Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 30

Thread: Etiquette question??

  1. #1
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    9,222

    Etiquette question??

    This is a silly question but one that popped in my head in the middle of the night when there was nothing I could do about it.

    I have an old friend--who used to be my boss. He was my first boss when I started in market research 20 years ago. His path and mine diverged ages ago--I left the company 10 years ago, and he left shortly after to start his own business. He hired one of the people that worked on the same team as he and I, and he also has several part-time project managers, etc. I haven't seen either one of them in years.

    So he emailed me a few weeks ago and asked if I'd be free for dinner on the 13th because he and P__ were going to be in NJ. They'd love to see me, yadayada. So I said yes.

    We had a really fun time last night at a local restaurant, reliving old times, catching up on work and family, etc. The check came, and my friend/old boss took it and paid it.

    It was only a few hours ago when I realized that I probably should have at least offered to pay my share. I honestly don't know why I didn't do that--I'm usually pretty good at that type of thing. For some reason, I took it for granted that he was paying. He was always my "senior" (even though he's more of a friend now) and he was out on a business trip, and he invited me.

    But given that we've evolved into "friends"--should I have at least offered to pay my share?? I'm wondering what his expectations were.

    Not a big deal, but would you have pulled out your wallet--even if just symbolically?
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  2. #2
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Saint Paul, Minnesota
    Posts
    5,336
    The waitperson should have asked if you all wanted separate checks. Since there was one check, though, I think you're safe in assuming your former boss meant to pick up the entire bill. P____ didn't offer to pay his/her share, right (since that likely would have triggered the same thought in you)? I don't think the expectation existed for separate checks. The significant issue I can think of, though, is if your bill, for some reason, was significantly higher than theirs.

    Anyway, I'd email him a nice thank you offering your appreciation for his picking up the check. If you still feel strongly about this, offer to host him (and P___ if you want) next time they're in your town.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    2,644
    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post
    The waitperson should have asked if you all wanted separate checks. Since there was one check, though, I think you're safe in assuming your former boss meant to pick up the entire bill. P____ didn't offer to pay his/her share, right (since that likely would have triggered the same thought in you)? I don't think the expectation existed for separate checks. The significant issue I can think of, though, is if your bill, for some reason, was significantly higher than theirs.

    Anyway, I'd email him a nice thank you offering your appreciation for his picking up the check. If you still feel strongly about this, offer to host him (and P___ if you want) next time they're in your town.
    +1

  4. #4
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    9,222
    Quote Originally Posted by SteveinMN View Post

    Anyway, I'd email him a nice thank you offering your appreciation for his picking up the check. If you still feel strongly about this, offer to host him (and P___ if you want) next time they're in your town.
    Yes, great minds.. I have already done that. I sent both of them an email raving about the great time I had and telling them to let me know the next time they're up, when dinner will be on me. (BTW, my meal was actually significantly LESS then theirs)

    I also remembered that years ago, when he and I were working on a project in the area, DH and I took him to a play at one of the area's regional theaters. Obviously I wouldn't have expected him to pay for the ticket when we invited him. So I think I'm in the clear, but you know how those darned second thoughts pop up! Thanks for your thoughts.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Nevada
    Posts
    7,125
    Sounds like it’s fine.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    123
    Etiquette says that if someone invites you to something--dinner, a movie, a concert, a beer tasting--and there is a cost, the person extending the invite is supposed to pay for all the invitees. Or the person extending the invite needs to make it very, very clear that everyone will be paying for herself.

    This rule is broken so often that I believe very few people realize that it is an etiquette rule.

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Phoenix
    Posts
    2,038
    I’ve read some interesting research on this area of human behavior. We like to feel that we have given more to others than they have given to us - because this keeps them in our debt. It’s not exactly altruistic – it’s more like we have social capital over on them and then we can sleep at night. And expect favors from them next time. It’s money in the bank in a society that doesn’t have money.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Rogar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    2,755
    I don't know what the official rules are, but my rule of thumb is to always offer to help with a dining bill unless the inviter says something up front about it being their treat. That said, I would doubt it to be an issue with your friend. Matter of fact he might have gotten some pleasure by treating you. I'm sure your thank you will be sufficient to stay within any thoughts of good manners. Meetings of old friends like that should not be encumbered by small money issues.

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Nevada
    Posts
    7,125
    I had no clue that was a etiquette rule. When we go out with friends it’s understood everyone is paying their own unless someone says they are treating.

  10. #10
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    14,125
    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    I had no clue that was a etiquette rule. When we go out with friends it’s understood everyone is paying their own unless someone says they are treating.
    You probably have familiar customs within your own group that differ. But generally speaking, the person who invites does the paying.

    Certainly we had a large group of friends before all of our friends moved away —waaaaanh!—where it was an expectation that we all pay for own own stuff.

    Two nights ago we invited (one of our remaining) friends out for dinner, as we did last year at the same time around his birthday, and I clearly said “we will take you to dinner” and he knew what that meant.

    If you say something like “let’s all go out to Restaurant A to grab a bite” that would likely be interpretted as each man for himself with the bill.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •