How To Deal With An Extremely Disorganized Significant Other

[nswef]

Separate housing sounds sensible. Travel plans, might be something you do with your strength of organization. The messiness factor in housekeeping would make me want separate housing.

[rosarugosa]

I think you can make this work and you have already proposed the solution in division of labor that plays to each person's strengths. That is what DH & I have done successfully for many years.

[SiouzQ.]

He is a wonderful person and we are very lucky to have found each other, so randomly in little old Madrid, NM! I think I was just venting out some frustrations is all; I'll keep to my sh**, and let him deal with his, though he is usually pretty receptive to a helping hand. He knows this about himself and he does get frustrated when he screws up. He certainly didn't have very good role models growing up. In spite of that, he grew into a very fine person.

[Teacher Terry]

I think it’s great that you are helping him with things he isn’t as good at. My husband grocery shops which is great since I don’t like to do it. Everyone occasionally gets frustrated with their partner.

[JaneV2.0]

Could his memory issues be related to his diabetes? If so, be on the lookout for other dementia symptoms, so you can probably nip it in the bud.

[iris lilies]

I would maintain two households and just worry about my own issues, personally...


..lFocus on his goodness; life is short. He sounds like a wonderful, caring companion.

i agree with this pretty much. Do not under any circumstances mingle households or finances. But the rest of it can be managed.

[mschrisgo2]

I'm imagining you two could work out a compatible understanding and live together happily. It all has to do with the "doing what you're good at" part. My now very long ago ex-husband and I cleaned house together and he preferred cleaning the bathrooms, doing the general dusting, and cleaning the floors. That left me with the kitchen and general tidy throughout the house, on a weekly basis. We agreed on no food outside of the family/dining/kitchen/patio area. He agreed to throw his dirty clothes into a large laundry basket in the dressing area. I ran laundry while I made dinner once a week; he did his own ironing of work shirts, and put his clothes away, I did mine. We did windows together 3 times a year, shared the yard work, he took care of the cars and I paid the bills. We grocery shopped together. We planned trips together, but I took care of reservations and invitations.

The very hardest was kitchen clean up after dinner. I hate going into the kitchen in the morning to last night's mess, he didn't care. But I finally realized it was because he literally didn't go in the kitchen on workday mornings. He didn't eat breakfast, and got his coffee at the donut shop on his way to work. I, on the other hand, ate breakfast and the mess made me resentful. We had to have a couple very serious discussions and some deliberate changing of evening habits to get to where the kitchen was clean before bedtime. This was complicated by the fact that he was a very messy cook, but really enjoyed cooking- which I didn't want to discourage- and the fact that I clean as I go and the kitchen is clean when I sit down to eat, so I just have to put plates and silverware in the dishwasher after dinner. But we got through it.

All this negotiation seemed overwhelming at first, and hard. I had lived in an apartment by myself for 2.5 years before we moved in together. He had been in the army, then went home to his parents'. I was used to my clean and organized space. He was still decompressing from the army (though I didn't realize it at the time). I did not want to nag, I wanted "equality" and I wanted clean and organized living space. We got there, and I think you can, too. One step at a time. Start small, celebrate success, don't give up. He really sounds like a keeper.

PS At this stage of my life, I would hire a housecleaning service for 4 hours a week.

[Tammy]

I would change nothing. Keep living separately. We (especially women) are too quick to compromise to make living together work. There’s no reason you can’t live separately and continue to have a good life together,

[Teacher Terry]

I much prefer living with compromise with a person I love than living alone with my house perfectly neat. It depends on what makes each person the happiest. However, I cannot live with my entire space messy.

[SteveinMN]

(selected quotes)

It just never occurs to him to do many of these basic things that would make his life run smoother.

He wastes a lot food and money by not planning ahead, he misses appointments because he doesn't use a calendar, is late paying bills and rent, on and on and on. It's hard for me to watch someone be that way but he has been that way his whole life.

He is so disorganized with the flights, forgot to check the night before, forgot who he made the rental car reservation with (we had to go from counter to counter until they found us). Going crazy making sure he had his diabetic survival bag all set and all his other medications, trying not to lose his glasses at every turn (he did end up losing a pair of sunglasses and had to buy new ones in Oklahoma). He would lose his head if it wasn't attached to his body; he is so very absent-minded.

it is hard to watch someone fumble around so hard with the basics when I know things could be so much easier (and cheaper) for him if he paid more attention and planned things better. I know *some* of what I do to run my life easier has rubbed off a little here and there on him but there is SO much room for improvement.

I'm certain all of your BF's sloppiness, lack of planning, and absentmindedness predated the two of you meeting. Yet for all of this, your BF has reached 59 years of age with his own place to live, a career, and (apparently) money to burn. Could it be that, by your BF's standards, he's doing alright?

I don't recall how long you two have been together and I don't know his backstory (did he have any previous long-term relationships? were these reasons why they ended?). But it doesn't seem like he feels he's really in need of all that "improvement" or it would have happened by now. Things like losing his car key fob is essentially a nuisance to him, one of those annoyances of life that all of us encounter from time to time. It's not taking food off his table; it's not endangering anyone's life. So no big deal (or so it seems he thinks).

You may have some success in removing from him some tasks he either dislikes or does not care about, like travel planning. You may even succeed in "zoning" (as UL put it) some of the worst of the disorder behind closed doors.

But, after 59 years, if you think the communal bathroom will remain clean if he's using it or that he'll stop losing track of things, I think you'll be in for a rude awakening. Your BF does not see these things as problems. So what incentive does he have (or can you provide) to change a long lifetime of habit?

My ex had problems with being disorganized similar to those your BF exhibits. She misplaced her car keys constantly, sometimes making her late for work or even for gigs for her side hustle. I used to help her find the keys. Then, when I realized I was enabling the behavior, I stopped. She still lost her keys but now it took longer to find them. Finally I made the unsolicited suggestion that, if she put her keys in the same spot every time, she'd know where they were when she wanted them. She tried it and (golly!) it worked. But even though losing her car keys created real issues for my ex, it never occurred to her to seek suggestions on how to fix the problem. Was it a brain thing? Did losing car keys (and $$ as a result) not cause enough pain to sponsor a change in how she did things? I don't know.

But I see the same thing happening here. What bothers you apparently does not bother your BF. Do not expect him to even think they're issues to be "fixed" or that life necessarily will be "smoother" for him after whatever obsession is needed to keep things clean and orderly. If you're okay with being the mom all the time, proceed and know that the job is yours for life. Apparently he's a great guy in most other respects so maybe you're up for it. But I suspect that, over time, you'll just grow to resent the difference -- and that will be very damaging to the relationship.