me and things. I also had 2 of my kids and their friends. Right now I have very little in the way of practical support. My kids are taking care of themselves, and that is enough besides some minimal help. I don't have 'moving friends'. I need to hire someone to help with a couple big things, but I am running out of space in storage even if I want to move things there. It is hitting me, and it isn't much by choice. My finances and work situation are pushing this as well.

    I really like the lady I am going to live with, but there is some impact from her not really looking for a roommate. So I feel overall there will be less space based on our talks. However the basement has no furniture so I can move the couch I have down there, if I get a mover person. My mom talked to me about keeping some things and I think I am going to have to say no, and post a lot on next door today. This includes a great desk and even my kitchen table. It is from Ikea and I could replace it when I need to. I saw a furniture pick up and donate service that I could also use.

    Letting go of the role of 'mom you can come home to' is hard. I am not keeping things the kids can't take right now. I won't have the extra stuff when they may be ready for it, I am not even sure what this is about. Just that we don't have that home town or home that has been in the family forever, and it feels weird.

  2. #2
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    You may end up being the minimalist adventurous mom that goes and visits at the kid's homes. There are a lot of women out in the world that wish they could try something new but life choices hold them back. Some live with it gracefully, some become bitter, some are so angry it affects their health.

  3. #3
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    I can see where that would be diffcult. On the plus side, this saves you from being the repository for all the stuff your kids don't really want but can't quite get rid of. I know we have some moms here on the Forum with bins full of their kids' stuff in the basement or the attic.

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    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rosarugosa View Post
    I know we have some moms here on the Forum with bins full of their kids' stuff in the basement or the attic.
    DW was one of those until about a year ago when DD and DSiL moved into their new house. At that time we told them they now had plenty of room to store anything we were holding that they thought they might want now that they were (as far as anyone knows) situated permanently. In fact, they have about twice the square footage we do. So if they (and their young friends) were not inclined to move it, we were no longer inclined to keep it.

    ZG, you raised your kids to be independent adults. As long as all of you are around, there will be a place where you can get together. But lots of parents cannot offer storage services or an empty room to their kids. It doesn't mean they care for them any less. It may be hard right now, but this is a bigger change in your life and you can take the opportunity to free yourself of the expectation of always having a nest your kids can inhabit. They just might be better off for not having that escape valve, too.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  5. #5
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    Thanks all, I am feeling better as I am actually getting things moved. I posted some free things, a nice guy picked up an antique look radio and took the desk to goodwill for me too! My son is taking the ironing board, I am tossing my old iron. My oldest is taking one dresser, and I offered her the bed but she doesn't have room.

    I usually have to feel deeply the worst feelings, express them, and then there is some openness to moving on.

    BTW I had a facilitator group call with a group of Buddhist facilitators including my teacher. We all shared where we were at this morning and I got such lovely feedback from them about how I am sitting with this change and not knowing anything about where I will be in 6 months. It is such an amazing group to practice with.

  6. #6
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    There will be ups and downs along the way. I see that people are sending supportive thoughts and feelings your way, plus you have your innate resilience to work with.

    Consider the Badger. It has great claws for digging and tunneling underground, but useless for backing up. So the Badger has a motto: Forward!

  7. #7
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rosarugosa View Post
    I know we have some moms here on the Forum with bins full of their kids' stuff in the basement or the attic.
    C'est moi.

    It's horrible. One of the things I'm enjoying about my coming up here to this little house is I have physically left that stuff behind. I have a feeling that living in this new "minimalist" way will go a long way to motivating me to just dump that crap when I get back. The kids are actually telling me to get rid of it, so not sure what's holding me back, except laziness.

    And I also like that I "curated" this house with only a few things I love. I'm no less happy than I was back in NJ with all kinds of stuff I'm holding onto--in fact I'm far happier.

    At the same time, I realize that rooming with someone in their home and having very little personal space has got to be a huge transition and very difficult. Especially letting go of the "mom to come home to" thing. This doesn't have to be permanent. Look at it as a step in your journey--a step that will give you a freedom from that for the time being. Take a break from being the physical support for your kids. You'll always be the emotional support, and that's the important part.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    We have four sets of friends selling their house, getting rid of 30 years of crap from houses that range 2,000 -4,500sq feet. Everyone is having estate sales. I am going to one next week to cherry pick leftovers from the sale to grab for our Park Conservancy booth. Our neighborhood hosts antique dwellers once a year at an outdoor antiques fair, and we help with this fundraiser for our neighborhood park.

    So, our garage will have stuff in it for the next several weeks and DH will not be able to park his truck there. Thats ok.

    DH and I heard of a china cabinet/ hutch in the alley. We drove there, looked at it and decided to come back for it, picked up a deskneaeby, drove that home and stopped for 15 minutes to look at our friend’s estate sale.

    By the time we got back to that china hutch, it was gone! I was secretly glad that someone else grabbed it because I didnt want to wrestle the damn thing around, and it is out of the landfill, so yay!
    Last edited by iris lilies; 5-18-18 at 8:52am.

  9. #9
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    Hey major positive move today, a new neighbor just moved from Israel with only a duffel bag. He came over to borrow a can opener and ended up with a dining set, a hide a bed couch and coffee table for free. Honestly no one was buying them anyway. And i feel super great about a young man getting furniture this way. I beleive the universe will have a couch and dining set when i need one again.

    My son is helping out today with my chest of clothing and tomorrow i will get a rental truck for my bed, chair and loveseat. That is it for any furniture.

    Meanwhile today i realize i have nowhere to sit!

  10. #10
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    That was so nice of you!

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