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Thread: Not sure what to do - Husband passed away

  1. #31
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    I am so sorry for your loss.

    One thing that I find helpful with emotional "stuff" that is left over is to burn it in my burn barrel, while praying for peace and love for the other person. I ask that the hurt be taken away and that we all find peace. I figure that we cremate our loved ones bodies, and this is not really that different.

    But it is hard to sort it out an figure what to keep, for sure.

    But you are only one person, and you cannot be expected to to carry someone else's turtle shell on top of your own, to use your metaphor.

  2. #32
    Senior Member corkym's Avatar
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    Thank you Tybee, what a great idea! I know I have a lot of my own things I need to "burn" and pray over also. Yes, it's time to let the other turtle shell go and start trying to maintain my own.

  3. #33
    Senior Member corkym's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simplemind View Post
    I was reading an article on grief and guilt and one sentence really resonated with me - Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty. I let that sink in. So simple and so true. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, true or false. I have felt guilt but if I went back in time there is very little I would change. I yearn for a different scenario but I did the best that I could with the hand I was dealt and the level of understanding I had in the moment.
    I'm not sure if I am posting this correctly. I mean for it to go under Simplemind's post.
    I love that quote "Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty." I think that is a lot of my problem - I feel guilty over things that I really couldn't change. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. In fact my son had asked that of me the other day. He said "really mom, would dad have changed if you had done something different?". He and I both knew that no he wouldn't have changed. We both love him more than words can say but there were some things we don't even think he could have changed with all the meds he was taking with the side effects and a possible asperger's or learning disability. I guess the one thing that could have been changed is we should have been aware enough to have him tested and then work with that.

  4. #34
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    CorkyM, I am so very sorry for your loss! I lost my husband in October also. He had been sick for about three years with a lung disease that we were told was caused by heart disease . Towards the end a lung doctor let us know it wasn't anything to do with heart disease it was asbestos exposure from working in the mill for 43 years . This actually made my husband feel somewhat better as he'd always been a physical fitness nut and had never expected to have lung problems.

    I totally agree with simplemind about feeling guilty isn't the same as being guilty. I think being raised Catholic I feel guilty for a lot of things that I shouldn't.

    It is hard to decide what to get rid of though. The hardest thing for me are the 50 years of exercise journals and eating journals that he kept. Because inside that are little notes about what's going on in our lives. So I filled two drawers in his dresser with notebooks. My husband's oldest son who is a little older than me came and helped me go through his clothes. My husband was a competitive pistol shooter and in the upstairs of our house we had one bedroom and one gun room. The ammo and other gun paraphernalia filled the room . We also had a reloading bench in our living room and a gun cabinet and two bookcases and 2 safes. I got a hold of one of the guys in the pistol club and gave away everything but the guns. His son inherited those and a few things he kept from the reloading equipment . It would've taken me years to decide about all of this . His son made it clear you can't sell reloaded ammo for liability reasons . The one friend is going to redistribute some of the stuff to new shooters like extra boxes and magazines and holsters etc. Within the week that my stepson was here we got rid of most of the stuff that needed to go . It was such a blessing ! But while we were going through the clothes I kept stashing stuff to look at later . His son was going so fast. And I'm glad I did . Most of the stuff actually did go to Goodwill later but a few things I'm glad I kept . And the clothing wasn't the hard part . The rest of the kids took things that were important to them. I've been going through old cards and letters that he saved and returning them to the kids .My dh wrote me a note every morning which I saved . I've been putting them in better order and I read a few everyday .

    I have a large family so they don't let me feel lonely too often . And my husband's family have been wonderful and call and write regularly . But oh how I miss him !

  5. #35
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    Oh Debbie...… how lovely that he wrote you a note every morning. Lots of treasures in those journals and notebooks as well.

  6. #36
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    Thank you simplemind! He really was a sweetie!

  7. #37
    Senior Member rosarugosa's Avatar
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    Debbie and Corky: I'm so sorry for your losses.

  8. #38
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    Thanks rosarugosa!

  9. #39
    Senior Member corkym's Avatar
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    I am so very sorry for your loss! I lost my husband in October also. He had been sick for about three years with a lung disease that we were told was caused by heart disease . Towards the end a lung doctor let us know it wasn't anything to do with heart disease it was asbestos exposure from working in the mill for 43 years . This actually made my husband feel somewhat better as he'd always been a physical fitness nut and had never expected to have lung problems.

    I totally agree with simplemind about feeling guilty isn't the same as being guilty. I think being raised Catholic I feel guilty for a lot of things that I shouldn't.

    It is hard to decide what to get rid of though. The hardest thing for me are the 50 years of exercise journals and eating journals that he kept. Because inside that are little notes about what's going on in our lives. So I filled two drawers in his dresser with notebooks. My husband's oldest son who is a little older than me came and helped me go through his clothes. My husband was a competitive pistol shooter and in the upstairs of our house we had one bedroom and one gun room. The ammo and other gun paraphernalia filled the room . We also had a reloading bench in our living room and a gun cabinet and two bookcases and 2 safes. I got a hold of one of the guys in the pistol club and gave away everything but the guns. His son inherited those and a few things he kept from the reloading equipment . It would've taken me years to decide about all of this . His son made it clear you can't sell reloaded ammo for liability reasons . The one friend is going to redistribute some of the stuff to new shooters like extra boxes and magazines and holsters etc. Within the week that my stepson was here we got rid of most of the stuff that needed to go . It was such a blessing ! But while we were going through the clothes I kept stashing stuff to look at later . His son was going so fast. And I'm glad I did . Most of the stuff actually did go to Goodwill later but a few things I'm glad I kept . And the clothing wasn't the hard part . The rest of the kids took things that were important to them. I've been going through old cards and letters that he saved and returning them to the kids .My dh wrote me a note every morning which I saved . I've been putting them in better order and I read a few everyday .

    I have a large family so they don't let me feel lonely too often . And my husband's family have been wonderful and call and write regularly . But oh how I miss him ![/QUOTE]

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