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Thread: Funeral aesthetics?

  1. #21
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Since I'll be dead, I'd like for my loved ones to do what will give them comfort--emotional and financial. That being said...

    ..I would like a cheap burial and funeral arrangements. Cremation is fine.

    I'd like for them to play songs that remind them of me, and those songs are likely to be songs like "Let it Be" by the Beatles and "Morning has Broken, " popularized by Cat Stevens, but actually my favorite church hymn.

    And a quote by Thornton Wilder:


    EMILY: "Does anyone ever realize life while they live it...every, every minute?"

    STAGE MANAGER: "No. Saints and poets maybe...they do some.”

    EMILY: "Good-by, Good-by, world. Good-by, Grover's Corners... Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking... and Mama's sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths...and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you.”

    STAGE MANAGER: “We all know that something is eternal. And it ain’t houses and it ain’t names, and it ain’t earth, and it ain’t even the stars . . . everybody knows in their bones that something is eternal, and that something has to do with human beings. All the greatest people ever lived have been telling us that for five thousand years and yet you’d be surprised how people are always losing hold of it. There’s something way down deep that’s eternal about every human being.”
    ― Thornton Wilder, Our Town

    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  2. #22
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    I'm reading One Mind, by Larry Dossey, MD. Its theme is the immortality and universality of consciousness. What Wilder, through his Stage Manager, remarked rings true with Dossey, and with me.

    I might have Celine Dion's Vole played at my service, if I were to have one:

    Vole, Vole petite flamme
    Vole mon ange, mon âme
    Quitte ta peau de misère
    Va retrouver la lumière

    It was written as a memorial to her young niece who died of cystic fibrosis.

  3. #23
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JaneV2.0 View Post
    I'm reading One Mind, by Larry Dossey, MD. Its theme is the immortality and universality of consciousness. What Wilder, through his Stage Manager, remarked rings true with Dossey, and with me.
    If you haven't read it yet, read The Bridge of San Luis Rey. Great book by Thornton Wilder. I was in Our Town in high school right after my "rebirth" after my mother divorced my father, and the play resonated so deeply with me and since then I've seen a dozen productions, including the Broadway production when Paul Newman played the Stage Manager--and he died shortly after. Just recently, I missed the chance to see a production with Christopher Lloyd at Weston Playhouse in VT--I would have loved to have seen it, but it just wasn't the right time. But that's OK. I've seen enough.

    Beautiful French lyrics by Celine Dion. Lovely piece to wish a loved one off to another sky.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  4. #24
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    We will be cremated and put into a wall at the vEteran's cemetery. It is free for veterans and they engrave a nice plaque also. We do have to pay for the cremation somewhere ourselves but that is cheap. We will have a celebration of life with food.

  5. #25
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bae View Post
    I have a preplanned longship burial, and if my wishes are not followed, my estate goes elsewhere.
    Do you have to go through the Navy or state to accomplish that?
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  6. #26
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    Since I strongly believe a funeral should be a celebration of life I think it should reflect the person and how they lived.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  7. #27
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SiouzQ. View Post
    Super dysfunctional and it is really stressing me out me and it is all falling onto me anyway. I just found out this morning that the ex has issues with the venue I chose (though he didn't say anything about it at the time and wasn't able to offer any help with finding a different place due to his own mental issues). I feel like I am entering a minefield without having any idea what others expectations are about the event itself, or even if some members from that side of the family are even going to make it the memorial celebration.
    I cannot imagine having to plan (or even participate in planning) your own child's funeral...

    That said, if XH and his family are not stating their needs in a timely fashion and coming up with contributions of their own, then it is perfectly okay to choose what works for you. You cannot possibly address everyone's expectations about this event, particularly if they leave you "in the dark" 1500 miles away, so plan something your daughter would like and call it good. Don't mind the folks who expect you to be a mindreader; this is tough enough for everyone, but especially you. And take good care of yourself...
    If Americans expended even a fraction of the energy on civic engagement that we spend on consumer ideology, our democracy would be much healthier. Can you imagine people camping out to vote? -- Charles Roberts, Amherst, Mass., Nov. 25, 2006

  8. #28
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    I cannot imagine having to plan (or even participate in planning) your own child's funeral...

    That said, if XH and his family are not stating their needs in a timely fashion and coming up with contributions of their own, then it is perfectly okay to choose what works for you. You cannot possibly address everyone's expectations about this event, particularly if they leave you "in the dark" 1500 miles away, so plan something your daughter would like and call it good. Don't mind the folks who expect you to be a mindreader; this is tough enough for everyone, but especially you. And take good care of yourself...
    Well said.
    I'm so sorry SiouzQ that you are having to carry the load of this.
    Last edited by Float On; 8-7-18 at 12:59pm.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  9. #29
    Senior Member SiouzQ.'s Avatar
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    There is SO much going on back in Michigan regarding my ex-family by marriage and the four kids within that family, the fact that my ex-MIL is in the middle of being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, the fact she adopted my cat when I moved and now it is causing problems with her cat and both of them are spraying in her house, the severe and shifting triangulation relationship behaviors between the kids in this family regarding everything, the fact my ex has a mental illness as well and communication with him is very difficult and getting ANYTHING decided and agreed upon is pretty damn near impossible, the fact he will say one thing one day and completely flip it around the next and never really communicate it anyway. A major factor is that he holds the $1000 check my daughter's employer gave us for her funeral expenses, so whatever I decide to do memorial-wise (because he won't) I somehow have to get him to funnel that money to me. The fact one of my best friends back home can't really help me with setting this up after all like she said she could, due to her schedule...on and on and on...

    After a phone call yesterday with one of my ex-SIL's I realized again why, over the years, especially after my daughter turned eighteen, I had pretty much put more and more distance between us because she is a very toxic person. The only person I remain very close to in that family is my ex-MIL who I love dearly, even after divorcing her son 25 years ago. She and my mom helped raise my daughter and she has always been very giving and very generous to me; she has always been my second mom.

    Navigating this family has always been a minefield. It did occur to me yesterday when I hung up the phone that whatever I plan to do to celebrate my daughter's life is for me and my family, for some sort of closure from this awful, tragic event. If her dad can't get on board with what I have planned (me having given him EVERY opportunity to chime in and help), then he is free to do whatever he wishes for his own needs after I am out of there. We'll see if he even answers the email I sent yesterday, or if he will talk to me if I call him in a few days. I need to decide by this weekend how many people to plan for and let my mom tell the catering company so we can get that settled.
    It might be that I just request half of the $1000 for the event I am planning. Me and my parents will pay for any extra costs. He can have the other half to do whatever he wants with. I have no control over what any of them want to do or what they say about me but I have a job that I have to be back at so I can't dick around with their plans or lack there of, waiting....and waiting...

    I need this to be done and over.

    Aside from my ex-MIL, after this there are some members of that family I really don't see the need to stay in contact with now that my daughter is gone. I am a firm proponent of moving on.

  10. #30
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    SiouzQ, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I truly feel for you and how painful this must be.

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