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Thread: Friendship has become difficult

  1. #1
    Senior Member flowerseverywhere's Avatar
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    Friendship has become difficult

    Almost 40 years ago I became very good friends with a woman and we have remained friends through it all. Babies, raising kids, navigating life in general.

    Things were going along quite well until the last election. She despises anything Trump to the point of refusing to stand for the anthem. If anyone mentions anything related to a Trump policy or behavior it is like unleashing the Tasmanian devil. Her glass has not become half empty, it is totally empty. It has affected her entire life. Her husband can do no right, she criticizes everyone and everything, nothing is right. Yesterday I saw her for the first time in a month and she said some very insulting things to me. Itís like she has gone crazy. And she actually went to counseling but quit saying it did her no good.

    so obviously I avoid her. I dislike many of the Trump policies, especially this tweeting, mocking and bullying stuff, but this is my country and if I donít like it I feel a responsibility to work to make it right. But I refuse to make him the focus of every waking minute, I stand and sing the anthem and say the pledge of allegiance (I live in a senior community and we do that stuff a lot here. ) I have tremendous respect for our military, and our country. I respect our election process, even though it has flaws, compared to the rest of the world it is great. We need work on immigration, healthcare, our black teen to prison pipeline, our out of control gun deaths, and so on. We are far from perfect

    So after almost fourty years I feel such a chasm between us. I feel a lot of sadness but gentle responses to her are worthless. I am heartbroken, but she is almost embarrassing to be around. Her beliefs are so rigid and very far left now and she blames all of our ills on Trump. There is plenty of blame to go around both parties at all levels.
    so I didnít want to make this a political post, but rather one of dealing with a friend I donít want to lose, but I feel we have irreconcilable differences. More of a mourning for things lost.

  2. #2
    Senior Member herbgeek's Avatar
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    I have a friend from college I've kept in touch with all these years, we used to regularly have dinner, sometimes with the spouses but most times just us. She married someone who came from a wealthy family, even though her own family was quite humble (as was mine). We managed to find enough in common to stay friends for many years, even though it was sometimes hard for me to deal with her husband's bragging on new this and new that.

    20 years ago, her mother died, and she went on a spiritual quest. She was initiated in some Mexican traditions and was very cult like for a while. Those years were hard. Over time and circumstances, she realized that they were just people too, and not immune from pettiness. She's since parted ways with them. Now she's in a MLM cult (essential oils) , currently at a conference where they are recommending you have dinner with 7 and 8 figure earners. I can't even. She's also into some other MLM involving horse food (her business is massage for humans and horses). All she can talk about is increasing business, and some new energy techniques and starting up a coaching business. (She tried out her coaching on me and I found her approach insulting and combative and intrusive.)

    I'm mourning that someone I considered a best friend for 35 years is just an acquaintance now. I really don't have a lot in common with her or her friends anymore. Her values are very different from mine.

  3. #3
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    It is sad, painful, to have that happen but is it not just a normal aspect of life? You were fortunate to have the friendships last as long as they did.

    For years, DH and I moved a lot, made friends letting go when we moved on to the next location. I didn't have a lot of regrets as I knew that I would give to and enjoy the friendship and then let go when we moved.

    That said, after the passage of a few decades, I have reconnected with a close friend of long ago. Her DH was best man at our simple house wedding with my two sisters attending me. We parted ways a few years later due to our husbands going in different directions but always exchanged Christmas cards with short summaries of our life. We have picked up the friendship as though it was yesterday but we are at the same point in our lives, both widowed, and independent. Lots to discuss and share. Friendship has its ebbs and flows, it seems.

    Perhaps, some could suggest a way to handle the pain of the loss of a cherished friendship.

  4. #4
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    I have let some friends go when it was no longer enjoyable. It’s really sad that she is basically letting Trump ruin her life. Sometimes when people are at a totally different economic level the friendship doesn’t survive either. I don’t think all friends are meant to be forever.

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    MLM stuff ruins people. They are cults without the belief in god.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Simplemind's Avatar
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    I wonder if she could have something else going on and it is manifesting itself through her political beliefs. I guess you will know in a few years. Losing a close friend who has been with you through the best and worst of times is hard. I had to step back from my closest friend due to some substance abuse issues. I prayed and prayed that she was going to get herself back together. It has been 10 years and I don't even know where she is living anymore. I am still close with her kids and they have gone no contact as well. I think about her every day and it saddens me. I don't think I will ever have that close of a friend again in this life time.
    Last edited by Simplemind; 4-9-19 at 4:20pm.

  7. #7
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Our neighborhood social group, very strong lasting from about 1995-2015 has broken up and barely exists anymore. Well if I’m honest with myself it doesnt exist at all any more! But anyway.

    A couple of years ago we had friends in the group on polar opposite sides of the political spectrum and neither one of them wanted to visit the other one when one came to town for a stay. We were supposed to keep the visit a secret from the other party that they didn’t want to see that party, But I knew it was mutual. It was complicated and quite stupid.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 4-9-19 at 2:31pm.

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    IL, what happened to your group? I find that stupid as well. I live with a republican)

  9. #9
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    IL, what happened to your group? I find that stupid as well. I live with a republican)
    Most everyone has moved away. The moves started in 2002, made a big hit in 2009, and in the past year we lost 4 key households plus several what I call “satellite” people. Some, like us, maintain a house in the city but have another house elsewhere so they/we are no longer full-in here.

    Oddly, no divorces. In our group of friends of with gay and straight couples over the past 25+ years there has been only one divorce in the main group and that is when the husband shot the wife dead so that was pretty awful. But hey aside from that, there has not been divorces! They were a couple break ups in gay couples, one male one female , but those were satellite people not main group people

    Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of opportunity to make friends in this neighborhood because there are many work committees to improve the neighborhood. It’s just that honestly it seems like the artsy and fun projects don’t exist anymore. We had a LOT of opportunities to create crazy stuff—the tornado house decor tour, the cows in the park, the Easter parade, the birdhouses contest...seems like we were always building and painting stuff.

    Or maybe I’m just too old and kind of bored that those events now seem to be centered around children. See, 20 years ago there were hardly any children in this inner-city neighborhood and I liked it that way! Ha ha!
    Last edited by iris lilies; 4-9-19 at 2:33pm.

  10. #10
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    It does sound like you had a great time. All good things come to a end.

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