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Thread: Officially annoyed with friend

  1. #1
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    Officially annoyed with friend

    Argh, I am starting to settle after my breakdown and notice more of my emotions. I am officially annoyed with a friend. In so many ways she has been super helpful, and in other ways she is so focused on her own medical and life issues that she is not available. I think I am very understanding of her capabilities, I was one of the people helping her recover from a back surgery by visiting, taking her on walks, doing some mild household chores that were hard.

    She lives fairly far away, like 45 minutes, and comes to my area on a regular basis. We have met for writing dates in an in between area and she is very considerate about my time. However she also never comes to my place. She has been visiting her dad close to me every Saturday but has never taken me on the offer to come to tea. So it rather balances out. But today she had a dentist appointment very close to me, and she said she was going to call, then a couple hours later I texted her and she had gone home but invited me over. No reference to our plans. I passed on going all the way up to her house.

    We also shared a room over New Year's when we were on a retreat. She was horribly sick, went to urgent care had a sinus infection. So I spent the day in retreat mode and when I got back to the room she was in super sick mode. I always checked in to see if she wanted me to bring food or pick her up something. One night she wanted to keep watching her movie past 10 pm, something in the Hunger Games series. Not retreat appropriate. I was not that flexible, and passed on her offer of earplugs. She did turn it off or put it in her tablet.

    I know I need to readjust my expectations for this friendship. I already have by realizing I get resentful if I do too much helping, so I am not helping her with her current purging process. I am irritated that her needs seem to take priority most of the time.

  2. #2
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    I find it weird that she can be so close to where you live and then not follow up to see you. I would be annoyed also. Time to set some boundaries.

  3. #3
    Moderator Float On's Avatar
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    I slowly removed all those people who were "takers" and never equal "givers"....sadly it left me with no close girl friends! Oh well, I'm pretty content on my own....is it me????
    Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.

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    Yeah, if I were you, I'd figure out a way to keep in touch with something neutral and fun in the middle, like your writing dates, but avoid the at each other's houses, since she does not seem to want that. Renegotiate the relationship. I've had to do that a couple of times, and some folks fall away, and some, you get through to another stage of the relationship eventually.

    I would also cultivate a new friend. too.

  5. #5
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Walk in her shoes. After a visit with her dad, she may be exhausted. I agree with Tybee's suggestion.
    Personally, I offer an opportunity in doing something that I am going to do to others and give them the freedom to join me or not. Often they do but other times, they don't. I do it anyway. Others have told me that they are not comfortable doing this so I think it is a personal variation.
    Gandhi: Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony .

  6. #6
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    As an introvert I'm just going to add another perspective. When she is out your way she is visiting her father, has a dental appointment etc.. Seems that on your side there is an expectation that you connect because she has driven the 45 minutes and is close. On her side it may just have already been too "people-y" and she needs a break to recharge. She probably invites you because she does like to see you but needed a break between activities. Even after a dental cleaning I need to go home and chill let alone if drill work is done, forgetaboutit. Back to back visits, no matter how much I liked the people would be too much for me. Just a thought.

  7. #7
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    I wouldn’t drive 45 minutes to visit someone that chooses not to see me when they are so close.

  8. #8
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    I know she is an introvert, so am I. So I pretty much get it about times like visiting her dad. Yesterday I just understood that she was going to call before she headed home so I passed on taking a hike. Then by the time I realized she was not checking in before she went home it was too late. When she visits her dad she doesn't say she will call me so I don't expect it.

    I did have her over for Thanksgiving. She really wanted to have it at her place after I had invited her to my place. I was inviting my daughter as well, another serious introvert and in the first year of a bad breakup. So I stuck to being at my place which was more central to all the guests. I just remember being at the edge of my patience with how many times she wanted us to go up to her. I told her my daughter's comfort was my first priority.

    I think it is just an imbalance of care and attention for me. I am very aware that she has pain days and needs to cancel things at times, that she visits her dad weekly, that she is on a keto diet, that she is preparing for another surgery (breast reduction to help her back), etc. I don't think she still has a clue what my work schedule is like, or that I have preferences that are really strong, or anything. But taking a step back.

  9. #9
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Float On View Post
    I slowly removed all those people who were "takers" and never equal "givers"....sadly it left me with no close girl friends! Oh well, I'm pretty content on my own....is it me????
    Yes, with my "taker" under my roof (not DH), my release has been to scribble journal entries when I run into a petty annoyance, like how he sits in "my seat" on the couch at night... the other night I even left my computer and paperwork just to the right of the seat so he'd take the hint, but he didn't. He plunked himself down with the dinner that I had gotten up from my seat to plate for HIM!

    Anyway, yes, it helps to quickly jot down those annoying things to release myself from the negative feelings. I use DayOne, a great journalling app.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  10. #10
    Senior Member JaneV2.0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    Yes, with my "taker" under my roof (not DH), my release has been to scribble journal entries when I run into a petty annoyance, like how he sits in "my seat" on the couch at night... the other night I even left my computer and paperwork just to the right of the seat so he'd take the hint, but he didn't. He plunked himself down with the dinner that I had gotten up from my seat to plate for HIM!

    Anyway, yes, it helps to quickly jot down those annoying things to release myself from the negative feelings. I use DayOne, a great journalling app.
    Couldn't you just tell him you were sitting there, and ask him to move--maybe point out the laptop? Maybe he could plate his own food from now on.

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