How to handle an apology?

[Geila]

I have a family member who can be really insensitive and offensive. She was an only child and very spoiled. She says she has only child-itis. I would call it narcissism; definitely very self-absorbed. Anyway, recently she went off on me and was really awful. She loves talking about herself and anytime a subject is brought up that is not about her, she doesn't like it. I was shocked and kind of horrified at her vile response. Afterwards, I had to do some self-care to get rid of all the yucky feelings from her outburst. Later she emailed an apology and said she was sorry.

In the past I have tolerated this stuff even though she never apologizes; I don't think she's even aware of how her behavior affects others. But it has affected me, no matter how hard I try to do the "it's who she is" thing. She's the only family member that I have where we live so I've always opted to preserve the family connection.

During the exchange, I was too shocked to cover my reaction to what she said. I made no effort to hide my feelings like I have in the past. I think this is why she apologized for the first time ever.

I want to accept the apology and let the matter go, but I do not want to be cheery about it (which was my first impulse). I don't want to pretend that what she said was okay. How do I do that?

[Ultralight]

Here is my suggestion.

Ask to meet her at a cafe or restaurant about a half hour from her house.

Say you want to talk about the matter.

Then pick a day and time to meet.

Here is the zinger: You don't show up.

When she contacts you just say: "Gotcha!"

Then laugh and hang up.

Sends a very clear message that you are not to be effed with.

[Geila]

Here is my suggestion.

Ask to meet her at a cafe or restaurant about a half hour from her house.

Say you want to talk about the matter.

Then pick a day and time to meet.

Here is the zinger: You don't show up.

When she contacts you just say: "Gotcha!"

Then laugh and hang up.

Sends a very clear message that you are not to be effed with.

Well, you made ME laugh! Thanks for that.

[CathyA]

Here is my suggestion.

Ask to meet her at a cafe or restaurant about a half hour from her house.

Say you want to talk about the matter.

Then pick a day and time to meet.

Here is the zinger: You don't show up.

When she contacts you just say: "Gotcha!"

Then laugh and hang up.

Sends a very clear message that you are not to be effed with.

Oh geez UL, I hope you're not serious.

First of all Geila, in my life (of almost 69 years), I have discovered that I don't need to be around anyone who treats me badly.....even if they're family. Being related to someone doesn't mean you have to be abused by them.

It's your call if you want to chance accepting her apology, and continuing to associate with her. If you do sincerely want a relationship with her, then I would make it very clear that you will never tolerate this kind of behavior from her in the future.
And if she starts it up again, even after this apology, then I would end it. You don't need this.

[Teacher Terry]

I agree with Cathy.

[Ultralight]

I agree with UL!

[Geila]

I've had periods in the past were I restrict the amount of time that I spend with her and it's possible that I might get to the point where I distance myself permanently.

But, as you can all tell, I'm sure, I have a really hard time establishing boundaries. I'd like to take this opportunity to do that, for my sake. Problem is I don't have experience doing so. I'd like to write an email that:

a. expresses my shock at her behavior.
b. sets some boundaries as to being the recipient of that kind of behavior in the future. (not sure how to do this)
c. ends on a calm/neutral note to allow the matter to be resolved. (this is for me; I don't want to drag this out our carry resentment over it)

[Ultralight]

These narcissistic, mean-spirited people devoid of conscience are best dealt with by fighting dirty. It is the only thing they understand.

[Geila]

These narcissistic, mean-spirited people devoid of conscience are best dealt with by fighting dirty. It is the only thing they understand.

From previous experience, I would say that narcissistic, mean-spirited people devoid of conscience are all manner of dangerous things. And yes, this person did remind me of that type of personality during this exchange. A lot. I don't think that I'm ready to cut this person out of my life yet, but I do think I am ready to be pleasant but distant and create a wide boundary around my relationship with her and others like her.

But I'm not willing to play dirty and stoop to their level (yet - I have to admit to myself that in my previous relationship with someone like her, I did indeed have to "go where they were" in order to get through to them. And it was pretty hard for me to do, but there was no other way). One of my core values is compassion (and I'm highly empathetic), but I'm finally realizing that I have to be compassionate with myself as well, and recognizing that being compassionate does not mean being in a relationship with someone. And it doesn't mean being a doormat either.

I used to think that if I wasn't kind, I would be just like these people. And I would HATE being like them. It was very much a black & white perspective, all-or-nothing thinking. I'm now starting to realize that being kind to others does not mean being unkind to myself. It isn't either/or, its both/and. So I will accept her apology, AND I will take steps to protect myself.

[iris lilies]

I support you in setting a boundary but when she “went off” on you what does that mean, exactly? Here you are not talking about her endless yakking about herself, apparently.

What behaviour will you no longer tolerate from her? What words will you use to express that?

Putting these things in writing is far less effective than face to face conversations and it creates its own kind of problem. If you cannot say the words to her now, you will not be able to enforce the boundary you set.

The important thing to remember is that it is your own behavior that changes when the boundary is crossed. When she does X Bad Thing you stand up to leave or you show her to the door.

Are you ready to do that?

The book everyone recommends is “Difficult Comversations” which lays out some strategies in talking about conflicts.

UL’s little trick is stupid, who has time to play stupid games and what is the point of that, anyway? If you think you are going to teach someone like this a lesson, well, that is not realistic.