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Thread: Major identity changes?

  1. #11
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    I don't have kids and have nothing so life changing to relate. Evolution? Yes some. Revolution or revelation? Hasn't happened.
    Trees don't grow on money

  2. #12
    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    I am curious about your experiences with major identity changes.
    Some major transitions:

    1) Well, since I was 14, I was part of a couple. I became an adult in the company of the woman who was to become my wife, we got married, we had a child, we raised a child, we went through the deaths of parents. I spent 40+ years with this person really being the other half of my identity, and never was an adult entirely as an individual on my own. So, when she abandoned the family three months ago, it provoked some major changes in my outlook, and it still doing so.

    2) When we had our child, as others had noted, becoming an actual parent (not just a sperm donor) was a huge change. I quit my job, moved, started a school, and spent a huge amount of my time raising this exceptional person. So that was a big life change. I'd like to be trite and say that when she went off to college, or later to grad school, there was a transition again, but not-so-much - we still correspond daily, I consult with her on some of her academic enterprises, and we have a great intellectual and emotional relationship.

    3) Some years back, in my mid-life crisis, I was feeling slow, lazy, unaccomplished, and like I could do more. I lost a lot of weight, improved my physical condition tremendously, and managed to stumble through the state fire academy at the age of ~50. And from there proceeded to dig deeper into emergency medicine, technical rescue, marine rescue, search, and so on. This was a major transition from my more intellectual desk-mode public service, and it has proven hugely rewarding.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bae View Post
    Some major transitions:

    1) Well, since I was 14, I was part of a couple. I became an adult in the company of the woman who was to become my wife, we got married, we had a child, we raised a child, we went through the deaths of parents. I spent 40+ years with this person really being the other half of my identity, and never was an adult entirely as an individual on my own. So, when she abandoned the family three months ago, it provoked some major changes in my outlook, and it still doing so.

    2) When we had our child, as others had noted, becoming an actual parent (not just a sperm donor) was a huge change. I quit my job, moved, started a school, and spent a huge amount of my time raising this exceptional person. So that was a big life change. I'd like to be trite and say that when she went off to college, or later to grad school, there was a transition again, but not-so-much - we still correspond daily, I consult with her on some of her academic enterprises, and we have a great intellectual and emotional relationship.

    3) Some years back, in my mid-life crisis, I was feeling slow, lazy, unaccomplished, and like I could do more. I lost a lot of weight, improved my physical condition tremendously, and managed to stumble through the state fire academy at the age of ~50. And from there proceeded to dig deeper into emergency medicine, technical rescue, marine rescue, search, and so on. This was a major transition from my more intellectual desk-mode public service, and it has proven hugely rewarding.
    Wow. Just wow. That is a lot.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    At several points in my life I went through some major identity changes.

    I think the first for me was when I was 14.

    I started taking Tae Kwon Do classes. At first I hated it. Then I liked it. Then I started Tang Soo Do as well. I steadily gained a few belts. My dad then put me in Ken Po. All these styles concurrently. Again, I steadily gained belts. The problem was the constant ass-beatings I received every class from virtually all the other students and instructors. Then I found Ju Jitsu. I took to it like a fish to water. I practiced 4-8 hours a day. When I sparred freestyle with Tae Kwon Do, Tang Soo Do, or Ken Po practitioners I would rapidly take them down and grapple them into submission with choke holds or joint-locks. This goes for both students and instructors. When facing other grapplers I would make quick work of them. So I started to think of myself not as a bumbling teenage goofball but as a martial artist.

    This was my first brush with confidence.

  5. #15
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    I think the biggest transition for me was from Mennonite to agnostic. It took about 35 years.

    Wife and mother didn’t change me much. I was oldest of 4 and helped raise my siblings, so all of that homemaking stuff was second nature. Being a nurse isn’t the pinnacle of change either, as I naturally gravitate toward caregiving and empathy. So although I value all those parts of my life, it was the religious/philosophical transition that was the biggest identity change.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tammy View Post
    I think the biggest transition for me was from Mennonite to agnostic. It took about 35 years.

    Wife and mother didn’t change me much. I was oldest of 4 and helped raise my siblings, so all of that homemaking stuff was second nature. Being a nurse isn’t the pinnacle of change either, as I naturally gravitate toward caregiving and empathy. So although I value all those parts of my life, it was the religious/philosophical transition that was the biggest identity change.
    Different perspective, for sure. Thanks.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Another major identity change happened in 2013. I got divorced. But it was not really the divorce that changed me; it was what I did with my newly found free time. That was when I became a fishing maniac.

    About a week after my wife left my sis and BIL asked if I wanted to go fishing. They felt bad for me and wanted to distract me.

    So we went. I had my old spincast with ropey 10 pound test and a dozen night crawlers. Anyway, we were out there about an hour.
    AntrimChannel.jpg

    FishOHcarp.jpg

    I caught a catfish for dinner and a Fish Ohio common Carp!

    I remember thinking: "I will just do this. This is how I will spend my time for the foreseeable future."

    So I went fishing 4-6 days each week. I became a minor celeb at a nearby lake. haha

  8. #18
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    The retirement thing is interesting because at least for me, you have to form a new identity. Still working on it...but it does make me see the germ of myself a little clearer without the distraction of work and other obligations. As Popeye says, I am what I am.

  9. #19
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    I truly don't think retirement will ding my identity, because I only do this for money. In fact, at this point, my job only gets in the way of other things I would rather do, which is why I'm keen on unloading the albatross of my NJ house. The only thing I'll miss when I retire? The money.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  10. #20
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    It seems like a lot of folks work a job just to fund their kids. So for those whose kids are their main source of identity most people are just working to fund their primary source of meaning in life.

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