Online dating or hookups, beware

[iris lilies]

In a recent thread UL mentioned online dating.


I discovered something that was weird for you online daters. I wish I did not know it. Some of these hook up places don’t protect privacy.


Here’s how I discovered it: years ago my neighborhood Association put up a list of community gardeners on their website. The list included our name, street address, phone number, our email address, and our birthdate. Yeah, that was stupid and I was annoyed and it took a while to get that ID theft worthy information down from the web after I bitched and moaned. But during the time it was up, I poked around Google using my fellow community gardeners’ info. One thing I tested was how much can I find out from someone’s email address.

Unfortunately I learned which one of my neighbors is a “bottom” in the hook up game. Also, he is “cut.” I wish I didnt know this! My neighbor used his regular email address for a hookup on a local website that was stupidly open about Google indexing.

My fault for snooping, I guess, although my own email address is out there available for searches and that is ok with me.

But, beware of the lesson in this cautionary tale. There are several levels of wrongness in this: my neighbor who didnt use a throwaway email address, the hookup site, and me.

[Ultralight]

In a recent thread UL mentioned online dating.


I discovered something that was weird for you online daters. I wish I did not know it. Some of these hook up places don’t protect privacy.


Here’s how I discovered it: years ago my neighborhood Association put up a list of community gardeners on their website. The list included our name, street address, phone number, our email address, and our birthdate. Yeah, that was stupid and I was annoyed and it took a while to get that ID theft worthy information down from the web after I bitched and moaned. But during the time it was up, I poked around Google using my fellow community gardeners’ info. One thing I tested was how much can I find out from someone’s email address.

Unfortunately I learned which one of my neighbors is a “bottom” in the hook up game. Also, he is “cut.” I wish I didnt know this! My neighbor used his regular email address for a hookup on a local website that was stupidly open about Google indexing.

My fault for snooping, I guess, although my own email address is out there available for searches and that is ok with me.

But, beware of the lesson in this cautionary tale. There are several levels of wrongness in this: my neighbor who didnt use a throwaway email address, the hookup site, and me.

What site was he on? "Man Hunt?" lol

[bae]

I'm a big fan of VPNs, anonymyzing proxy servers, throw-away email addresses, anonymous VOIP services, and encrypted mail.

Keeps out at least some of the riff raff.

[SteveinMN]

I'm a big fan of VPNs, anonymyzing proxy servers, throw-away email addresses, anonymous VOIP services, and encrypted mail.

Keeps out at least some of the riff raff.

Amen to that! I'm continually amazed at the number of people I know who do everything on their work email address. Or even their work-supplied computer/phone. I'm even annoyed when organizations sending out email to their members don't blind-copy so you get a list of 45 eminently-usable email addresses. Digital security is severely undervalued by most people.

[Ultralight]

Something I find interesting about online dating are the 35-45 year old women who "definitely" want kids. So, on match.com you can select:
-No
-No, but it is okay if my partner has kids
-Probably not
-Not sure
-Someday
-Definitely

There are even plenty of women in the 45-50 range that "definitely" want kids. And there are tons of women in the 35-45 range who "someday" want kids.

Here is my thought. Any guy worth having kids with is probably going to take his time, vet the woman he is dating, and also want to take some time to just enjoy life as a couple. Let me break this down.

Let's say a great guy, age 36. 6'2", 180 lbs. advanced degree, good job, loves his mom, owns a nice car and house, etc. who has no kids meets a 35 year old woman who "definitely" wants kids.

The guy, if he is a good dude, is going to want to date for a least a year to make sure she is a good match. So then she is 36. Then maybe they live together for a year so he can make sure they can live together harmoniously. Then she is 37. Then he proposes and the engagement is a very reasonable year. She is then 38. Then he wants to just enjoy life as a couple -- go on weekend getaways, go to amusement parks, take vacations or go on a couple cruises, maybe finish the basement, repaint the bedrooms, get some money saved, etc. This takes a year or two. So by then that women who "definitely" wanted kids at age 35 is 40 years old. She is running out of eggs and some of the ones left are "low qual."

Or that 35 year old woman who "definitely" wants kids can speed the process up by several means.
-She could get an formal or informal donor, and have a kid on her own first, then try to find a quality husband. But most good dudes are very apprehensive about dating single moms.
-She could go partway through the long process described above, trick the guy into impregnating her, and hope he forgives her or that he believes her 99.8% effective IUD actually did fail.
-She could tell herself that she will go through the long process above and then simply adopt a baby when she and her partner are in their 40s. (Big reveal: Ain't gonna happen!)
-She could forget about having a husband and just get a formal or informal donor, have the kid, and focus on that.
-She could do the math and think: "Do I want to wait until it is probably too late to get a decent man because I am so fixated on having a family or do I want to make a compromise and be with a man who does not want kids? This way I at least get part of what I want -- the husband."

Thoughts?

[Williamsmith]

Something I find interesting about online dating are the 35-45 year old women who "definitely" want kids. So, on match.com you can select:
-No
-No, but it is okay if my partner has kids
-Probably not
-Not sure
-Someday
-Definitely

There are even plenty of women in the 45-50 range that "definitely" want kids. And there are tons of women in the 35-45 range who "someday" want kids.

Here is my thought. Any guy worth having kids with is probably going to take his time, vet the woman he is dating, and also want to take some time to just enjoy life as a couple. Let me break this down.

