Tybee, I have been taking your questions seriously. So, dh has been home a little more and I have been talking with him a lot. “Wasting time” is when I sort of fall into default mode or inertia and do things that are not beneficial to me. It’s not so much the activity - for example, watching silly cat videos because I am tired and need a brain shift is fine. Watching silly cat videos for two hours because I don’t have the sense to turn them off is not fine. There is a point at which rest becomes lack of exercise.... sweeping is a waste of time if the floor hasn’t gotten dirty enough to bother anyone. Eating one chocolate is fine. Mindlessly eating an entire bag of chocolate is bad for me.

not wasting time is engaging in activities that benefit me, even if only with a sense of satisfaction, pleasure, or pride.

dh and I have been talking also about my list and the freezing. He says for him, he often just wants to not do anything, but he feels like I want to do so many things that if freeze up and feel guilty. I told him it’s more that i feel frustrated. I feel guilty about things like laundry and dishes, and food, and unfinished tasks that create problems (or even annoyances) for other people, and then I tend to expend my energy on those things and then I get too tired or overwhelmed for other things.

The freezing up is definitely a big one. Also beginnings and transitions. We have talked a little about how he can help me. I do better during the school year in some ways because I have specific times for(and) specific tasks. He offered to make a daily schedule with me, but I think that is too inflexible.

i am exploring the idea of having him “give” me household tasks - like “do the dishes in the sink and wash jeans” or “make dinner” or “clean bathrooms - but don’t spend more than an hour on it. Start with the shower” (Because I will get started and not feel “done” until every towel is clean and folded and the laundry basket is empty and the toiletries and medications have been purged and organized and the baseboards have been detailed with an old toothbrush. And I will run out of time. - and then I will say, and mean, “I spent all day cleaning the bathroom and you can’t even tell.”) the point being that after I finish whatever the task for the day is, or it’s allotted time, everything else is only allowed if it is really bothering or interesting ME - so I can go ahead and dust the bookshelf if it will give me a sense of satisfaction, or run the dishwasher if I need a clean milk bucket, but that type of thing is not to take priority over going for a walk or playing in my studio, or rearranging my button box if that’s what I feel like doing. And if the thing that I feel like doing results in a giant mess, it’s ok, and if it is bothering him, he will ask me to work on it tomorrow.

he also offered to choose a hobby or activity for me if I get frozen. - “card wool” or “throw pots” or “go to the library” so that even if I don’t feel like doing that thing, I at least have a direction to start moving, and then I can change to something else if I want, but I don’t sit frozen and overwhelmed.

having him do that isn’t about him being the boss of me or anything like that, it’s about, as he put it, me “setting rediculously high expectations and feeling like I should be judged by some unrealistic standard.” And him wanting to provide a more reasonable metric by which I can say “my day was productive and successful because I did <this>” all needs have been met, wants happened also.