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Thread: Dh and retirement

  1. #21
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    I willingly retired at 55 and was looking forward to the house to myself for about 10 years. DH didn't want to retire until at least 65 and was very happy with his work. I worked afternoons for years and had been used to having the house to myself until noon and was looking forward to squeaking 6 more hours into my alone time. His stroke 6 months after I retired changed everything. I'm not sure how his retirement would have looked had he gone to 65 and we had years to talk about it and stake our claims on time increments, house portions or the remotes. As it happened we were thrown together and for the longest time I was afraid to leave him alone. He had a rough year medically and it is still surprising that he is here at all. It changed our relationship entirely.
    All his work friends fell to the wayside. I pretty much became wife/best friend. He really couldn't go anywhere for almost a year due to vertigo. I am also an introvert that needs alone time to recharge.... not happenin in this scenario. We have a few programs we watch together but other than that we do not enjoy the same programing on TV or even music for that matter. He doesn't read and I'm a book worm. We are opposites in almost everything.
    It has taken a huge amount of adjustment but we now have a closer partnership than when we were first married. Kids are grown and gone, it is just us and the dog. We spend a lot of time together in outside activities and our volunteer work. I don't feel guilty taking off to spend time with friends. I don't feel guilty shutting the door for hours to work on personal projects. I write the menu and he does the shopping and cooking. Now that he has had so much improvement we are back to traveling and I'm writing this from a lovely room in Charleston! It is comfortable and we constantly communicate to make sure we are staying on track for both our couple needs and our individual needs.

  2. #22
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    When I retired I thought I would have the house to myself for 5 years. As the old saying goes:"Man plans and God laughs." He got laid off 2 weeks later and we were together all the time at home. We bought 2 big TV's and have a understanding that at 5 pm the one in the living room is mine. I like quiet whereas he likes noise. If he is home there is always a TV or radio going( If I want to read in the evening he has to watch TV in the bedroom. We each have our own office space. We have joint events and do things separately too. 6 years later we have worked it out. I do love having a partner to do things with but need my alone time too. I would really miss that if I were alone. If someone was following me around the house all the time I would strangle him) I would insist he talk about it now since he could shorten the timeline again. His retiring has nothing to do with when you retire. I go to bed earlier then DH so when I go to bed he moves to living room to watch TV. If he is intent on watching something he recorded I can also sleep in our guest room. You will work it out.

  3. #23
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    Lol, iris lilies, I feel like we just built a second house on the back of the first one!

  4. #24
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    There are several women in my office who hate their jobs - and annoy many of their coworkers with their negativity - but won't retire because they don't want to be around their husbands all day long. They have various ailments such as severe arthritis that make it hard to work. I am so glad I got divorced from the man I didn't get along with, and if I do get involved with anyone again how easygoing he is will be the #1 thing I look at.

    In my last relationship we got along well before other issues ended things. I was happy being around him all the time, including 24/7 on vacations for 5 weeks each year. And I am an introvert too. This is the model I grew up with, not that my parents are joined at the hip, but they are never away from each other overnight or even for any appreciable amount of time during the day. So it has been a revelation to me to see these women at work who so dislike their husbands' company. One of the husbands you can tell is lonely and comes to hang around his wife at the office sometimes. It strikes me as sad. I wonder if there are also men who avoid retirement because they don't like their wives' company.

  5. #25
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    I love dh company, I just don’t love the idea of him running every minute of my life. When he is home, I tend to plan everything around him. Although, maybe if he was always home, I would stop doing that.

    also, if he was home all day and I was not, my messes would annoy him more and he would move my stuff and mess up my systems.

  6. #26
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    There are several women in my office who hate their jobs - and annoy many of their coworkers with their negativity - but won't retire because they don't want to be around their husbands all day long. They have various ailments such as severe arthritis that make it hard to work. I am so glad I got divorced from the man I didn't get along with, and if I do get involved with anyone again how easygoing he is will be the #1 thing I look at.

    In my last relationship we got along well before other issues ended things. I was happy being around him all the time, including 24/7 on vacations for 5 weeks each year. And I am an introvert too. This is the model I grew up with, not that my parents are joined at the hip, but they are never away from each other overnight or even for any appreciable amount of time during the day. So it has been a revelation to me to see these women at work who so dislike their husbands' company. One of the husbands you can tell is lonely and comes to hang around his wife at the office sometimes. It strikes me as sad. I wonder if there are also men who avoid retirement because they don't like their wives' company.
    I remember hearing someone say this about marriage when I was kid.

    "The secret to a happy marriage is: yardwork, yardwork, yardwork."

    The implication was that if you spend enough time out there working in the yard you can avoid interacting with your wife.

    I am observing certain changes in the relationships of some of my colleagues. It is like they are in a certain "stage" they "have to" go through. When they were in their 20s they were in college, dating, having fun, and getting a good foothold on their careers. They got married during the 28-33 age range, popped out some kids, and started really cranking away on their career too.

    Now their entire bandwidth is used up on grinding away at work and taking care of their kids. They look at their husbands like money-earning workhorses, not even as roommates.

    Here are some quotes from one of my colleagues that illustrate this:
    "A man without a job is dead weight."
    "I told my husband that after working and taking care of the kids I simply don't have time for him."
    “I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  7. #27
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    Chicken lady - how about divide up all those bedrooms? An office for each of you and a bedroom for each of you. You make plans when you both agree to spend mtime together, like back when you were dating.

    I always thought the perfect arrangement would be two 1 bedroom apartments, side by side. One for each of us.

    Dating is so perfect. Privacy with planned togetherness.

  8. #28
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    My mother made a comment when she was here that she doesn’t understand these couples going on separate vacations (dil is going on a service mission to Nepal this summer, dil is going to Germany with his cousin) and I said “what do you mean? You and dad did it all the time! He went to Yellowstone, and Alaska, and Canada, and Florida, and every summer he went to Montana.” And my mom said “but I never went anywhere.” And I said “no, you stayed home and had a vacation from dad. I bet the best ones were the summers when I was at camp while he was gone and it was just you and [brother]” she was offended and insisted she missed us. I stand my ground though. I bet a few weeks with just my brother (who is her favorite, and I don’t resent it) was the only peace she got for years.

    UL, i’d say humor, understanding, and good sex.

  9. #29
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    I was afraid when my hubby retired since it was a forced retirement. It took a little while but he found a volunteer job with three different groups and is out of the house almost every day in the summer and many days the rest of the year. It gives him a social outlet with others, a physical outlet which keeps him out of his recliner and makes him feel good helping others.

    We have always had interests and jobs that required some travel apart and so it became ordinary. I go away several weeks every year and he had gone on a couple of Habitat builds in other states. Doing things apart gives us something to talk about. He has now said he prefers staying home which is fine but it does not mean I have to stay home.

  10. #30
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy View Post
    Chicken lady - how about divide up all those bedrooms? An office for each of you and a bedroom for each of you. You make plans when you both agree to spend mtime together, like back when you were dating.

    I always thought the perfect arrangement would be two 1 bedroom apartments, side by side. One for each of us.

    Dating is so perfect. Privacy with planned togetherness.
    I agree; separate dwellings are the only way to go. We used to talk about buying a duplex, which would have been perfect. It's good that you have several years to ease into a companionable retirement.

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