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Thread: Lack of family and friendships/relationships

  1. #11
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    I'm thinking going to a grief group might help with the sadness of losing friends might help. Does your public library have a book group or other activities? Keep coming by and sharing your pain. And CONGRATULATIONS! on your yoga teaching. How DID it go?

  2. #12
    Senior Member SteveinMN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by beach pointe View Post
    This birthday on this past Friday was exactly the same. I booked it off work back in September after seeing my birthday fell on a Friday, I was so excited because I was just starting to see someone and he acknowledged my birthday by booking it off his work. Fast forward...that relationship didn't work out, so my plans were cancelled. Friday morning I was so excited as I had plans to meet up with a new girlfriend for coffee, and I woke up to a text from her that she had been up all night with a migraine, throwing up. So, my birthday (once again), was spent alone, at home, and not able to quickly find or create any other plans to celebrate.
    I'm sorry your birthday turned out to be a bust. I'm sure your new GF would much rather have been spending time with you instead of dealing with a migraine. Did your new GF get together with you that weekend or the next week? And new relationships ... well, they're tough to judge a few months out. I realize there's more to British Columbia than Vancouver, but was there no place you wanted to go that was special and fun -- a new restaurant, a museum exhibit you hadn't had time to see before, something?

    Quote Originally Posted by beach pointe View Post
    I don't know if I'm feeling sorry for myself, or just plain depressed (well, this I know for sure), but I have no one else to share this with so that is why I'm here! I'm sorry I don't have anything positive and uplifting to share... Has anyone else experienced what I am experiencing now? And if so, how did you deal with it?
    I suspect most of us here have had an episode or two in our lives when we felt rather alone, whether it was because we moved to a new place or had a significant change in relationship status. Depression may have played a part in it for some of us; if you're not already discussing your discussion with someone, you should.

    Others have mentioned things they've done to find new friends, and they're good suggestions. Build on your interests and be at least your own good company. One benefit of doing that is that you become more positive and interesting to others as you have something you can talk about proudly.

    It might also help to reduce or release your attachment to the idea that other people need to be around for you to have a good time. Are there activities you'd like to do that don't have to be done with two or more? The expectation that another person is critical to your being happy puts a lot of weight on that other person's shoulders; I would not expect many people to manage that load well.

    When I separated from my first wife, I lost many friends we had in common. I still had some of my own friends. But as part of getting on with my life, I moved from the suburbs into a tiny apartment in the city that did not make it easy for me to "cocoon" and watch Netflix all winter. I got out to concerts, new restaurants, movies, and so on. I made an effort to go to work-related get-togethers just to be out among people. I'm an introvert; it was an effort for me. But, as a famous hockey player once said, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." If you want more friends, you'll have to be out where people are.
    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

  3. #13
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    Dear beach pointe,

    The other posters have contributed some really lovely thoughts. I grew up having only 1 or 2 best friends, and into early adulthood was often lonely. I remember a very powerful moment at church way back in the early 80's, I was standing (as usual) on the outside edge of the crowd at Coffee Hour, and I noticed a youngish, nicely dressed woman (someone I identified with in a rather superficial way because of her stylish clothing) turning and striking up a conversation with a much older woman. They were both smiling and having fun, I could really see that a friendly connection was happening. I realized in that moment that there were so many people I wasn't talking to or trying to be friendly with just because I thought they didn't look quite like "my type." And I realized that was why I hanging around on the edge of Coffee Hour not having much fun.

    I wonder if you might be someone who feels shy about engaging with someone who looks like they might be a little older or a little younger than you or perhaps not sharing the same interests. That was certainly my situation, and once I realized it I made a conscious effort to change--and it was easier than I thought it would be.

    Here is another example: a friend of mine who is a retired college professor is now living in a small town where very few people have even been to college. Is she lonely? No, she is not! She is endlessly curious and empathic about other people's lives. She has the gift of being able to be friends with people who have very different backgrounds and interests. And as a result she has made a very happy life for herself.

    I hope this helps a little bit. I really empathize with you because I used to be in a similar situation. I hope things will go better for you.

  4. #14
    Junior Member beach pointe's Avatar
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    Thank you, Teacher Terry. I have done that in the past, but not for a long time...I've tried joining common interest groups, too, but that hasn't manifested any friendships although I did get out of the house!
    "...Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."
    - Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom)

  5. #15
    Junior Member beach pointe's Avatar
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    Thank you, Catherine. I haven't done volunteer work in quite a while, and I've been thinking of it a lot but I've been pretty busy the past year....I know - excuses, excuses....Yes, I will keep coming back here, you all are a friendly bunch and I'm grateful for that
    "...Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."
    - Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom)

  6. #16
    Junior Member beach pointe's Avatar
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    Dado potato, I agree I need to try something different this time, just not sure exactly what that is! I am introverted and shy at times...so sometimes it's hard for me to get myself to do something new and different. I will add that book to my list, I appreciate the reference.
    "...Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."
    - Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom)

  7. #17
    Junior Member beach pointe's Avatar
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    Simplemind, yes MeetUp is huge here. I've been doing it, on-and-off, for years...I even had my own group, but interest was very low and so I closed the group after feeling really defeated. At this time, I do have 3 groups I'm a part of, and it's just a matter of schedule to find time to attend the events I'm interested in...some of them are a bit of a drive, but I don't mind doing those once in a while.
    "...Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."
    - Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom)

  8. #18
    Junior Member beach pointe's Avatar
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    ApatheticNoMore, yes I am well aware of the stats showing the increase in difficulty to make friends as we age...I've just never had this problem. And I don't necessarily attribute it to my age (42), I know there are many other factors such as...I moved to a new province/city in 2015, I work full-time and teach yoga on the side, I am introverted and sometimes shy, etc...all excuses, but they do contribute to a certain extent. I've never given up completely, but I have stopped trying at times.
    "...Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."
    - Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom)

  9. #19
    Junior Member beach pointe's Avatar
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    Float On, I currently teach (sub) about 1 class a week, if that. I attend about 5 hot yoga classes a week for myself, so I am always in the studio nearly every day. I don't find the students at my studio terribly friendly, in general. I've made conversation with a couple of people...so it's happening, but it's slow going.
    "...Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."
    - Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom)

  10. #20
    Junior Member beach pointe's Avatar
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    Stevein MN, I am also an introvert but I prefer to "do things" with company. Believe me, I have tried and tried again to do things on my own, go places on my own (I mean road trips, for example), and visit areas of interest on my own....and I don't enjoy it one bit. In fact, I feel worse once I get home because I had no one to share the experience with. I do prefer to have company to do things with, but I'm OK on my own grocery shopping, and being home alone, for example, haha! I've also been married and divorced, and I went through a similar experience, and even moved to a different province at that time, too, just as I did back in 2015 to where I am now...but I was somehow more confident in myself, younger, and more fearless than I am today.
    I agree 100%, if you want more friends, you have to be out where people are, but that's not all you need...you also need to open your mouth and open your heart, and that's where I fall short sometimes.
    "...Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."
    - Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements (A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom)

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