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Thread: Online dating or hookups, beware

  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by bae View Post
    After some initial experimentation, I have switched to an entirely in-person approach, and that is going swimmingly well. Local folks of interest to me are already mostly known to me already, and a simple chat, meet-and-coffee, and whatnot seem to be productive. And folks outside my immediate area I have been making initial in-person contacts at events of mutual interest to us all, which serves as a great initial selection sieve, as my interests both for people to hang out with, or to perhaps entertain closer relationships with, are a bit difficult to "match".

    (Vaguely-related, I may write up my experiences this last 4 days at a residential retreat/seminar, where of the 24 people present, I was pretty much the only sorta-cis-standard-male, and almost everyone else was a queer female. It was an absolutely fascinating and educational experience to be in this space with so many focused and caring people, and great advisors. I made quite a few friends, and some who perhaps may be more. It was really transformative.)
    How do they become more than friends if everyone else besides you was a "queer female?"

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugal-one View Post
    How do they become more than friends if everyone else besides you was a "queer female?"
    I think queer females can be attracted to straight dudes.

  3. #53
    Senior Member Rogar's Avatar
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    I have enjoyed a few friendships with gay women. It was sort of nice knowing there were no hidden agendas around a romantic relationship...unless i missed something.

  4. #54
    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugal-one View Post
    How do they become more than friends if everyone else besides you was a "queer female?"
    Queer covers quite a range. And I'm not particularly non-queer myself.

  5. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by bae View Post
    Queer covers quite a range. And I'm not particularly non-queer myself.
    What is your definition of queer?

  6. #56
    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugal-one View Post
    What is your definition of queer?
    That is almost the subject of an entire thread, as it is a word full of connotations, insult, attempts to reclaim, activism, academic study, and debate.

    In this case, I meant it in the senses of:

    4. an identity that has been taken back as a word to be more inclusive, incorporating all of the LGBTQIA community (the queer community)

    5. an identity used to be vague or non-specific about a person's sexual orientation, identifying with the LGBT community as a whole. Also a description of people's non-heterosexual sexual orientations in a non-specific and unbiased manner

    6. an identity used because the terms gay, lesbian, or bisexual are not sufficient for their inner feelings

    7. an identity used because some individuals whose gender or sex is non-conforming may not have an easy way to culturally identify their sexual orientation.

    8. an academic word used in the context of “queer theory” and “queer studies.” The term queer replaces the term homosexual or LGBT.

    And with a tinge of activism stirred in.

  7. #57
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    I have a friend who identifies as "genderqueer," apparently a non-binary descriptor, in line with bae's numbers 5 or 6 above. I don't really understand the distinction relative to them, but it's not my evaluation that counts.

  8. #58
    Senior Member jp1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bae View Post
    That is almost the subject of an entire thread, as it is a word full of connotations, insult, attempts to reclaim, activism, academic study, and debate.

    In this case, I meant it in the senses of:

    4. an identity that has been taken back as a word to be more inclusive, incorporating all of the LGBTQIA community (the queer community)

    5. an identity used to be vague or non-specific about a person's sexual orientation, identifying with the LGBT community as a whole. Also a description of people's non-heterosexual sexual orientations in a non-specific and unbiased manner

    6. an identity used because the terms gay, lesbian, or bisexual are not sufficient for their inner feelings

    7. an identity used because some individuals whose gender or sex is non-conforming may not have an easy way to culturally identify their sexual orientation.

    8. an academic word used in the context of “queer theory” and “queer studies.” The term queer replaces the term homosexual or LGBT.

    And with a tinge of activism stirred in.
    I'm intrigued that we didn't get to read 1, 2 and 3.

  9. #59
    Senior Member jp1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy View Post
    I would love to hear about that, Bae. My daughter and son in law are polyamorous, which led me to recently read “the ethical slut” to gain a better understanding of these non-traditional life choices.
    If you want another recommendation I'd strongly suggest "Many Love: A Memoir of Polyamory and Finding Love(s)." Sophie (the author) is perhaps a bit more rough around the edges than the authors of The Ethical Slut, but there's so much heart and understanding in her writing. And she includes pictures she's drawn of her various boyfriends. They're adorable and add so much to the book...

  10. #60
    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jp1 View Post
    I'm intrigued that we didn't get to read 1, 2 and 3.
    Ah, they were, from the first source I grabbed so I wouldn't have to type much (I dislocated my elbow a few days back and am a one-handed typer at the moment):

    1. something that is odd, different, strange or non-mainstream
    2. a historical derogatory term against people who were homosexual (also see #9)
    3. an identity in which Gay and Lesbian individuals have taken back so they could take the negativity away from the word and use it to say they were proud

    And at the end was:

    9. A contemporary derogatory term and insult used to describe someone in the LGBT community, usually by someone outside of the LGBT community, or used to describe any other person who you do not like based on their sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, general looks and/or behavior, or an insult to a non-LGBT person to control their behavior.


    I was looking for a list of the different nuances. But as you know, there are entire books written on the topic these days. Thank goodness.

    I've handed out a fair number of copies of this book:


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