Online dating or hookups, beware

[SteveinMN]

Hey Steve, just fyi this was the Ames Singles group, dont know if they were still operating when you were in Ames. Oddly, the group was largely devoid of university people, both students and faculty.

I had never heard of that group, IL, though I will admit I was not exactly "in the market" through my time at ISU so I may have heard the name and never had it register in my brain.

UL, FWIW my ex and I were married 14 years (well, by the book; 12 or so actively married) after a long-distance courtship. Because of the long-distance courtship (and because her bio clock was not yet ticking loudly) we agreed to wait five years before we had kids. By the time the five years rolled around, we alternated between her not wanting them (career) and me not wanting them (with her). DW has a 30-something niece who married in May of last year; the bambina is expected any day now.

[Selah]

Regarding the OP, when I was dating I was on all sorts of dating sites, but in all of them, I limited potential suitors to those living in Las Vegas--I lived in a small town about sixty miles away at the time, had a business, and didn't want to date anyone locally to avoid gossip. Anyway, somehow my profile got "migrated" to a local dating site without my knowledge. One day, a male client of mine called up and said, "Oh ho! I was online and saw your 'advertisement' for a boyfriend! It was so cute!" ARGHH!

In a twist of fate, I immediately logged onto my various dating app accounts to delete them all. There, I saw a message from a man on whom I'd had a fan-girl crush after seeing his picture on a billboard on my way into work. (And no, it wasn't an FBI Most-Wanted picture!) We had our first date the next day, and in less than a month it'll be our tenth wedding anniversary!

[catherine]

Let's say a great guy, age 36. 6'2", 180 lbs. advanced degree, good job, loves his mom, owns a nice car and house, etc. who has no kids meets a 35 year old woman who "definitely" wants kids.

The guy, if he is a good dude, is going to want to date for a least a year to make sure she is a good match. So then she is 36. Then maybe they live together for a year so he can make sure they can live together harmoniously. Then she is 37. Then he proposes and the engagement is a very reasonable year. She is then 38. Then he wants to just enjoy life as a couple -- go on weekend getaways, go to amusement parks, take vacations or go on a couple cruises, maybe finish the basement, repaint the bedrooms, get some money saved, etc. This takes a year or two. So by then that women who "definitely" wanted kids at age 35 is 40 years old. She is running out of eggs and some of the ones left are "low qual."


Thoughts?

Well, my DS40 is a good dude. 5-1/2 years ago he broke up with one girlfriend and a woman who had been tracking the downfall of his relationship jumped out from the wings immediately. Month 1 they had their first date. Month 2 they were serious. Month 3 they were pregnant. Month 4 they got up the nerve to tell their parents. Month 5 they were married. They never did ANY of that interim stuff you mentioned. They recently celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary and they are very happy.

Thank God life doesn't come with a blueprint. We're the architects of our lives and we don't have to follow anyone else's assumptions.

BTW, you know, years ago no one did a "test run" by cohabitating. That seems to be a fairly recent step in courtship and marriage. There is research that people who live together and then marry actually have a higher divorce rate than those that don't.

So maybe scratch that step off your list, or at least de-prioritize it.

[bae]

That is a very inspiring story, Selah!

I'm in my mid-50s, have *never* dated before, live in a small rural community, and am now faced with Discovering How Dating Works In The Modern Age.

Not a clue on my end, but you've given me a it of positive outlook :-)

[Teacher Terry]

Selah, awesome story! C: you are right about the research. However, if I had lived with either of my first 2 husbands I would not have married them. I lived with #3 for 5 1/2 years before marrying him. I was making sure this time

[herbgeek]

Thank God life doesn't come with a blueprint

Yeah I didn't follow the rules as outlined by UL above either. I'd met my husband at a work event. Several months later, he asked me out. After 3 weeks of dating, we decided to get married. We've been married 33 years.

[Tammy]

Bae - I'm curious - if you never dated before - then how did you end up married? Did you do the almost arranged marriage courting thing?

[Alan]

I met my wife in February, 1976 in Anchorage Alaska. I was working the midnight shift as an Air Force Law Enforcement Desk Sergeant when I got a call from a lady in Cincinnati looking for her daughter. It seems the daughter had last checked in from Seattle before boarding her final flight to Anchorage and was now several hours past the expected check-in time. I reassured the woman and told her I'd find her daughter and have her call back right away.

A short time later several new arrivals walked into my area to check in to their new squadron. I addressed the group and asked if there was an Airman Suter in the group. One of the newbies, a hot little blonde, perked up and said "Yes, I'm Airman Suter". I then replied "Call your mother, she's worried about you". It was at that moment that I realized just how embarrassing this was for her, to be singled out of a group at her very first duty assignment and told to call her mother. I felt so bad afterwards that I volunteered to show her around the area when she had some free time. This led to an official date within a few weeks and we were married the following November. Our daughter came along 22 months later and our 42nd anniversary is coming up on 11/12.

I've always believed that if there were one small event in life that improves you forever more, mine was working the desk on that long ago February night.

[jp1]

BTW, you know, years ago no one did a "test run" by cohabitating. That seems to be a fairly recent step in courtship and marriage. There is research that people who live together and then marry actually have a higher divorce rate than those that don't.

I had not heard about this. I guess SO and I had better just remain SO's... Of course, we had been together 12 years, and living together over a decade, before the Obergefell supreme court decision made it legal for us to marry, so perhaps that rule doesn't quite fit our situation.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I think my bf would have married me by now if I had wanted, only he knows I've never been much of a believer in marriage. Living together though, I've considered for sheer economic reasons!, but actually off the table again for now (for work reasons).