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Thread: Friends and hurt feelings

  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    I agree that 3 is a very bad number when it comes to friendships. I agree completely with IL and also with Tammy. Yes, talking about someone behind their back is gossip. If you are good friends with a person, and a third party throws shade on that person, how does it make you feel? Listen to your gut.
    I can tell you how it makes me feel: I am wondering if the two of them are now talking about ME. I'd be willing to put money on it.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalone View Post
    Your post was eye opening. I did not realize what Karla was doing was gossip. I always thought of it as crying on my shoulder.

    I'm not sure about a true friend being revealed, but I'll take your advice. Thank you.
    There is a difference between gossip and asking for support in a difficult relationship. I generally go to someone outside the small group for support when I really need it rather than a mutual friend. I know that eventually the one I am sharing with will be aligning with the other person. In that case it takes a lot of maturity to not share some things, and little irritations become inflated and negative. There have been some times that I needed a reality check or some validation, but even that is tricky.

  3. #13
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalone View Post
    I can tell you how it makes me feel: I am wondering if the two of them are now talking about ME. I'd be willing to put money on it.
    Yes, they talk about you. So what? I just assume others talk about me to some extent when I am not there.The talk may be largely positive, and that is ok. People who speak negatively of me most of the time probably dont want to be my friend, and that is ok as their choice.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalone View Post
    I can tell you how it makes me feel: I am wondering if the two of them are now talking about ME. I'd be willing to put money on it.
    There is a great saying I learned at Al Anon: "Someone else's opinion of me is none of my business."

    Another is: "I can keep my side of the street swept."

    And that's really all you can do--do the right thing, be the person you want to be, in keeping with your values--you are obviously a kind and caring person, and you act accordingly.

    The fall out is beyond your control, and not really important, imho. Set appropriate boundaries, be the kind person you are, and don't worry about what they are saying.

  5. #15
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    There is a great saying I learned at Al Anon: "Someone else's opinion of me is none of my business."

    .
    I like that!

  6. #16
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    I like that!
    me too!!
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

  7. #17
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    There's a lot of good advice here and I like the phrase "someone else's opinion of me is none of my business"

    To the OP, I agree with stepping back and seeing how things shake out. Especially since of the friends is grieving. Be there for support but not try to get too worried about what's going with Darlene. After all, things could change again once things get a bit more settled for Karla.

  8. #18
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    UPDATE: I thought I would update the situation. I never did hear from Darlene. I got a text message, somewhat truncated, from Karla. It was hard to figure out what she was trying to say, but I believe she said her emotional distress is causing her physical pain.

    I've decided to mail Karla's birthday gift to her, as I really don't know when I'll see her. As for Darlene, I wish I could say I'm surprised that she never got back to me. It's an old pattern and I just don't think I'm very important to her anymore. I'll hold onto her birthday gift indefinitely.

    I have too much going on with my house move to really worry about this.

  9. #19
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    ANOTHER UPDATE: It's a whole month (and more later). Never did mail the gift to her. Spouse is dropping it off on her front porch this afternoon. I sent another text message, got no reply, waited two or three weeks, sent another, got another truncated message. I asked her to please send it in plain text (she has a smartphone and I do not) and she says she is. She also says I'm the only person who can't read her text messages. I've asked her to call, email, anything. All I could make out of the message is "Hanging in there."

    As for Darlene, she never brought up going out to dinner again. I asked DH (who has known her as long as I have) if Darlene's always been rather self centered and spoiled. He said yes. I guess I just never noticed it until a few years ago, and I'd say she hasn't changed either.

  10. #20
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    At this point you have done all you can and I would wait for her to make the first move.

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