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Thread: How To Deal With An Extremely Disorganized Significant Other

  1. #21
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    I disagree Steve. My ex was perfect on paper but impossible to live with. My DH is the opposite. I gave him a landing zone and if he doesn’t use it I don’t help him look for his stuff. Been married 3xs and beyond happy with this one. We reached a agreement on what would work for both of us and we have both held up our part of the bargain 20 years later. Their relationship sounds good in all the important places.

  2. #22
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    I agree with Steve. Things look best in the beginning of any relationship, and then we really get to see things clearly when living together.

    This is only the beginning of your frustrations if you move in together.

  3. #23
    Senior Member SiouzQ.'s Avatar
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    All interesting opinions presented here, and a lot of food for thought. Moving in together is absolutely not in the imminent future, at any rate. I am hanging onto my tiny house living as long as possible in order to save up as much money as possible.

    We are so compatible in so many other ways, I am thinking that should the situation ever present itself, we will be able to each voice our concerns and expectations of each other and honestly think about if it would work and how it would work. I would definitely need my own space/bedroom. I have lived alone for so long that I know I would need a refuge for myself within the house.

    In the meantime, I am going to work on where my boundaries are, like where to step in and help and where to back off and let him deal with things the way he has always dealt with them. I am still committed to doing a good cleaning at his place because he has helped me so much when I couldn't do things for myself. It is the least I can do and it will make his space more comfortable for both of us. We still have some decorating work to do and that has been fun for us to do together. We like to go to estate sales and thrift shops.

  4. #24
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    A friend of mine is 72 and hadn’t lived with anyone in 20 years and said she never could again. She meets s guy in her book club and a year later they move in together. He literally is a absent minded professor. He is messy. I tell her about the zone idea and now they are very happily living together.

  5. #25
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    SiouzQ, I think you've already done a good job of appreciating the good aspects of him and those are the things I'd concentrate on. Being thankful for what he does bring to the relationship. I'm over the idea that all relationships have to end in people living together in traditional marriage. I have a friend and she and her husband have completely different lives on opposite coasts. They meet up for dinners or trips and it works for them. They've been married 30 years.
    I do think you should have open conversations about each of your strengths and weaknesses/needs and work out who does what. You obviously are better at travel plans and maybe should be in charge of that. I hand my husband a clear envelope with all travel plans and arrangements when he leaves for a trip alone and he's done a good job of not loosing the envelope but in your case you should probably hang onto the envelope.
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

  6. #26
    Senior Member beckyliz's Avatar
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    Do you think he's open to learning new skills? Sounds like he doesn't recognize what can be done to make life a bit easier. I'm wondering if he'd be open to something like this: "DB, I notice you struggle at times with keeping track of X. Would it be helpful for me to show you some techniques I've used to help me stay on top of [that issue]?
    "Do not accumulate for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal. But accumulate for yourselves treasure in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, your heart is also." Jesus

  7. #27
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    Should the occasion happen to move in together, a strategy is likely a good idea for a heartfelt discussion. Something like:

    "We've spent a lot of time together now in each of homes. I know there are many things we do differently or that matter to us vs don't matter, and I think we can compromise so that we are mutually satisfied because we genuinely care about each other and the relationship we've built over the past few years. I can give up on X, X, X. What I really do need in my/our home however is, X, X, X. Of these I'm willing to take care of X, X and would like us both to be responsible for X, X. Can we talk about what this looks like?"

    Having negotiated a domestically mutually satisfying relationship and division of duties AFTER being married 10 years.....I know it's doable.

  8. #28
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Consider saying this:

    "I need you to conform to my way of life. Thanks."

  9. #29
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ultralight View Post
    Consider saying this:

    "I need you to conform to my way of life. Thanks."
    UL: You should be a relationship advice columnist!

  10. #30
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    UL, the person will say no thanks )

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