How to Start a New Christmas Tradition: Minimalist Style?

[Tammy]

In an ideal world everybody could do as they wish, and the givers would not expect anything in return.

In my distant past, I’ve told adult family members that we’re not doing gifts anymore, months before Christmas. But some still gave gifts. Then it felt weird. Ah well ... I kept not giving and they soon stopped as well.

[catherine]

It’s hard - the givers want to buy for everyone but then they expect things in return. So it’s awkward too. Because it’s not giving - it’s trading.

The minimalists just want to spend time together.

We want to do both... but we definitely need to just pare down the gift-giving part.

[Tybee]

Catherine, an idea on how you can achieve both--task all the adults with picking up a board game at a thrift shop, under 5 dollars, and then get together Christmas and play them.
I have found some cool older games, tried to link photo of one, a Milton Bradley one from the 70's, but can't do it.

I have also found playing cards with Michigan landscapes, bet you could find them with Vermont. Everybody has to bring something cool for game night?

[SteveinMN]

We've gone extremely minimal over the last few Christmases. There's only six of us (including SOs) so it's not a big 'do to start with. Two of the six are not gung-ho on celebrating Christmas anyway (at least they're married to each other ), our handicapped family member has a very difficult time participating in the goings-on, and my mom is extremely limited in the energy and money she wants to put into decorating and gift-shopping/giving. It hasn't been a conscious decision to minimalize; things just have petered out over the years.

We've tried cutting back on the money spent on gifts, we've tried going out to dinner and a show in lieu of gifts (it was difficult to find a show that everyone might like on a date most/all could attend), we tried a pan-theistic Chrismahannukwanzakah celebration,... none of them worked for everyone. Maybe the takeaway is that not everyone will be happy about whatever consensus is reached. When there are only six participants, though, anyone opting out is kind of a big deal. This is one occasion, I think, when bigger is better.

Last Christmas, at the request of the Christmas-haters (HA) we just got together -- no gifts and no decorations but on Christmas morning -- to play games inclusive of our handicapped family member, eat, and talk. I don't think we'll be doing that again, though, as it did not serve the Christmas-lovers (another HA) among us. Right now none of my family has plans for Christmas (long story about that for another time, maybe).

DW's family Christmas celebration is a whole different deal. Christmas Eve belongs to the family. Show or not show on Thanksgiving, Easter, or other gathering occasions, but Christmas Eve belongs to my wife's family and everyone is expected to be there unless they're really ill or have to work (low seniority, etc.). (It sounds more draconian than it is.) We have a potluck; those who can, cook (those who can't bring something interesting); we talk and play games and watch football on TV. There are presents for the grandkids (from parents/grandparents and their Santa proxies only) which is limited because the kids can play with only so many toys and the clothes get outgrown quickly. There adults have a Yankee gift exchange (though none of us Midwesterners call it that lol) with a dollar limit ($15-20). Since the gifts can be "stolen" they are, by nature, not terribly specific, but individuals can go after what they want (for instance, I won't be going after the Dairy Queen gift certificate). We all have a great time, especially now that grandchildren are discovering Christmas, and I don't miss my family's "celebration".

[Tybee]

That sounds so fun, Steve!

[Miss Cellaneous]

It is hard sometimes to reconcile the differences between family members. I have six siblings, two are still married, and there are nine nephews and nieces. Our Christmas gift-gifting has gone through several different versions as people move into different phases of life. Some of us remember the old days when we were kids, and gave everyone else in the family a gift. Seven kids getting gifts for six siblings plus two parents meant there were about 56 presents under the tree, and that's before my parents' gifts and of course the "Santa" gifts. (We were encouraged to make at least some of our presents by hand.) And some siblings really want to re-create that every year. Others would like to stop gifting altogether.

We draw names. If that person has kids, we buy gifts for the kids. If that person doesn't have kids, we buy a "nice" gift (around $50) for that person. If and only if you want to, you can buy a "small" (under $15) gift for anyone whose name you did not draw--usually this means that if you are going to see someone in person on or near Christmas, you buy them a small gift. What I usually do is make something--a crocheted ornament, a potholder--and give one to everybody. But I like to crochet.

As the kids reach 18, they are dropped from the gift-giving. This part of the rule came from my father's family--between them, my father and his 4 siblings had 29 children and buying for all of them was just not feasible at some point. So if you had five kids, you drew five names and gave those nieces and nephews a gift. You aged out at 18. This meant that every kid got a present from an aunt or uncle, but no one was bankrupt after Christmas. My grandparents dealt with the issue by sending every family a huge box of oranges and grapefruit every December.

This is a compromise between the "end all gifting" and "but we love to buy presents" factions. We have agreed that once the youngest nephew is 18, we will revisit this. The case has been made that it would not be fair to the younger nieces and nephews to change things midstream. It's messy and inconsistent and I know for a fact that my sister does not follow the dollar guidelines at all (she spends way too much)--but it's family and we deal.

[ApatheticNoMore]

If you know an adult that is struggling some financially give them some money if you feel inclined to be generous, they'll appreciate it, far more than gifts. But if there is little financial struggle then yes people can buy what they want.

Catherine: this wasn't directed at you, you don't need to give BIL more money!!! I was just countering adults never appreciate a gift ... well ...

[iris lilies]

I agree that a Yankee Swap is a good way to get maximum gift entertainment value for minimal effort and expenditure. We've eliminated gifts altogether for xmas and just do gifts for birthdays within our immediate families.

Yankee Swaps are not the real gift giving deal, catherine confirmed it. I think they are fun, or at least they were fun in the early years when new on the scene, have grown a bit stale for me.

For those who dont like it who are caught in these gifting situations, I suggest doing what I did after being married a few years: hand the entire job over to the spouse whose family must gift. During our first years of marriage I teamed up with DH to buy the mountains of stuff but after a while I told him it was his responsibility. I never resented the money, that didnt matter. It was the time involved in getting “stocking” gifts for everyone. It was a bore.

I am cranky because our annual obligatory gifting extravaganza is coming up. I had thought it would be over by now because our friend who hosts planned to move two years ago. It has been tradition that we do this thing (adults exchaning gifts) in this one way forever. Please, God let this be the last time.

And then, there is the problem of all the new gifted crap entering my home. Each year I get cranky about it (although truthfully, it has lessened in recent years.DH and I no longer get 24 presents between the two of us.) This time of year I am very careful to curb my talk about household objects and items I am thinking about buying because she will buy these things for me, and I do not want that for several reasons but mainly I want ro pick out my own stuff.

[Tybee]

We buy Starbucks gift cards for my husband's family and for some others like two of my old friends and some of their children, kids we have see grow from babies into parents. We buy packs of 10 dollar giftcards and put them into a Christmas card and send by December 1, so they can go out shopping and stop for cocoa or something. We don't get presents from these people and don't care--we just like to show them we are thinking of them and give them a treat this time of year.

My son definitely inherited the gifting gene. The year he was in seventh grade, he took all his Christmas money from relatives and went out to buy presents for underprivileged kids where you picked mittens off the tree. It was one of his happiest Christmases.

So I don't know, I guess this just depends on both the family and the individual, if they enjoy it or hate it.

But I definitely, in gift exchange situations, go for the Starbucks or Panera or Whole Foods gift card, knowing the recipient can always regift it, and there's no unwanted things coming into their house.

[Ultralight]

If you know an adult that is struggling some financially give them some money if you feel inclined to be generous, they'll appreciate it, far more than gifts.

I strongly but politely disagree. I think she should let the kids tough it out. It'll be better in the long run.