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Thread: "trust does not matter"

  1. #1
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    "trust does not matter"

    That is my classic quote from today's check in with my supervisor. I needed to take 2 doses of anxiety medication (1/4 pill of mild stuff) to get through and did go to my car at the end and burst into tears for a moment.

    Basically I had to have a conversation with a staff and they were not being offered summer hours because they were late to the interview. I asked him to actually have the conversation because I did not do the interview and I am not running a summer program. I offered 2 times she could meet. Meanwhile I still had the conversation with her because I did not want to leave her hanging, and I told him I had. Then I got a long email stating that I needed to talk to her, follow up by a certain date, etc. I had taken time off to move and so I did everything but was waiting on feedback on how to send a better email. We spent most of our hour long meeting on my responsibility for this. I asked at one point if he believed I even had the conversation because I didn't send the correct follow up, and his response was that trust does not matter. I asked again if he felt I had been lying, and again he said that did not matter. He did not have the date, time, personal invitation, follow up email, etc. delivered while I was taking some time off, therefore it is going to count against me. It wasn't that I was denying it, I simply had this as one task on a list of 20 that I had done correctly during a week when I took personal time off that could not be avoided due to personal emergency (moving became an emergency when I got sick the week before). What is notable is that in one case I pointed out that I had done several things on his list however he said it didn't count because I had done them BEFORE he sent the email (following best practices, duh) Still it was probably half of our meeting on this.


    Then at the end he asked how we were doing on this plan. I was honest, I said we had a lot of conflict this year, I was concerned about summer and next year because our communication is so poor. I added that I was open to working on it and did not have my mind made up about what comes next. I mentioned my work outside of the department on conflict training. He said that he had not seen any of my training in practice, that I had not brought any of the skills to work or shown any impact. He was expecting me to practice mindfulness but I was not. Argh, I stopped several times in our meeting to repeat what he had said and ask if I understood him, asked if there was a specific way I could show that I was taking responsibility, etc. I do this in other phone calls and interactions. Unfortunately without a facilitator in the room sometimes conflict resolution is not that effective with power imbalances. It was really difficult, and next week I start looking for a job in earnest again.

  2. #2
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    That is truly terrible! What an asshat. I would really double down on the job hunt while you stiil have some sanity left. Talk about a hostile work environment.

  3. #3
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    Thank you TT,

    My one bright spot of light is that he mentioned we would be working together next year (if nothing changes that is true) but also said 'if he had a job'. Hmmm, this is 'norming' week when we do all the reviews at all levels.

  4. #4
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    Hopefully, he will lose his job. He sucks at it. Plus working for him would be so demoralizing. It has to take a big toll on your self-esteem.

  5. #5
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    I am having a hard time engaging in work honestly. It is difficult to do the things I constantly get dinged for. It is hard enough to tell a staff of 11 years that she does not get to work summer at all without being nit picked about the follow up. I can't seem to get the follow up and tracking of accountability correct no matter what I do.

    Meanwhile I am getting more excited about summer, it is a very confident part of the year for me with many positive connections.

  6. #6
    Senior Member jp1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    Hopefully, he will lose his job. He sucks at it. Plus working for him would be so demoralizing. It has to take a big toll on your self-esteem.
    +1.

    This clown reminds me of a boss I had 25 years ago. It was a constantly frustrating experience. For example, if we were having a busy period she'd get all upset when I told her that either I or someone on my staff needed overtime to get everything processed. And if she said no to the overtime she'd get upset that everything wasn't getting done. Knowing what I know now I'm sorry I didn't track all my unpaid overtime so that I could file a labor complaint after I left.

  7. #7
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    If possible, get out from under this supervisor. It bears repeating: you need to keep searching until you find satisfying employment.

    This supervisor has an evasive quality in his communication, which may be a hallmark of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. No way am I saying I can diagnose this individual, or play doctor about his "narcissistic injury" and "narcissistic rage".

    However, I would recommend reading an article from the Harvard Business Review:
    http://hbr.org/2016/04/how-to-work-f...cissistic-boss

  8. #8
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Yeah, definitely keep up your job search.

    dado, good, useful article. Even if ZGs boss is not a narcissist, he sounds like he has many of the attributes of one.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  9. #9
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    Thank you all, the validation is really something that keeps me going!!. I felt ill again today and it is difficult to get going. So I am focusing on more routine data tasks that do need to get done right now. I also realized he is in his all-day training today so that is good. I recall feeling physically lighter and better when I knew my ex-husband was out of town, and I have to recall that I survived that! I am working on gratitude, honestly every time I see someone my age working at 7-11 or Target I remember that could be me. Also passing on some positive every chance I get, it helps me as well.

    I am disappointed because I have my check out meeting with the principal of my school tomorrow and he was supposed to be there but had to cancel. I was hoping that this meeting was going to put a positive spin on the end of the year. Also we make agreements for the following year which I am not authorized to do. I am expecting him to send a list of questions and topics we should cover at the meeting which will help, but I know that both the principal and I have big 'asks' of each other for next year. It affects the trust I have in him when he is not here when I honestly need his support.

  10. #10
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    I do not think he is capable of supporting you. He is worried about his own job and seems to think if he criticizes subordinates that deflects attention from him. But it shows what a poor manager he is. I had a boss once who said, "Of course I'm going to give everyone good reviews, because if my people suck what sort of manager am I?" But this guy doesn't get that.

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