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Thread: Memorial Service By Invitation Only

  1. #1
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    Memorial Service By Invitation Only

    Is this really a "thing" now? Are other people experiencing this too?

    My daughter (now 42) and I have been part of a large extended family by second marriage for many years, in fact, since she was 3 years old. Now the elders are passing away. We have just experienced the third, in 8 months, "Memorial Service by Invitation Only" and again we were not invited.

    This woman was very kind to my daughter and they had a really neat friendship all these years. When we heard how the memorial service was being handled, Daughter wrote and mailed lovely condolence notes to both of her daughters (no mention of the service).

    She called me tonight and said both notes were returned to her! Both had been opened, and "Return to Sender" was written on the envelopes, and it looked like the same person had written on both of them, even though they live in different towns.

    Daughter is hurt and confused. I am flabbergasted.

    Insights?

  2. #2
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    Apparently this is more common: http://foxandweeks.com/etiquette-in-...ivate-funeral/

    No one knows what is in anyone else's heart. I would just accept and move on. Remember your friend with your daughter and perhaps have your own memory time.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Tradd's Avatar
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    I do find it odd the notes were returned after they were opened.

    I’m sorry this happened. Someone has a grudge.
    Last edited by Tradd; 2-20-19 at 10:02am.

  4. #4
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    Memorial services that are by invitation only are quite common, and are preferred by some people because it keeps it more personal, with just family and close friends in attendance. However if you and your daughter considered yourselves both to the deceased, I can see being hurt that you weren't invited. The returning of condolence cards (especially after opening them) certainly indicates hard feelings, and unfortunately you will probably never know why.
    The more you know, the less you need.

  5. #5
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    I have never heard of this. So sorry this happened.

  6. #6
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Private funeral services are not entirely unusual around here, but they are not commn.

    The person who handled your daughter’s letters to return them has a grudge. That is too bad.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Sad Eyed Lady's Avatar
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    Where I live I have noticed more and more the obituary saying "all services are private". Not quite the same thing but still a change from any and everyone coming.
    "Like a bird on the wire, like a drunk in the midnight choir, I have tried in my way to be free." Leonard Cohen

  8. #8
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    I am noticing this as well. A friend of mine had private services for both her mother and nephew. In my workplace, I am usually the person who gets notified when someone in the department has a death in the family. I handle any flowers, cards, etc. plus will give out any information for visitations/funerals to the department provided I have specific permission to do so. In the last few years, there's been instances where the coworker has specified that services are private, in fact I had such a situation a couple of weeks ago. I have had some people take offense when they inquire because they want to attend and find out it's private, but I always tell them it's obviously the family's wish for reasons that are their own and to respect it. In these cases we give a card that is presented to the coworker when he/she returns.

    To the OP, I am sorry this happened. Agree that having the cards returned after being opened is odd.

  9. #9
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Huh... I haven't seen memorials by invite only. I think of that as for celebrities, not for "regular people."

    And who knows why the card was returned??!! Definitely there's more to that story, but it's a shame your daughter is in the dark. Maybe the "cousins" were irrationally jealous of the relationship between your daughter and their mother? Who knows.

    Maybe this trend is based on financial reasons? Funeral/memorial "parties" can be pretty pricey.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  10. #10
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    Iíve noticed an uptick in the lack of a funeral service at all. No visitation, no service.

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