Originally Posted by Williamsmith
Your empathy meter is going in and out unreliably. Should get that thang checked.
Your empathy meter is going in and out unreliably. Should get that thang checked.
I had a situation before I learned that with a difficult person who kept me while she was talking for so long I almost fainted. I was pregnant and was always needing to eat and she was just NOT getting it. Her roommate finally stepped in and helped me just leave. I can't even remember why I was at her apartment but I never interacted with her again. I consider myself good at deflecting and sometimes I basically need to get rude, but the people like that tend to get used to people being rude to them.
As an empathic person myself, I have learned the benefits of keeping it under control because definitely, there are a lot of people out there who aren't as empathic as I am. They even consider it weird sometimes, but I don't think we'd have to take it away altogether. Empathic people have the ability to see through others the way they haven't been seen before and in this world that may sometimes seem to have grown cold about love, we are what the world needs. And I guess that's very beautiful.
There are some people who can produce marathon talk sessions. You just have to talk over them saying “goodby, gotta go now” and then turn heel and leave, always with a smile plastered on your face. It is the same skill on the phone when salespeople call.
I do it at least 3 times daily. When they start yakking at me in a call I talk over them and say “thank you, not interested” and hang up.
Something to keep in mind for those timid about interrupting the yakkers is that THEY are being rude by ignoring social cues for conversational exchange. Polite people engage in an exchange, not a monopoly.
DH is 63 years old and only this year learned to get rid of phone salesman. It used to make me mad that he would actually stand withh the phone on his ear for minutes at a time, listening to the sales pitch, and then he would,say no, I am not interested in a weak voice, and contnue to say that, waiting for them to get off the line.
He disnt GeT IT that they will NEVER get off the line.
I blew my stack when one time he told the sales caller “call back this afyernoon” because guess who was home this afternoon? Me. And he wasnt. He simply could not summon the moxie to tell them “no, goodbye.”
But he has finally leadned that and now dispatches the sales calls quickly.
I just hang up on sales calls.
My SO, who would entertain the Devil himself, actually used to engage with telemarketers. I don't even answer the phone, personally. I turned the ringer off on my land line, and block random callers with abandon on my cell. People who are in sales don't want their time wasted, and neither do I.
I'm an empath---to the point of detriment on occasion, mentally. It seems like I've grown moreso as I get older. I let things bother me and I have been interested in what some of you have said about self-care. So far, I've only noticed the passing of time that really helps me get over things.
Last month, my neighbor guy across the street was killed on his motorcycle. He was 30-ish. His little girl's birthday sign was in their front window for 2 weeks and it just killed me. (His SO is staying with her parents). When I saw his mother (whom I had never met before) over at the house cleaning I went to her to offer sympathy and help if needed and we both cried. I was not close to the neighbor; we were casual acquaintances, friendly, he'd watch my porch for deliveries when I wasn't home at Christmas, etc., we'd make chitchat. It just seemed so awful, and my heart went out to his mom.
This week we've had a spate of nasty vandalism in a bathroom here at my work---turns out it was a high school kid here on a theater camp. I mean, this was gross, intentional, sick stuff. I felt horrible for the janitor who had to clean it up (gave him a gift card), and for the boy and his parents-- There are some real issues there to deal with. My stomach was literally sick for 2 days over this.
I wish I didn't react so intensely.
Now, sales calls I have no problem with---Before I hang up I tell them in no uncertain terms, "Remove me from your list right now!" I block numbers, too.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!
Interesting thread.
Is it empathy if I am totally exhausted after a long day of interacting with those who need a lot of emotional support. I have learned to set strict boundaries for those who suck the life out of me. Give them an inch of attention and they will gobble one up. But is that empathy?
As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
Could be razz, definitely introverted. Sometimes people are drawn to those with empathy to naturally share everything and it takes some skills to get out of that. I think I have changed a lot because i wil still get people sharing with me but not much overwhelming situations.i can still show deep empathy when i am not overwhelmed. It really is a life practice to get to these boundaries sometimes.
I was reading some things that are positive about my mental diagnoses and it said that deep empathy is one thing. When you struggle you can become deeply empathetic, or crappy.
I love the way you put that. I know that we can automatically be threatening to some people. I realize that in the situation/boss I am leaving. It was pretty early in working together that he really reacted badly to me. I also found that I could not 'read' him, threw me off badly. I rely on that a lot, over the course of a school year I got a few tidbits but not enough. Next time I am around someone I cannot read I am gong to treat them like a cornered animal honestly. There is a something deeply damaged that they often don't know about themselves. I also want to avoid people who are not authentic, I read an article that validates that it is literally painful to be around.
The seeing who people really are underneath can be such a gift, I use it with kids and parents. It takes some leaving ego behind to put aside our first impressions and our personal feelings to open up to what else is going on. It has in the vast majority of cases improved my relationships overall, including with former supervisors.
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