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Thread: Easing back in

  1. #101
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    Interesting line of thought.

    for me, first knee jerk stream of thought:
    living according to my values
    not having to act in ways that are unnatural/accommodate to the beliefs and desires of others
    minimizing unwanted demands

    this is probably why I have so few friends. Friends are not simple.

    using my resources (time, money, energy) in ways that I feel give me a high rate of return personally (enjoyment, satisfaction, feelings of success and accomplishment... interestingly “happiness” came up as a secondary and I went back and checked it against the list - it’s a secondary effect.

    minimal engagement with mainstream culture.

    more to think about.

  2. #102
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    I find my friends simple and if they become otherwise it’s usually time to let them go. Most of my friendships are very long term. But I am a extrovert and I know it is different for introverts. My son is visiting for a month and his HS friend will be coming over for dinner so I am making a special meal. Some of my other friends want to see my son too so lots of cooking and entertaining. My son commented on how beautiful our backyard turned out and how low maintenance it is. That was planned to suit us as we age. IL, is right that CL doesn’t need simplify suggestions because she is creating the work she chooses to do. It took me a long time to get this.

  3. #103
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    Working on lesson plans.

    remembering why I don’t like lesson plans.

    i have yet to find a format that easily organizes the information I need in the way I use it. I need something that incorporates a monthly/weekly/daily calendar system with a scope and sequence chart, an attendance and grade record for each class, a materials and process page for each lesson, a narrative record for each student, and a daily materials and to do list. It should be resistant to coffee, water, and dirt, and organized something like a 3D flowchart crossed with a choose your own adventure book. It would be nice if it fit in my purse.

    lol!

  4. #104
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    Oh, and about the friends - I engaged in three non-family social encounters this summer. Two involved about an hour picking blueberries and talking.

    then one of my best friends came to visit from out of town. She stayed overnight. We had fun, but by the time she left I had been ready for her to leave for over an hour. The weather was nice and I wanted to work outside. She e-mailed me to see if she could stay a night this weekend again. I thought “I just saw you a week ago!” And I reminded her that we are moving Dd this weekend. I actually could have fit in both, but that is too much.

  5. #105
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    The OP is the one who chooses most all of the activities she engages in. These are her choices and we have talked about them many times. Minimizing isnt gonna happen.
    I stumble over knowing how to talk with her when it appears she is distressed and asking for suggestions. But sometimes she doesn’t want suggestions ... but still seems distressed! 😄

  6. #106
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    Ok, my brain is doing well this morning, so maybe I can explain myself a little.

    A lot of the time I want feedback. Which is different from suggestions. Because I am in the middle of the situation trying to look at it with a brain that may not be interpreting well. I also have a really hard time with executive function - everything can seem equally important and difficult, and I want it all most and now.

    so I need to look at the things that aren’t working and see that there are reasons they aren’t working that are not failings in me. And I need those reasons to be more specific than “that is too much to do.” I need to hear stories not of “this worked for me, do this” but “yeah, I tried to do xyandz and this thing happened because it’s really hard, but I put “z” aside and came back to it later and it was ok. Z will wait.” I need help finding starting points “it sounds like this is the most important thing right now.” Or “this is the only thing that is time critical, so maybe if you get started on it you will feel less pressure.” Or, “I know it isn’t even on your list right now, but it might help your energy level if you took 15 minutes and cleared a space or took a walk.”

    when i I get overwhelmed, I can’t even remember that I like tea or music or that I need to turn the lights on or that I have frozen fruit in the freezer that makes a really great quick and refreshing snack. I am like a 2 year old who is tired and muddy and has a skinned knee and has lost her toy and is just standing in the rain wailing because life is unbearable.

    i need to know now that nobody else cares about a lot of the things that I am stressing out over. We are trying to order a new kiln at school. Ben at the studio has been working with us for over a year. One of the ways Ben makes a living is by selling kilns. And I feel bad that this has been such a drawn out mess. I had to get the administration on board with the idea, I had to find the money, there was fund raising, there were delays, I lost the number for the woman who does the inspection and paperwork, the woman told me we have a current code violation and also need an upgrade for the new kiln, our physical plant is in such a mess she didn’t even want the work to fix the situation. I am now trying to navigate the maze of who is responsible for what and how we get electrical work done to bring us up to code and prepare for the new kiln. So yesterday I checked with Ben that he got the information he needed in the email the woman sent him and explained that we had to schedule the work before we ordered. Ben was upbeat and pleasant and “no problem, i’m Ready when you say ‘go’.”

