Memorial Service By Invitation Only

[sweetana3]

Our family does not hold any funeral services. No visitation and cremation is preferred. We are all located all over the country. My brother did decide to have mom and dad's ashes put in a niche overlooking a sister's grave in the state they lived in most of their lives. I liked that idea but it was only his need. My immediate family has decided the same thing. After mother in law had so many issues with the funerals of her mother/father, she decided that dad's ashes would be mixed with hers. Not sure what she wants us to do with the ashes.

However, it is very much a personal/family decision. I would never be critical of someone's decisions regarding their own family.

[razz]

Our family does not hold any funeral services. No visitation and cremation is preferred. We are all located all over the country. My brother did decide to have mom and dad's ashes put in a niche overlooking a sister's grave in the state they lived in most of their lives. I liked that idea but it was only his need. My immediate family has decided the same thing. After mother in law had so many issues with the funerals of her mother/father, she decided that dad's ashes would be mixed with hers. Not sure what she wants us to do with the ashes.

However, it is very much a personal/family decision. I would never be critical of someone's decisions regarding their own family.

This is true for me as well. DH and I had discussed years ago our wish for our remains. Cremation and scattering of ashes wherever it seems appropriate.

Years ago, the funerals were large and the supporters were crowds. Some families still choose this approach, others don't. To the OP, I am so sorry that unkindness intruded.

[Simplemind]

I can't help but feeling that the choice of words "By invitation only" is a passive aggressive move. Saying that the services are private is ultimately the same thing but doesn't speak to pointed exclusion.

[ToomuchStuff]

Seen it due to size, and attended one for a celeb friends grandfather.

Then know of some due to jealousy,misunderstanding the relationship from a kid of the passed person.

[iris lilies]

JI think the funeral or memorial service I would plan today is different than what I would plan 20 years from now. Right now, today – I would use the local funeral home in our neighborhood and would have some sort of service because we still have a lot of friends and acquaintances here and I think they would like that closure.

But when I am older and if we have moved away from this neighborhood, I can’t see that a service would be necessary because we wouldn’t know very many people.


Here is the most interesting and charming tradition in Hermann: The funeral homes print up little cards with a brief obituary and a picture of the deceased and those cards are distributed to major businesses, banks, the library etc. I guess that is how they spread the word in a small town that does not have Nextdoor and the newspaper is printed once a week.

[dado potato]

Memorials and funerals can open old wounds in families with a history of estrangement. I find it sad that so many estrangements occur. A parent entering into the end of life may view his/her situation as "one last chance" to attempt a reconciliation with an estranged adult child. (Sometimes a reconciliation happens, sometimes not... resulting in a deep drink of the dregs of bitterness for the dying parent.)

In that sort of scenario, I think I can empathize with the "intact family" of the deceased holding ceremonies by invitation only.

I note that among people who live to be very old, the obituary often reads: "in accordance with the wishes of the deceased, there will be no funeral or memorial service".


I have also known a few folks who think a lot about how their funeral service will go... and how their children will feel when they have passed away. I am puzzled by this.


When I am dead I can have no regrets. You could have regrets, still being alive! -Unknown

[Float On]

This woman was very kind to my daughter and they had a really neat friendship all these years. When we heard how the memorial service was being handled, Daughter wrote and mailed lovely condolence notes to both of her daughters (no mention of the service).

She called me tonight and said both notes were returned to her! Both had been opened, and "Return to Sender" was written on the envelopes, and it looked like the same person had written on both of them, even though they live in different towns.

Insights?

How rude. I'd tell your daughter to write a letter to the deceased (who was kind to her) and burn the letter ceremonially...and never speak of it again.

[catherine]

This is true for me as well. DH and I had discussed years ago our wish for our remains. Cremation and scattering of ashes wherever it seems appropriate.

