Gaslighting

[catherine]

I have two friends that I used to work with and coincidentally they had both experienced estrangement from their daughters, under similar circumstances. They had gotten divorced when the daughters were around 12 or 13, and the girls in both situations went to their respective father's home for regular visitiation, and eventually the girls chose to live with their fathers. I'm pretty sure in one case, the father poisoned the daughter against the mother--I can't remember what happened in the other case. I knew both women very well, and liked and respected them very much. They were loving, smart, hard-working, nurturing people. In fact one was an RN and the other a psychologist.

From my outsider POV, I could not understand what they could have done to deserve such pain, and such hatred and anger from their children. One of the friends attended therapy with the daughter while all this was going on, but it didn't help. In fact, the therapist seemed to "side" with the daughter, but of course, I only have my friend's perspective, which was clearly biased.

They lost out on contact with these daughters throughout the girls' growing up. But in both of my friends' cases, once the girls reached adulthood, they reconciled over time and wound up with good, healthy relationships.

I am so sorry for all of you who are going through this.

[KayLR]

Long time lurker here. Have gone through exact situation over the last 5 years. Involves 2 small grandchildren. Keep up with therapy. I recommend “Done with Crying” by Sheri McGregor. She also has a website with a forum. Sending hugs to anyone else dealing with this.

Thank you...I had just ordered (and received last week) this book and it's amazing how spot-on she knows this phenomenon (if that's what you want to call it.) Will look up her website someday when I feel strong enough.

[iris lilies]

I have two friends that I used to work with and coincidentally they had both experienced estrangement from their daughters, under similar circumstances. They had gotten divorced when the daughters were around 12 or 13, and the girls in both situations went to their respective father's home for regular visitiation, and eventually the girls chose to live with their fathers. I'm pretty sure in one case, the father poisoned the daughter against the mother--I can't remember what happened in the other case. I knew both women very well, and liked and respected them very much. They were loving, smart, hard-working, nurturing people. In fact one was an RN and the other a psychologist.

From my outsider POV, I could not understand what they could have done to deserve such pain, and such hatred and anger from their children. One of the friends attended therapy with the daughter while all this was going on, but it didn't help. In fact, the therapist seemed to "side" with the daughter, but of course, I only have my friend's perspective, which was clearly biased.

They lost out on contact with these daughters throughout the girls' growing up. But in both of my friends' cases, once the girls reached adulthood, they reconciled over time and wound up with good, healthy relationships.

I am so sorry for all of you who are going through this.

That is more typical, the teen goes to live with the parent they do not know so well, teen get an earful of the foibles of the former custodial parent, and estrangement happens. Then reconciliation as teen comes i to maturity.

It is these out of the blue estrangements that are confoundong..

[frugal-one]

Well, there is no longer any communication. I contacted DS and he said he did not want to talk with me or his father. He had to go. Asked if we would ever see him again or our GD and he said he didn't know. All I could do is tell him I love him and will be here for him. Heartbreaking but there is nothing more I can do. He is our only family.

[NewGig]

One thing I know as a previously-abused person, afterwards it DOES stand out like a beacon when you encounter it again.

[iris lilies]

Feugal-one, this is too bad! Sorry to hear it.

[Tybee]

Well, there is no longer any communication. I contacted DS and he said he did not want to talk with me or his father. He had to go. Asked if we would ever see him again or our GD and he said he didn't know. All I could do is tell him I love him and will be here for him. Heartbreaking but there is nothing more I can do. He is our only family.

I am so sorry, frugal-one, that is terrible. I found a lot of comfort in the Coleman book When Parents Hurt-- it might help you, too.

[SteveinMN]

frugal-one, I'm sorry this is where the situation is now....

[KayLR]

Frugal-one, I feel your pain. It is the most heartbreaking, hurtful, and painful things anyone can know. I am healing, but there are triggers, and this virus situation isn't helping---but I will never totally heal, I'm afraid.