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Thread: Female friend's boyfriend turns out to be gay

  1. #1
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Female friend's boyfriend turns out to be gay

    I feel like I am in the studio audience of a daytime talk show.

    A good friend of mine who I've known since college met a guy several months ago. And at first things seemed really great!

    -They both love the Indians, the Cavs, and the Browns (who knows why?).
    -He has a good job and makes good money as some kind of statistician
    -He does not want kids (and neither does she!)
    -He owns no pets (she is allergic)
    -The dude has a reliable, sensible car and owns a condo
    -This guy shares her liberal politics and her feminist views
    -They both love to travel internationally
    -He took her out on real dates
    -He gradually introduced her to his friends (no stashing!) and his friends loved her and she thought his friends were great!

    Anyway, I could go on.

    But then when things got...uh...romantic... things did not apparently go...uh... romantic.

    Turns out he is gay and in the closet. And now my friend might be having a breakdown of some kind...

    What do I tell her? I mean, I did not even think men were still doing this!

    I mean, I remember in graduate school down in Bama back in the late 2000s I saw a few couples still like this (oblivious woman and closeted gay man). But I thought: "This is the Heart of Dixie, maybe they did not broadcast Will & Grace down here..."
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

  2. #2
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    I know a woman who married a gay man. He did not tell her until after the wedding. A divorce followed. Tell her your friend she is lucky she found out now.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    I know a woman who married a gay man. He did not tell her until after the wedding. A divorce followed. Tell her your friend she is lucky she found out now.
    How did it get all the way to a wedding? I can tell if a man is gay in less than two minutes of interacting with him.
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand." -- Rodney Dangerfield

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    Christian college where premarital sex was prohibited, as was homosexuality.

  5. #5
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    Secrets and lies. It is hard but so much better that it is out in the open.

  6. #6
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    What do I tell her? I mean, I did not even think men were still doing this!
    He may be gay; he may be bisexual; he may be asexual; he may not be sure of any of it. Maybe he thought that being attracted to a woman on more than just a physical level would tell him if he was at all romantically interested in women. At least they didn't get to a serious state of public commitment before he told his truth.

    What do you tell her? If you introduced the two of them, maybe that would be something else. But, if you didn't, what would you tell her if, after several months, the relationship ended because the boyfriend was already married or she discovered a white robe and pointy-topped mask in his closet? You probably would say you're sorry that this is painful for her and that what he is isn't her fault (could she have known?) and that you'll listen if she wants to talk about it.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  7. #7
    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    He may be gay; he may be bisexual; he may be asexual; he may not be sure of any of it. Maybe he thought that being attracted to a woman on more than just a physical level would tell him if he was at all romantically interested in women.
    Bingo - the opportunities for confusion, uncertainty, and unclear communication are abundant.

    My mother and father were best friends in high school. Got married right after graduation. Had two kids. Married 16 years or so before they divorced. Dad is gay. He didn't think he was gay to start out with, he just thought he was evil/cursed/doomed-to-hell, and was trying to work through that. Moving out of small town Ohio to California was probably the best thing that happened to my parents.

    My wife's father was married to her mother for ~25 years. They went into the marriage knowing he was 99% gay.

    Most people aren't 100% gay or straight, by my understanding. However, they may have trouble dealing with this fact on a variety of levels.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    One of my friends from work (a police officer) was married and they had a child. The child was killed when his bike was hit by a car. It devastated both of them and the marriage began to crumble. After they split he came out as gay. I don't know if she ever knew beforehand but we never did and believe me, this set off a ripple in the department. He lost some very close friends who felt betrayed and uncomfortable. I always wondered if the death put everything into perspective for him and he decided to live the rest of his life with integrity inside and out.

  9. #9
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    Shopping for a wingwoman?

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