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Thread: How relationships define you

  1. #11
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    I liked being a member of my extended family, the clan that was centered in one Iowa county. But it didnt define me, and I had no problem moving away. Moving away for jobs was a fun and necessary event.
    I've never defined myself relative to other people, either. Too limiting, and wouldn't emphasize my core self.

    Bae, it sounds like your personal disaster will end up being an occasion for introspection, reorganization, and--ultimately--less restriction. At least i hope so.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by bae View Post
    I am trying to figure out what my definition is, now.

    I was with the same person as a couple for over 40 years, starting when she was 14. We grew up together, became adults together, made a family together. She's gone now, and I am trying to understand who I, as an individual, am.

    For ages, I was "the other half" of a pair. I was the husband and father. And I was the one who took care of everyone, protected them, provided for them. Sucked it up and set aside many of my hopes and dreams and desires to keep people happy and safe.

    I let this care-giver role define me perhaps too much.

    So now, I'm considering being a bit more self-oriented, and not constantly sacrificing for others.

    This is a little like me trying to remember what my hobbies were before children?

    I still work full time but find myself with times where I need to be kept busy.

    Been doing lots of little handy man type things at church, small painting jobs, touch ups hear and there.

  3. #13
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    To the OP, my relationships do not define me but my actions do, increasingly in fact. I am defining who and what I want to be for the next 30 years my life, progressing by learning, practicing and doing.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

  4. #14
    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by razz View Post
    To the OP, my relationships do not define me but my actions do, increasingly in fact. I am defining who and what I want to be for the next 30 years my life, progressing by learning, practicing and doing.
    Well said, and what a good plan!

  5. #15
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    I have been with my husband since our first date at age 16. Now married 38 years. I'm good with being "wife".

    My paid-employment is Nurse. I'm fine being defined as Nurse at work. I am NOT however, the neighborhood nurse and we've lived in this home nearly 28 years.

    I am sister, Aunt, friend, gardener/preserver, quilter, knitter, veracious reader, a great cook. I'm OK with all of these. It takes all of them over the course of time, for me to enjoy this life!

    It's a conglomeration of who I am day to day. I enjoy my life so if these define me, I'm apparently OK with it.

  6. #16
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    I’ve been thinking a lot the last 5 or so years about being known as a Homo sapiens. Nothing else. That’s enough.

  7. #17
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    I was thinking less about how you define yourself and more about how other people define you. For example - when I go to my uncle’s house, I am treated like a child. It is easy to fall into that role and hard to stand up for myself and remember that I am a grown woman with a job, a farm, and a family who functions just fine on her own. It is even harder to stand up to my uncle and try to remind him of this - particularly since it is limited in effectiveness and causes hurt and confusion on his part (why won’t I let him take care of me? He loves me.) and so, I find myself eating the food I am given, drinking the gingerale I loved when I was seven, listening politely to his advice, thanking him for the gas money or bag of fruit, and heading out because it’s getting late and I shouldn’t be driving.

    i am wondering how my relationship with d❤️Gs will be affected by my becoming his teacher, or how being his teacher will be affected by our relationship....

    the wife thing was, and has been, and is a struggle. Only a small part of that can be laid at dh feet.

  8. #18
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    Ah - how others define me.

    Here in the city where I did not grow up, I’m defined as a nurse. In the small town where I did grow up, I’m defined as the one who used to be a pastors wife but sadly is now going to hell.

    I’m not kidding.

  9. #19
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    I took a watercolor class many years ago, a daytime class. And I was fascinated by the fact that all the students plus the instructor defined themselves solely through family connections. When it was over, I knew absolutely nothing about any of them, but I knew the instructor's husband was an attorney and several of the others had successful husbands and sons. At least so they said. I've taken a lot of art classes before and after, but I've never encountered anything as strange as this "bored housewives of Beaverton, Oregon" experience.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Ultralight's Avatar
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    Harlan is my dog; I am Harlan's human. I think that defines me in a big way.

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