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Thread: Faking it?

  1. #1
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    Faking it?

    I feel like i am feeling awesome, and then i went clothes shopping for my retreat and that i lostweight weight. Going into even a quiet store was a lot. I had a good experience, talked to the cashier and was normal. I couldn't buyb much because i just feel like i am faking normal.

    However i realize how much i have been holding it together and why 4 people have offered a leave over the last few months. I randomly close my eyes when the sensory overload gets high for example. So i am actually thinking about going back earlier with half days to work into being around people.

    Meanwhile I remembered something i did while i took over the site, which was have the 2 new employees complete the 3 hours of online training. Since the computer cart we were expecting was locked up by the principal i had to let them use mine which was a reason to get behind on parent phone calls (all in a google doc and no printer access). That made me feel better.

  2. #2
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Just as one should complete a prescription, my thinking is that you take the full dose of a break. Burnout needs rest and recovery. Going in ahead of time is not wise, IMO.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  3. #3
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    I agree with Razz...take the FULL time to completely heal!

  4. #4
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    Instead of returning to work earlier, I think you need a longer leave them three weeks. FMLA allows for 12 weeks. I donít know how much of that time would be paid for you but you donít sound ready to return. And that job is toxic.

  5. #5
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    Okay, I am listening. Part of this process is to actually LISTEN to people instead of thinking I know how to handle everything myself. I am terrible at that,

    I checked in with my old supervisor to see what the atmosphere is like there, she is also out on medical for a torn miniscus (spelling). So she said the same thing. Take my time,

  6. #6
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    You've hardly begun to heal, you need more time.

  7. #7
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    Just going a little bonkers! Writing crochet patterns, going to lots of meditation groups, walking and weeding.

    But breaking my identification with this job is going to be a process isn't it.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    You have just hit the nail on the head, you have made this job your identity, do or die. That is why you are obsessing about it while you are desperately needing to break from it. It has gone beyond just a job and doing a good job while you are there. You care overmuch about the job and the job cares nothing for you.
    I also had an unhealthy attachment to mine and knew that the systemic problems were way beyond my ability to change them but darn it...Ö I put 26 years into making it a better place. I had been unhappy for so long but couldn't let go because I was so invested. I made myself retire early, it took a lot of internal courage because I knew it would be like cutting off my right arm. I felt like I failed but I really hadn't, it wasn't mine to fix. I won't lie, I thought about it daily for the first couple of years and was still trying to problem solve when coworkers would call me even though I was no longer there. I wasn't sure who I was if I wasn't that and other things never filled my attention as thoroughly as that. It was an internal thing that friends and family just didn't get.
    I still think about it, just not as often. I now have found other more positive things that are deserving of my time and expertise. I don't feel like I am throwing my energy and ideas into a black hole. You will too ZG, you will too. It is hard to lay down your sword when you have fought the good fight. This job has been unraveling you for a long time. There is no shame in realizing that is isn't a good fit for your talents. The structure (or lack of) works against you and there is nothing you can do to remedy that within or without.

  9. #9
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    Thank you Simple, that really helps me deal with this more effectively. Just having you understand the situation is very supportive. I have not thought about it daily, at least the first few days when I was really in poor shape. However it is starting to come up a little daily. Mostly I also need to let go of that fantasy that I can make things better. Also I really saw before I left that I may have had my colleagues respect me however I really didn't have friends. After years I noticed that no one called me or included me in social activities.

    If I do not have another job before school starts I do have some strategies to go back. One is being realistic, and another is to keep up with counseling. I think I can make them treat it as a priority since I am coming back from FMLA. I have had issues before with taking time on a regular basis and the unfriendly rules.

    BTW I heard who the 2 new supervisors are (promoted while I was off). I am pretty happy with those even though they do not supervise me. One of them at least has been impacted and very vocal about how the supervisors did not cover our absences to the point of compromising safety.

  10. #10
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    Zoe Girl, the intensity of the sensory overload that you are describing sounds very much like PTSD, which takes significant time to heal. Please do Not try to go back early! What you are describing sounds like a brain injury from stress, i.e. Very High amounts of cortisol dumped into your bloodstream over a long period of time damages the human nervous system, of which the brain is part. Did your dr or counselor mention this at all?

    There are some things you can do to help the healing process, along with getting nutritious food and good sleep. Listening to robust music (i.e. full orchestra, with melody and harmony and regular rhythm) is one, as music is inherently organizing for the brain. There are other things I can suggest if you are interested; I worked with brain injured children for 4 years, lots of practical experience and research.

    You might also benefit from a 12-step group, such as alanon, that focuses on what is yours to do and letting go of the rest.

    Best of luck to you as you continue to travel this road.
    Last edited by mschrisgo2; 6-30-18 at 6:19pm. Reason: spelling!

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