    and i told dh that talking to Ben made me feel much better and that Ben has been really patient with me. And Dh said “honey, you are an easy sale. You wanted something standard, so Ben spent five minutes on the quote. You accepted it as is. (It was a really good quote!) He read you a phone number he uses all the time off of his phone twice, and when the electrical information came in, he put it with the quote. He knows you are going to order the kiln eventually, and when you do, he will have put in 20 minutes of work. You aren’t worrying Ben at all.” “And the electrician did what she does and got paid what she charges. Her take away is ‘sucks to be them. Glad I don’t have to worry about that mess.’.”

    i just need to keep working through the next step. It is frustrating to me because there are no shortcuts, but everybody else thinks this is normal. Organizations are large and complicated and people are complex and everything takes longer than you think it will and you have to do all this rediculous political/social stuff that I think is stupid and fake and frankly a little insulting to the person you are dealing with (I hate it when my boss tells me how important I am to the organization and how much they appreciate me before she tells me I can’t have something and then tries to make me understand and buy into her priorities. Just say no. It’s your job to make those decisions. If you are open to me coming back with a better argument, tell me why you said no. But be honest about why. Because if you do, I will.) it is a linear process with unpredictable obstacles, turns, and delays, and I just gave to walk through it, and that is fine. In the end, I will have the new kiln. So far, I have actually done everything right, even though it feels like everything is a disaster. That is the process, not me. (And the fact that I hate participating in the process and it feels unnatural and frustrating not mean I am bad at it)

    last year i got overwhelmed and didn’t have a garden. This year I got overwhelmed and almost didn’t have a garden again, but someone gave me some Melon plants. And I planted them. And then I bought some tomato and pepper plants - only a couple, and planted late squash, and I have a garden. It isn’t what I wanted, but it is keeping me from walking away from the whole thing in despair and it is ok. Sometimes I need help stepping away from the big picture and focusing on one piece I can do. It’s like my life is a giant 3,000 piece puzzle and I have this vision of being able to pick up every piece and put it right in place, and then I look at it scrambled in a heap and think oh my god, I have no idea where any of these pieces go! I need someone to give me strategies like, “it’s ok, just start turning pieces printed side up. When you see edges put them aside. Group pieces of similar color or pattern. This is going to take a while....” “get a simpler puzzle” doesn’t help. I want THIS puzzle.

    and when I say “I will never get it done.” I need someone to say “you got the hat together. Maybe you should shift your focus over to this blue area for a while, you can work on that part after you find more stars....” not giving up on the garden, just not worrying about the garden until I see a way to make it come together, and believing that it will.

    sorry this is so long.

  7. #107
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    Or remember this saying: "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good." As in, it's good enough, so time to move to the next thing. Your garden is a great example - you made an effort and got a few things done, it's good enough!

  8. #108
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    No, it’s not good enough. It’s better than nothing. “Progress, not perfection.”

  9. #109
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    CL, having just read your post about the kiln and the garden, and thinking about what you say here:
    "It’s like my life is a giant 3,000 piece puzzle and I have this vision of being able to pick up every piece and put it right in place, and then I look at it scrambled in a heap and think oh my god, I have no idea where any of these pieces go! I need someone to give me strategies like, “it’s ok, just start turning pieces printed side up. When you see edges put them aside. Group pieces of similar color or pattern. This is going to take a while....” “get a simpler puzzle” doesn’t help. I want THIS puzzle."

    and thinking about some of the posts you have made that reflect a level of pain that is disturbing to many readers and makes us want to help by giving you suggestions, I want to reiterate my suggestion that you find a really good therapist to work with you about managing your life. You are very clear about what you want, and you are also clear on wanting support, and I think a very good therapist could help you with both of those things, to achieve what you want, to gain support, and most importantly, to alleviate much of the suffering that you seem to be experiencing. None of us want you to suffer.

    I am in no way saying anything negative to you in this. I have used therapy at various points and found it extremely helpful. There is obviously nothing that I can say to you to alleviate suffering, and I want to support you, but I do not want you to feel that I am criticizing you, and I don't want to frustrate you any longer by "not getting it" and giving you ideas that make you angry or feel you have to defend yourself, which is the impression I am getting. And I could be so wrong about that, but that's the impression I am getting.

    You are obviously smart, creative, and juggling a lot of plates in the air, which is how you like it. I don't think I can give you much in the way of support that will not feel to you like I am criticizing, so I will stop giving you ideas and know that I wish you all the best!

  10. #110
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    ChickenLady, when you describe your life, I think of the word "driven." It's never seemed like a good thing to me, but many people seem to think it's something to aspire to. I hope you find your equilibrium.

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