Let's say a great guy, age 36. 6'2", 180 lbs. advanced degree, good job, loves his mom, owns a nice car and house, etc. who has no kids meets a 35 year old woman who "definitely" wants kids.

The guy, if he is a good dude, is going to want to date for a least a year to make sure she is a good match. So then she is 36. Then maybe they live together for a year so he can make sure they can live together harmoniously. Then she is 37. Then he proposes and the engagement is a very reasonable year. She is then 38. Then he wants to just enjoy life as a couple -- go on weekend getaways, go to amusement parks, take vacations or go on a couple cruises, maybe finish the basement, repaint the bedrooms, get some money saved, etc. This takes a year or two. So by then that women who "definitely" wanted kids at age 35 is 40 years old. She is running out of eggs and some of the ones left are "low qual."

Or that 35 year old woman who "definitely" wants kids can speed the process up by several means.
-She could get an formal or informal donor, and have a kid on her own first, then try to find a quality husband. But most good dudes are very apprehensive about dating single moms.
-She could go partway through the long process described above, trick the guy into impregnating her, and hope he forgives her or that he believes her 99.8% effective IUD actually did fail.
-She could tell herself that she will go through the long process above and then simply adopt a baby when she and her partner are in their 40s. (Big reveal: Ain't gonna happen!)
-She could forget about having a husband and just get a formal or informal donor, have the kid, and focus on that.
-She could do the math and think: "Do I want to wait until it is probably too late to get a decent man because I am so fixated on having a family or do I want to make a compromise and be with a man who does not want kids? This way I at least get part of what I want -- the husband."

Thoughts?

Your exhaustive analysis on the thought processes of women is truly impressive. Except for you are a man ....as they say, you are from Mars.....the woman is from Venus. The sooner you forget trying to figure them out, the better off you will be. I suspect that if you ever summoned the courage to go have your nuts cut, you would find a lovely woman to settle down with. Just she and you and a dog named Boo.

[ApatheticNoMore]

It doesn't have to take that long, that is ridiculous. I mean I don't advocate the other extreme of trying to have kids one month after meeting someone, but it doesn't have to take 5 years if a couple is a good match and both want kids, that's silly. And what is one so sure will be the case after 5 years that wouldn't be after 2? That one would never divorce etc..? Yea I don't think one can get there from there.

Now I had a man decide not to date me when I was just turning 40 and didn't want kids, because they figured they wouldn't persuade me in time and they wanted kids ... I think that's fairly sensible though. I often wonder if it would have been the better life, since my life is really hard. But that is ever so much water under the bridge.

A 5 year time line for a couple who wants kids though? Nah.

-She could do the math and think: "Do I want to wait until it is probably too late to get a decent man because I am so fixated on having a family or do I want to make a compromise and be with a man who does not want kids? This way I at least get part of what I want -- the husband."

well considering it takes 5 years to see if a relationship will work according to you, and she might be near 40 by then and determine it won't work this seems inevitable at that point anyway ... of course maybe she got to have hot sex before then or companionship or ... although marriage is not the only way to get those.

[catherine]

Let's say a great guy, age 36. 6'2", 180 lbs. advanced degree, good job, loves his mom, owns a nice car and house, etc. who has no kids meets a 35 year old woman who "definitely" wants kids.

The guy, if he is a good dude, is going to want to date for a least a year to make sure she is a good match. So then she is 36. Then maybe they live together for a year so he can make sure they can live together harmoniously. Then she is 37. Then he proposes and the engagement is a very reasonable year. She is then 38. Then he wants to just enjoy life as a couple -- go on weekend getaways, go to amusement parks, take vacations or go on a couple cruises, maybe finish the basement, repaint the bedrooms, get some money saved, etc. This takes a year or two. So by then that women who "definitely" wanted kids at age 35 is 40 years old. She is running out of eggs and some of the ones left are "low qual."


Thoughts?

Well, my DS40 is a good dude. 5-1/2 years ago he broke up with one girlfriend and a woman who had been tracking the downfall of his relationship jumped out from the wings immediately. Month 1 they had their first date. Month 2 they were serious. Month 3 they were pregnant. Month 4 they got up the nerve to tell their parents. Month 5 they were married. They never did ANY of that interim stuff you mentioned. They recently celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary and they are very happy.

Thank God life doesn't come with a blueprint. We're the architects of our lives and we don't have to follow anyone else's assumptions.

BTW, you know, years ago no one did a "test run" by cohabitating. That seems to be a fairly recent step in courtship and marriage. There is research that people who live together and then marry actually have a higher divorce rate than those that don't.

So maybe scratch that step off your list, or at least de-prioritize it.

[jp1]

BTW, you know, years ago no one did a "test run" by cohabitating. That seems to be a fairly recent step in courtship and marriage. There is research that people who live together and then marry actually have a higher divorce rate than those that don't.

I had not heard about this. I guess SO and I had better just remain SO's... Of course, we had been together 12 years, and living together over a decade, before the Obergefell supreme court decision made it legal for us to marry, so perhaps that rule doesn't quite fit our situation.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I think my bf would have married me by now if I had wanted, only he knows I've never been much of a believer in marriage. Living together though, I've considered for sheer economic reasons!, but actually off the table again for now (for work reasons).