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Thread: progress in self, relationships

  1. #1
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    progress in self, relationships

    I am reflecting on recent events at work and reading up on some interpersonal dynamics and personalities. I actually feel pretty good about totally losing my sh** in the end. I have run into this dynamic before and each time I do a little better. First was ex-husband, I walked out pretty emotionally beat up but with a fair financial settlement. The recession really impacted my recovery because I couldn't earn much. Then I had a teaching job with a horrible boss, ended up leaving in February and went back to low wage Target job. Took my years to financially recover, confidence and job references were also really hard.

    This recent work/abuse situation was probably one of the worst as I reflect on the extent of what happened, (if you don't know the story I am letting that part go, sorry). It brought my professional reputation down in a group of supervisors and of course the 3+ weeks of medical leave was intense. However I walked out with a job that earns very close to what I was earning, 20 minutes from home, and being paid out a LOT of vacation time. My 2 previous supervisors were my references which enabled me to get another job. I did not walk out a victim, although I realized as soon as I went back there was no way I could have stayed. My review was just above getting fired basically. However I can put on job applications that I never quit to avoid disciplinary action because I left with a new job.

    I was doing some reading to learn from this, I feel that similar things keep showing up and we learn better each time how to handle them. I can see some things I was doing that while being normal actions actually made it much worse. Very informative, my personality tends to act in ways that would piss off certain types. I can be better prepared now,

  2. #2
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Discoveries are enlightening.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

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    Do you have any reading to recommend? We were talking about this last night at a meeting I went to, where 3 of us had left jobs within the last year or two, and not under circumstances that made us feel peaceful or happy. Would love to explore some helpful reading!

  4. #4
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    I read a lot of articles on workplace scapegoating and bully tactics. I get articles from job search sites as well when i had a lot of those. I recommend Ladders, lots of good articles but they do send a lot of email. They have work tips but also information on difficult workplace issues. Linked In has articles as well, high quality information.

    Also the vitalsmarts newsletter. They wrote crucial conversations and are awesome. They answer tricky questions and i learn a lot from them.

    For going into new work I need to work on managing up, and I loaned out my book on that so I don't know the name right now.

  5. #5
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    Thanks, will look into these.

  6. #6
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    As my old Dad used to say, It does not matter how many times you get knocked down in the boxing ring. What matters is that you get up again, one more time.


    Meta 4 the boxing ring = interpersonal conflicts.

  7. #7
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    You got a smart dad, heck you are pretty smart yourself

  8. #8
    Senior Member lhamo's Avatar
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    Sympathies, ZG. I remember how traumatic it was when I was essentially forced out of what had been my "dream job" (on paper, at least -- it was never really that great in real life) by a sociopathic boss. I had seen him do what he did to me to other people, but somehow could not believe it was happening to me. Eventually he got fired (DH outlasted him), and died of cancer a few years later. Karma.

    I went into a pretty serious depression after that, but eventually regained my footing when I got another job. Within two weeks of being there my boss had basically handed the whole program portfolio over to me and never second-guessed any of my decisions. It was clear that I was the competent, successful professional that I always had been -- psychoboss had been gaslighting me so long and hard I seriously doubted that. Once I was back in a more functional environment I was able to shine again. I hope that you find the same is true for you.

    Oh, two resources that really helped me:

    1) Bob Sutton's work, especially his book The No Asshole Rule
    2) Henry Cloud's book Necessary Endings
    "Seek out habits that help you overcome fear or inertia. Destroy those that do the opposite." Seth Godin

  9. #9
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    Oh lhamo I recall some of that. It is hard for others to understand how such smart, capable, accomplished people can get trashed by this (I see a LOT of gaslighting in my situation, that is really difficult to get back and trust yourself). I have still been struggling but am glad I am starting a new job so soon. I think there was a lot of damage in the last month or so but I still feel good about hanging in there until I got a new job. I have not wanted to talk about it, my counselor is out of town and I need to find out if I can transfer over the deductible I have already paid to my new insurance, but I have had some trouble sleeping again. I wake up now with memories that it was so simple and I could have done it (plus the part where everyone is looking at me and judging). They told me what to do, gave me a list and walked away. When I knew I was not getting the list done I asked for help on one thing, got treated badly, and didn't tell them the rest. If they truly thought the job was reasonable I can see some of their point of view. But that is exactly why some of us are more affected by gaslighting, we are super responsible and willing to see more than our point of view. I was so almost convinced that I was not responsible because I was told so many times I needed to take responsibility that I almost totally believed it. I see that the arguing back I did (not proud of) was the part of me that knew if I accepted it 100% that it would affect me deeply and negatively. I think the major lesson is when I encounter this type again to get out fast or treat them as dangerous. Meanwhile I am taking the anxiety meds again, I don't want it to affect my new job where I feel I will be successful. I just remember I was successful for 7 1/2 years.

    I will check those books out, I am loving the tablet I got last year (my nook was the first one out). I read a book on bipolar that is very helpful. I am even trying the diet, that is another post.

  10. #10
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    I just remember I was successful for 7 1/2 years.
    Don't lose sight of that. Enjoy your new days ahead.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

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