One of the reasons I'm opting for cremation is that I've seen traditional burials incur guilt in family members who don't visit graves. Namely, DH is an example. MIL used to go to the family plot every holiday and bring flowers of the season. She's been dead almost 10 years now (hardly seems possible) and given that we live an hour and half away, and we have no need to go to Westchester County anymore, he has only been once to "visit" his mother's grave--and oddly, the one time we went, he refused to park the car and walk to the gravesite. We simply drove past.

I don't want my kids to wrestle with those kinds of emotions. I think of my body as merely a "mortal coil" that means nothing when my spirit has departed. And I'll leave it up to them as to how they want to proceed with memorials/funerals, etc. (Although I'm happy to make suggestions

[iris lilies]

One of the reasons I'm opting for cremation is that I've seen traditional burials incur guilt in family members who don't visit graves. Namely, DH is an example. MIL used to go to the family plot every holiday and bring flowers of the season. She's been dead almost 10 years now (hardly seems possible) and given that we live an hour and half away, and we have no need to go to Westchester County anymore, he has only been once to "visit" his mother's grave--and oddly, the one time we went, he refused to park the car and walk to the gravesite. We simply drove past.

I don't want my kids to wrestle with those kinds of emotions. I think of my body as merely a "mortal coil" that means nothing when my spirit has departed. And I'll leave it up to them as to how they want to proceed with memorials/funerals, etc. (Although I'm happy to make suggestions

That is a very good point, not setting up something for kids to feels guilty about.

Since I am absent the Catholic upbringing, I don’t have a constant sense of guilt about everything. I have appropriate guilt about things I have done wrong. When my dad died my immediate emotional reaction was: it would be nice to have “a place “to visit to remember him, but I wasn’t married to that idea. Since my mom was on board about a cemetery plot for him, it worked well. In 25 years I’ve probably visited that grave twice. While it is out of state I do often go through my hometown I just do not make the grave visit, But I do not feel guilty about it! I know that he would not care!

With my mother who is buried in an entirely different cemetery because she had to have the Jewish treatment, we were right by what I think was her cemetery last year and I remarked to DH “is that my mom’scemetery?” But he wasnt sure either. So, I’m not even sure where she is buried. I could figure it out if I had to, but my sister-in-law knows that stuff so I count on her to show me if I ever had to know.

In summary, we are not focused on where the dead reside in my family. I think that is a current trend.


I remember how shocked I was to find out that in Switzerland, dead bodies occupy the cemetery for only a decade or so and then that space is assigned to someone else. That is probably a European custom not specific to Switzerland.


I have a friend who buried her cat in a local pet cemetery, and when she got a job out of state she had that cat dug up and buried in the other state. I haven’t talk to her in depth about that because that just seems so extremely, ummmm, extreme.

[catherine]

That is a very good point, not setting up something for kids to feels guilty about.

Since I am absent the Catholic upbringing, I don’t have a constant sense of guilt about everything.


I remember how shocked I was to find out that in Switzerland, dead bodies occupy the cemetery for only a decade or so and then that space is assigned to someone else. That is probably a European custom not specific to Switzerland.


I have a friend who buried her cat in a local pet cemetery, and when she got a job out of state she had that cat dug up and buried in the other state. I haven’t talk to her in depth about that because that just seems so extremely, ummmm, extreme.

Well, DH is Scottish Presbyterian, and he doesn't usually feel guilty, but his mother definitely made him feel guilty throughout his life ("D'ya ken that they found a woman deed because her son never called her?")

Wow, that's an interesting approach in Switzerland--what do they do with the evicted tenant?

Re pet cemeteries--when BILs beloved dog died he wouldn't hear of having it cremated. He toured the local pet cemetery and didn't like the ambience, so he chose a pet cemetery an hour away, paid a fortune for services that only he and DH attended, and he also picked a plot on a hill. He also was planning on purchasing a headstone. For the engraving, he literally wrote a whole poem, not realizing that each letter is costly and requires a certain size of headstone. When she quoted him the price he nearly fell over but if he had money at that point (this was at the time he ran out and was freaking out about selling the house) he probably would have sprung for it. He's never once been back there to visit the dog.