IL - is this the acquaintance who buys tons of gifts and invites a bunch of folks and requires each recipient in turn to open one a time? I felt your pain when you shared this last year, though I have to admit I was kinda giggling at the absurdity of it all (while still feeling bad for you personally).I am cranky because our annual obligatory gifting extravaganza is coming up. I had thought it would be over by now because our friend who hosts planned to move two years ago.
In 2008 it was a mutual decision with all our local friends to stop exchanging gifts. We still get together on Xmas day for a meal I host. I make my homemade spaghetti and everyone brings stuff to go with it. A few years ago we started doing a white elephant gift exchange for no more than $10. It can be something you own or made. Some people buy something. You can steal twice. Often at the end people exchange stuff. Besides that I give my kids money and my sister and childhood friend a gift. I loved buying for my kids when they were little. Without grandkids I just don’t enjoy the gifting anymore. My husband and I quit buying for each other years ago.
Yes, and its not even a bunch of folks, it is just one other couple. And in 2015 I timed the gift opening and it took more than 2 hours. How can 5 adults take two hours to open gifts? Well, it can be done if each one gets 12+ items and each much be discussed and passed around. In 2016 it all went much faster, closer to an hour, necause there were fewer gifts that year. In 2017 she was out of town for the entire extravaganza, and when I heard her plans I was fearful that she would still expect to “have our Christmas” at another time but thankyou god, that wasnt the case.Originally Posted by herbgeek
So I need to buck up and after a rest of two years, plunge into the the thng with holiday cheer.
I really, truly, loathe doing the same thing every year. Hate it! So this plays into that problem, and then add in all of the cheap crap from China that enters my house during this time of house cleaning, it is just not my jam.
Iris, is she so controlling that you cannot just say "no more"? What do you really get out of this performance?
You have terrific reasons and it is not that you dont want to get together for a meal or such. I stopped birthday party, etc. attendance after a couple of gift extravaganzas that just took all the fun away. Don't mind meals and get togethers so long as presents are not involved.
Over the years I say “please dont get us stuff. Please do not get us stuff. please—do not get us stuff!” And she tells me that she enjoys it, she is all about the presents, etc etc. so, after our last conversation a couple of years ago, I just zip it. In the early years it was difficult because I tried to jam all of the gifted crap into closets, but in recent years DH and I haul the stuff home, set it on the dining room table, cherry pick the few things we think we will use, and then dump the rest.DH is now fully accepting of this ritual but there were unhappy interactions conversations to get him there.
Rest assured that I feel no need to, and I do not ever, reciprocate at the same level. I tend to buy her dog treats and dog toys. Those are consumed by her dogs.
Oh and that is another thing. With her, consumables are not good gifts (although thank god that has changed somewhat over the years) and her rigid idea that a gift must be a physical thing that sits around to collect dust has abated. Last gifting season she actually bought me rolls of pink wrapping paper which I found very useful!
She is generous and always appreciative of whatever we gift her. She just loves spending money and pressing that Amazon Buy It Now button.
The birthday thing is another problem. She insists on getting birthday presents for me, but usually not for DH. This year it was 3 things. 3 unnecessary things, but I will admit to really liking one of them, a t-shirt that actually fits.
I love getting consumables. I wonder if you told her you give most of the stuff immediately to the thrift store if that would get through to her? I find it weird that she totally ignores what you want. Can she afford all the gifts?
So she is controlling, rigid, does not listen to you, cares only about her desires, and caused issues for awhile between you and spouse and yet you still participate in her rituals. A true friend would listen and, if necessary, find other ways to gift you. The fact you get something so important from her that you felt it necessary to convince your spouse to participate after unhappy conversations is interesting.
She is a close friend and there is no getting out of this without a permenant breach.
In 2016 I took up the invitation of another friend to go to her house for
Christmas Eve dinner. This very much hurt the feelings of my Gift Extravaganza friend, and even though I assured her “it is ok! Just go ahead and have Couple B there, we dont need to be there,) she rescheduled her traditional Eve gifting event so that we attended.
There is no getting out of it. Now she certainly cant afford it since she retired, but even prior to retirement she spent too much on this and other things.
And p.s. yes I have told her that much of the stuff she gives me goes to Goodwill. She doesnt care, she actually said she doesnt care. I didnt tell her that fair amounts go directly to trash, that seems mean.
Haha ,yes I guess! The problem with DH is a generic problem tho, where he could not conceive of failing to stuff any random gift into a closet. He is a piler. His family for years gifted stuff, too. But they have stopped that for the most part, they do only occasional gifts, usually things they have made. I toss them or keep them depending on if I like them.
It took many years for him to accept that no, we will not necessarily keep random junk that anyone gives us and NO we will NOT regift that same junk. Now he is generally content with jettisoning it all. Maybe he can finally see that 30 years of unwanted junk would overwhelm our lives. Or maybe he is just well trained now. Or maybe he just gave up, I won!
Her behavior seems very strange. But if you value the friendship I guess you just put up with it.
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