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Thread: Gaslighting

  1. #61
    Senior Member KayLR's Avatar
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    I have not replied (or really read until today) to this post, because for me it is so painful. I am being gaslighted by my own daughter whom I've always adored. It happened like the flip of a switch, and I believe now it's due to her newest relationship with her former boss.

    She has 3 children whom I have not seen for 20 months and have been ordered (by her) not to contact. My greatest hope at this point is that the older boys will remember me and wish to contact me when they're 18+. They're 17 and 14 now.

    She wrote to me last week (after I'd attempted to send a gift to the boys) informing me of what a horrible mother I've been; how selfish I've always been, and ---this really gets me---how I NEVER showed her any affection. Uh, I nursed her until she was 3 yrs old, for crying out loud. I'm not going to go into any defense here; I know I made mistakes, but did the best I could with two very different, yet nearly incorrigible girls--alone. I know I was not a rotten mother. But she is really making me doubt myself and wondering about the veracity of her accusations. There's your gaslighting.

    My other daughter is incredulous of the whole thing. She's written her off as a wacko. Actually, I do think she needs mental counseling, but I fear it's really the new-ish relationship. We were fine until he came along. As her boss he pulled some shitty stuff on her which I expressed at the time my worry about her continuing to work for him. He was gaslighting HER.

    I've been to counseling; I've been advised to stay away, not contact but not close any doors. Also to concentrate on my own healing and find joy wherever I can and stick to those things. It's my New Year's resolution. To heal and find my way. After her recent email, I went to a very dark place, struggled to sleep for nights. It's getting better.
    My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!

  2. #62
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    KayRL, What a sad turn of events. It sounds as if you are taking all the right steps to protect yourself and the relationship if ever it changes. I'm am sorry to hear of this and wish you strength.

  3. #63
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    Kay, that’s really awful. I am so sorry. I am glad you have a good relationship with your other daughter. Hopefully the grandchildren will come around. A similar thing happened to a good friend of mine. First she lost a son at age 4 and her daughter was always close. Then her daughter had 2 girls and my friend babysat a lot,etc. She was a good mom and grandma. Then out of the blue she turned on her when the girls were in their teens.

  4. #64
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    So sad to read so many difficult situations. Life should not be like this.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  5. #65
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    Those teenage grandsons will remember you. No doubt. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

  6. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by KayLR View Post
    I have not replied (or really read until today) to this post, because for me it is so painful. I am being gaslighted by my own daughter whom I've always adored. It happened like the flip of a switch, and I believe now it's due to her newest relationship with her former boss.

    She has 3 children whom I have not seen for 20 months and have been ordered (by her) not to contact. My greatest hope at this point is that the older boys will remember me and wish to contact me when they're 18+. They're 17 and 14 now.

    She wrote to me last week (after I'd attempted to send a gift to the boys) informing me of what a horrible mother I've been; how selfish I've always been, and ---this really gets me---how I NEVER showed her any affection. Uh, I nursed her until she was 3 yrs old, for crying out loud. I'm not going to go into any defense here; I know I made mistakes, but did the best I could with two very different, yet nearly incorrigible girls--alone. I know I was not a rotten mother. But she is really making me doubt myself and wondering about the veracity of her accusations. There's your gaslighting.

    My other daughter is incredulous of the whole thing. She's written her off as a wacko. Actually, I do think she needs mental counseling, but I fear it's really the new-ish relationship. We were fine until he came along. As her boss he pulled some shitty stuff on her which I expressed at the time my worry about her continuing to work for him. He was gaslighting HER.

    I've been to counseling; I've been advised to stay away, not contact but not close any doors. Also to concentrate on my own healing and find joy wherever I can and stick to those things. It's my New Year's resolution. To heal and find my way. After her recent email, I went to a very dark place, struggled to sleep for nights. It's getting better.
    I am sorry you are going through this too. I have watched YouTube by Inner Integration to get some insight. YLMV My thoughts are with you.

  7. #67
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    Long time lurker here. Have gone through exact situation over the last 5 years. Involves 2 small grandchildren. Keep up with therapy. I recommend “Done with Crying” by Sheri McGregor. She also has a website with a forum. Sending hugs to anyone else dealing with this.

  8. #68
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cindycindy View Post
    Long time lurker here. Have gone through exact situation over the last 5 years. Involves 2 small grandchildren. Keep up with therapy. I recommend “Done with Crying” by Sheri McGregor. She also has a website with a forum. Sending hugs to anyone else dealing with this.
    As I am not familiar with estrangement issues, I looked up the author and her articles. Very powerful when there is so little written elsewhere on the topic.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  9. #69
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    Another resource is Joshua Coleman's "When Parents Hurt". Parental estrangement has become very common; the author calls it "a silent epidemic".

  10. #70
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Those therapists who are advising to stay away from the gaslighters and who support parents whose children have cut them off are the same therapists who advise the children to cut them off.

    our neice is estranged from her parents. There is no obvious reason for it. Actually,
    I will say there is no reason for it.

    This neice, her mother, her father—all of them— are without substance abuse, mental illness, wacko lifestyle or philosophy, outlandish issues or obvious problems. All are educzted, productive members of society. It is a big mystery to us why this split exists. But it has been going on for a dozen years so at this point, it will not likely be solved. She didnt even have a rocky relationship with her parents, she was bery close to her mother until about age 20.

    Of course I dont have insight into what really happened, and I do not advocate staying tied to family members who do one harm. I just dont think there was much harm done here.

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