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Thread: Stepping Back: What are the Consequences?

  1. #11
    Senior Member KayLR's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    I agree. This is the crux of this thread. My son is coming up at the end of August and we have offered to clear out and stay elsewhere, and he and his family (1 wife, 2 young kids) can live in our 2 bedroom house. But they pushed back. I told him specifically that we chose to buy a small house and then pay for guests, because that's cheaper than buying a bigger house so that you can accommodate the occasional guest, but this is not acceptable to them.

    And, if we did clear out and let them have this house, I can't see my DIL being thrilled with the 10 gallon hot water heater.
    Sheesh, I make that request of my DD and she hasn't spoken to me since, almost 18 months. Seriously.
    My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!

  2. #12
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KayLR View Post
    Sheesh, I make that request of my DD and she hasn't spoken to me since, almost 18 months. Seriously.
    No... don't tell me that!

    IL: Yes, that was the very logical course of action for me. I don't get why people would be offended or unwilling to sleep somewhere else and still get together during the day. I'm inclined to be like the Nearings, who said that people liked to come by, but not stay, because they had to work and the food wasn't great. She told them "suit yourself" and felt no guilt when they left early. It was her life, after all. And that's how I'm feeling these days.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  3. #13
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    Oh Kay, that's just awful. I think that is what I fear happening. IL, why do you want to add on to your Hermann house? Is it so you can add a bathroom and guest space? I knew someone in SC who did that--just added a bathroom and a front porch, which made house much better for guests. Cheaper than moving, for sure.

    Catherine, I wonder how many other grandparents/parents are going through this. My son was kind enough to bring my grandson up a couple of years ago, and the dog had a torn asl and I had to keep the dog and the grandbaby separate--my son wanted me to take out the baby gate, but the dog was in pain, and is shy and fearful, and it was so tense.

  4. #14
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    But Helen didn't have any kids and no grandchildren, of course. And according to that really interesting Melissa Coleman book, she played favorites with those who did come to be near them, like the Colemans.
    For me, the family issue is at the heart of this. It's same way when I go there--sometimes I stay at a motel, sometimes I stay there, and I still can't figure out what is best, or makes them happiest.
    At some level, we all want to regress to how it was when they were my little kids, both parents and kids, I think.
    Now my husband's family--by all means, go to the b n b, and we will all be happier, haha.

  5. #15
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    Oh Kay, that's just awful. I think that is what I fear happening. IL, why do you want to add on to your Hermann house? Is it so you can add a bathroom and guest space? I knew someone in SC who did that--just added a bathroom and a front porch, which made house much better for guests. Cheaper than moving, for sure.

    Catherine, I wonder how many other grandparents/parents are going through this. My son was kind enough to bring my grandson up a couple of years ago, and the dog had a torn asl and I had to keep the dog and the grandbaby separate--my son wanted me to take out the baby gate, but the dog was in pain, and is shy and fearful, and it was so tense.
    Well, at least I don't have the complication of a dog anymore. I love dogs, and I miss my Nessie desperately, but I have no desire to get another dog. Why would kids expect their parents to continue to give and give and give?
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  6. #16
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    Why would kids expect their parents to continue to give and give and give?
    Just to clarify, my kids are not demanding. They have always been loving and giving to ME. Maybe it's MY problem. That I WANT to give and give and give but don't have the bandwidth. My kids absolutely understand that, and they have since they were 9 years old and thanked me profusely for giving them a pack of tube socks for their birthdays, when that was all I could afford. So I am NOT talking about my kids' expectations. I'm talking about my own wish that I could just keep giving to them, but I know that I can't. Tybee, to your point about Helen Nearing, I hear what you're saying.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  7. #17
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    ... IL, why do you want to add on to your Hermann house? Is it so you can add a bathroom and guest space? I knew someone in SC who did that--just added a bathroom and a front porch, which made house much better for guests. Cheaper than moving, for sure....
    We dont have a plan from the architect yet. But I envision building on a room in back with lots of windows to take advantage of our view, it is really sweet.

    When we first got this house, I was talking to DH about necessary renovations (the garage- turned-bedroom needs to become a kitchen and oh yeah, lets add some HVAC, haha and we need a double garage) and
    I said “and then in a few years we can add a 3 season room” and soon after, it struck me that hell, we need to build that NOW because “in a few years” I will be dead.

    this house has been messed with several times. It has 5 exterior doors, to illustrate one thing that is problematic.

    So anyway, this house needs a re working of the space, and we arent doing that to accomodate guests. I am doing it to make it more accomodating to MY everyday life.

  8. #18
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    I don't get why people would be offended or unwilling to sleep somewhere else and still get together during the day.
    Maybe because 1) they have a mental picture of what they want the experience to be; and 2) in practical terms, sleeping somewhere else and getting together during the day just doesn't work out in practice as well as it does in thought. One party wonders how early they can call the other to see if they're awake and moving around, and getting ready and transporting between locations burns time too. Kids' needs complicate that process further. Maybe taking offense is an overly strong reaction, but I can see unhappiness over such an invitation.
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  9. #19
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    My husband and I live in a 810 sq ft house and we have a small garage. Everything we own is on this property. Itís plenty big enough for us. We make use of the outdoor space under the patio roof - total shade is a need in the desert. That outdoor space is as big as the indoor space.

    No dishwasher. Can sit about 5 comfortably in living room/ kitchen area - the open concept room in the front half of house. The other half of the house is a bathroom, a laundry closet, and two bedrooms.

    AC is a true need in 115 degree Phoenix. We have that.

    We love it here. Not crowded. Just right. We are comfortable with our own children staying with us in the spare room. Other people can get a hotel.

  10. #20
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    in your post you asked about "roughing it." IMHO, if a house has electricity and indoor plumbing, it's not "roughing it." I don't know how old your grandkids are, but they (and maybe even their parents) might think it's a lark to sleep in a tent in the back yard when they visit in the summer. My "guest room" is an inflatable queen-size mattress that inflates up to bed height. What I'm trying to say is: your house is JUST FINE.

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