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Thread: How to handle an apology?

  1. #11
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    I support you in setting a boundary but when she “went off” on you what does that mean, exactly? Here you are not talking about her endless yakking about herself, apparently.

    What behaviour will you no longer tolerate from her? What words will you use to express that?

    Putting these things in writing is far less effective than face to face conversations and it creates its own kind of problem. If you cannot say the words to her now, you will not be able to enforce the boundary you set.

    The important thing to remember is that it is your own behavior that changes when the boundary is crossed. When she does X Bad Thing you stand up to leave or you show her to the door.

    Are you ready to do that?

    The book everyone recommends is “Difficult Comversations” which lays out some strategies in talking about conflicts.

    UL’s little trick is stupid, who has time to play stupid games and what is the point of that, anyway? If you think you are going to teach someone like this a lesson, well, that is not realistic.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 11-7-18 at 9:55pm.

  2. #12
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    Simply say 'thank you'. nothing more. Many people apologize because what they really want is for you/me to say "oh, it's OK". Those people will apologize again and again fishing for it. Simply say 'thank you'.

    Since she emailed the apology, simply email back "thank you". Hit send, take a deep breath and move on

  3. #13
    Senior Member CathyA's Avatar
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    Geila, I'm curious....does she live alone? Does she have any medical problems? Does she have any hints of early Alzheimers? Is she on any meds?
    Are you the only person she is ever around?

  4. #14
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CathyA View Post
    Geila, I'm curious....does she live alone? Does she have any medical problems? Does she have any hints of early Alzheimers? Is she on any meds?
    Are you the only person she is ever around?
    Because living alone is a real red flag... (Insert rolling on the floor smiey...)

  5. #15
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    I've had a similar run in with a "friend". It got to the point where I brought up a conversation discussing how talking with her made me feel and that I was giving fair warning if conversation went that direction again I would get up and remove myself and go for a walk. It got a little better and then I had to leave the friendship. It's easier to break off a friendship than a family connection. I do have to excuse myself and go for a lot of walks around my DH's family. That's reached the point where the last 3 years I've sent him on visits alone, I'm not going back.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  6. #16
    Senior Member CathyA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JaneV2.0 View Post
    Because living alone is a real red flag... (Insert rolling on the floor smiey...)
    What I meant Jane, was that maybe she saves up all her insults for Geila, since she has no one else to dump them on.
    Hey....I'm all for living alone!

  7. #17
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    Well, if she is 73, is there any way this can be part of the appearance of dementia? My mom exhibited some of this behavior as her dementia developed--it was as though her filters were removed, which I guess is kind of accurate, with deterioration of pre-fontal cortex.

    So maybe your cousin was always a jerk, but she controlled it better and now she can't?

  8. #18
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CathyA View Post
    What I meant Jane, was that maybe she saves up all her insults for Geila, since she has no one else to dump them on.
    Hey....I'm all for living alone!
    Thanks for clarifying that; I was wondering where you were going.
    I don't generally attack people randomly--at least not after I've had coffee...

  9. #19
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    If I was certain she didn’t have dementia I would probably end the relationship. I tend to put up with lots of crap from people and then one day my trig snaps and I am done.

  10. #20
    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    I have found this book helpful in the past:


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