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Thread: The anniversary party, or, am I nuts?

  1. #11
    Yppej
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    It could be worse. My aunt is trying to force my parents to go on a cruise for my dad's eightieth birthday. Neither of them wants to go.

  2. #12
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    It could be worse. My aunt is trying to force my parents to go on a cruise for my dad's eightieth birthday. Neither of them wants to go.
    Ouch, that would be a long haul obligation indeed. I will bet that the aunt isnt even paying.

  3. #13
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Perhaps, mine is a unique view but I want to see joy expressed. If another chooses not to participate, so be it. Your mother wants to give you a gift. It was triggered by your anniversary but it could be anything or everything. If your partner has no interest, don't let that take away your joy and your mother's joy in sharing a special time.

    I recently watched a play based on the book Tuesdays with Morrie. This retired teacher, Morrie, nearing the end of his life, had had a special bond with a former student who now visited every Tuesday until the teacher's passing. One comment that really resonated with me was the Morrie's decision to hold his own wake and enjoy it. He had earlier attended the somber wake of a professional peer who received many accolades/flowers from others but only after death. Morrie wanted to enjoy the occasion of the social gathering when still alive. He did it and loved the result. I came away from that play realizing that I controlled my joy, the occasions, if and when they happened and who was invited.
    Frugalone, what activity would give you joy to do? Have a party or dinner or whatever and enjoy. Let your mother give you the gift.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

  4. #14
    Yppej
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    Ouch, that would be a long haul obligation indeed. I will bet that the aunt isnt even paying.
    She is offering to pay.

  5. #15
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    She is offering to pay.
    Woah!
    But even then, a typical ocean cruise, ick.
    would she pay for a vavation of your dad’s choosing, and would he choose? Or is No Travel just his thing?

  6. #16
    Yppej
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    He might do a non-cruise. My mom does not travel at all.

  7. #17
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalone
    THEN spouse says these things: 1) How come he's "giving me what I want and I'm still not happy"
    DH clearly does not want the big "do". Maybe he does usually "come around" and is okay for such celebrations. But he will be half of front-and-center this time and he just may not be able to work up more enthusiasm than this (at this time or ever). tbh going by your post you don't seem very excited either ("This party has been "dumbed down" from what I wanted it to be in the first place (which was a total fantasy, BTW) and I'm not sure I see the point in celebrating three months after the actual date.").

    Quote Originally Posted by frugalone
    2) why hasn't Mom talked to him directly about it? and
    Because she's your mother? I'll grant I've only had the experience of two marriages and some hearsay from married friends, but I find this communication mode entirely normal. Now, if the last thing DH would ever want to do in the world is to appear at an event like this, then you as the contact should be bringing that news to Mom to represent your spouse and to preserve her energy. If Mom wants to "negotiate" directly with DH at that point, that's fine. It's a gift; technically Mom didn't need any input at all to give it, though it could be a big flame-out if she guessed wrong. It's good that she's at least consulting you about the gift.

    Quote Originally Posted by frugalone
    3) If Mom wants to give a gift, why doesn't she just do something for me? In fact, maybe he will call her up and talk to her about it.
    It's an anniversary. A big one. Kind of requires both of you. You wanted a party. What does DH have in mind for "do something"? A different kind of event? Buy a new washer/dryer?

    My $.02:
    Recast the event. Ask DH if he can be more enthusiastic about dinner at a very nice restaurant with you and Mom (and maybe a couple of other people who have been important to getting to this milestone). If the math works, tell him he never again has to celebrate a milestone anniversary this way. If he can sign on to that, then suggest to Mom that the nice small dinner seems more appropriate to the (now-past) occasion and to the wishes and capabilities of all involved.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  8. #18
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    Razz--I like your attitude!

    Update: Sent an email to Mom and told her what was going on. She says she hasn't asked him b/c it's OUR decision and she doesn't want to pressure him. I told spouse what she said. He didn't say much, except he muttered, "Maybe I could get a stand-in." Probably his idea of a joke. At least we're speaking to one another again.

    SteveinMN--he never had any idea to "do something." He's just not that kind of guy. He pretty much does go along with whatever I suggest, but at times, it gets frustrating. I'm not sure why.

    As my sister would say, "It is what it is."

  9. #19
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    I'm not understanding something. Why would you want to go ahead and have a party to celebrate an anniversary when your spouse has clearly stated more than once that he doesn't want to participate? It sounds like you want to go ahead anyways, and then complain that your spouse isn't being energetic/enthusiastic about the party. What am I missing?

  10. #20
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    I'll throw my hat in...you're nuts. Said only because you asked...

    I would bow out at this point. If hubby has zero enthusiasm and it's way after the actual date, id just scrap the idea. Tell mom you appreciate the thought but you've celebrated on a personal level and don't need the big to-do. She may be relieved.

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