The depression got really bad this week. Last night dh came home from work, made me get out of bed and take a shower - as in actually pulled me by the hand and undressed me, watched me eat some healthy food, and took me out for a drive for some fresh air. I spent a lot of it crying.

i slept ten hours.

i’m doing better today. In part because I have worked really hard at not setting any goals for the day.

this morning, when I got up and looked at the mess of dishes in my house, the voice in my head started to tell me the story that starts with “this place is a disaster” and ends with “I am a failure as a human being.” And I stopped it. I said “no, new story. Dh and Dd have had mostly home cooked meals all week and they have done basically no dishwashing, so of course this place is a mess. I’m going to clear a space so I can do the milking, and then while the milk is filtering, i’ll help them out and run a load of dishes.” So I did that.

then when dh got home, he saw that I was “better” and suggested that in the interest of improving HIS mental health, I clear up the mess on the kitchen so he could fix some lunch. I got angry. Unsatisfactory but temporarily functional resolution. I need to work on communicating with him.

as far as “to do”s, I have done the things that are critical - like feeding the livestock. Also, heartdaughter sent me the address for heartgrandson at camp next week, and I thought “I will just write him a letter now and get it in the mail.” So I did that without making it a list thing.

and this afternoon Dd was making party favors and I gathered up the materials for her and then sat down and joined her.

she is having a joint graduation celebration with her best friend. The other family is hosting. Dd went over this morning to help mow and set up tables. She also did the shopping. I helped make the party favors and dh and I are paying for half the food and we got a photo cake. I also put together props for the “photo booth” over a month ago. I need to tell myself, and believe, that that is perfectly fine.

my mother did parties like Martha Stewart meets Disneyland. Alternately, my father planned to not be home. I am a perfectly good parent.